A
female
age
51-59,
*prn
writes:My husband of 4 years is very caring and a good father.He is very neat,tidy and organised.Problem is I'm not tidy and I can't stand him insisting to be organised all the time.I wish not to be married to him because I feel suffocated. Everyday is a torture because I have to bear with him and keep up to his standards.We have discussed this but he wouldn't even consider separation.Everyday he is nagging at me,belitting me.Pls help.There is no more happiness and love.We're together because of the kids. Should I continue to stay married or what should I do? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eprn +, writes (4 October 2007):
eprn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Enzian & rcn.Both of you have valid points that I can learn.
A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (3 October 2007):
 Sorry to say this, but you sond like you are married to be happy, you are taking but not willing to give. Sorry for beeing harsh, but that's what I read between your lines. But to realy deeply love someone is a big difference!
Real, deep, solid love is not like falling in love that just happens to you (and when you are reigned by your feelings.) Real, deep, solid love is the decision to want the best for someone and to make this person happy. The feelings are different to the feelings of falling in love, and you don't always feel anything. But the cheerful feelings will come back again. This is not always the case with the feelings of falling in love. This feelings you will only have a few month or maybe a year or two. The disappear and they will not come back in the same form. If you decide to love the other person, you put this person on the first place in your life. This definition of real, deep, solid love I've learnt form the Christendom and it doesn't agree with the modern view of love. Today to love an other person means that oneself wants to rejoice. You expect him to be accountable for you for everything. The other person has to do everything to make you happy and fill every hole and gap in you. But nobody is able to do this and nobody is perfect and we can not expect them to be! But if we do and if this is our definition of love, no wonder, there are so many divorces.
You are married an this is a confession. You gave a promis for your life and this is not something you can just throw away as you want. To be married meens to stay together in good times and in bad times. Obviously you are in a bad time now, so you need to work on it to go back to good. This can not just happen to you, this is work. So you both need to work on it. Sit together and talk about it. Not just once, but 10 times, 50 times, 100 times. If you have trubbles at your workplace, you will talk about it. Also your marriage doesn't work without talking and working things out! If you have difficulties to get somewhere, seek help! Either read a book or go to see a marriage counsellor. Don't be ashamed for getting help. It's nothing bad, but will make you and your marriage stronger than it was ever before!
I hope this will help and wish you that it will go up again in your marriage!
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (3 October 2007):
 It sounds like neither one of you is interested in compromising. I have a friend who is OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) His sock even have to be color coordinated in the drawer. His wife isn't like that. I think he'd be the dream for many women. He understands his wife makes the decisions all though at times she allows him to take some credit. He gets the children off to school, works full-time but does all the cooking and 70 percent of the housework.
He needs to realize you are not him and he is not you. Neither one of you can mold the other person into being like the other one. It's not going to happen.
Staying together because of the kids, if it's declined with no opportunity to fix, kids wouldn't be a reason to stay. They learn from parents, and later relationships for them many times take form after the behaviors of their parents. If you stay together it has to be a happy environment, and if apart it has to be a happy environment. If the parents aren't happy the kids won't be either.
One big problem you have now is being belittled. No one has any right to treat you that way. It's disrespectful to the marriage and to you as an individual.
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