A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I suppose my internal conflict can be swayed with more encouragement.I met my ex online in a chat rooms 6 years ago. I eventually met him in person after a year, by which time we both hated to admit but were already in love. We distinctly met 3 times before i told him my father was looking for a suitable groom. We were 21 then. He freaked out and i got married. Ofcourse before the marriage i kept hoping he would ask me to not get married and wait on him, just once. Each time he came to my city for work, i wld get myself a namesake bf to make him jealous to which he would get drunk.My mindgames didn't get me too far!My husband is a pleasant, caring person but i am not happy, i feel no passion in our relationship. We are very different: he is quiet and i am talkative, he doesn't need friends and i cant imagine life without people; but we have made it past 4 anniversaries, discussed divorce more times than we have planned vacations. Now, i know he loves me and i am attached to him as well, but I miss feeling how i did when i was madly in love with my ex.I guiltfully wrote him a email and he replied saying he has moved on. I told myself that i was on a personal quest for happiness and it was ok to know once and for all about my ex' feelings for me. i feel stupid bcoz i dont even know my ex well enough. he doesnt admit he wants to be with me, he didn't ask me to wait for him 5 yrs ago and said he was at a point of no return then and hasnt changed his answer now.1. Should I stay married even though I feel that some of the things that I need from marriage are not met?(I have to get drunk to want to have sex with my husband)2. How can i try and forget my ex who clearly has never admitted since 4 years that he has any feelings for me. he says he is seeing someone now.
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chat room, divorce, drunk, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): OK, so you had an arranged marriage. Yes it makes a difference, because from what I understand, this is more of a family thing. You probably have a tradition of being in a close extended family, and as a 21st century woman, you are pulled between the two. We have that in the UK too, and yes it is hard, but this is your decision and only your decision to make.
So your already separate from your husband, and you are using this time wisely to find out more about yourself and living by yourself. This is good, this will help. Your not the only woman to face this question, and this is a hard, but necessary thing to do.
I understand you "love" him, but you are probably not "in love" with him like the way you "expect" you should be. Your like two strangers, married but not close, and you don't know if you want to be. You could live with him, but you feel your missing out something. Well what are you missing, after this "work" separation, you could try what the other aunts have suggested and bring some romance back into your marriage. You want to date, flirt, and talk online, well you can do that with him. You want to be in love and excited, you want what you may have missed. Well try it with him, ask him to be romantic, ask him to write you poems and love stories, ask him to show you that he cares. Will this be enough. Could you both try a little harder to do nice, sweet things together, which may make you fall "in love".
Some people fall in love, then get divorced because it doesn't last through the reality of marriage. Some people get married first, find that their partner is a nice, kind person, then work on that and fall in love afterwards. You have some responsibility to this marriage too. If you want romance, could you show it to him. Do you find him attractive? Could you share some of his hobbies, and share some of your hobbies with him. Romantic stuff includes walking in the park together, holding hands and talking, writing each other funny notes, kissing and cuddling, just to make the other person smile. Concentrating on giving pleasure, and hopefully receiving some back. The Karma Sutra (freely available online) is a brilliant book for bringing romance and pleasure back into married life, and it also has sexual tips at the back, to make simple kissing and love making, exciting and thrilling for both of you. Your married, can you do the dating now and see if you both suit.
Since your away from him, why not try to date him and see if you like him at all. But don't neglect your own self development. Find time to take classes, learn a new language, go to the library, pick up a hobby, go to church or mosque if your religious, just meet some new people, and find the courage to learn how to make friends. This will give you more confidence and you won't feel so alone, and then you will find you have more options in life. You'll have a chance at repairing your marriage, or learning to be strong and have another world outside of traditional ties...
Blessings babes, I'm thinking of you, your problem is very hard as you know, but your young and you do have time, so make your decision slowly, there's no hurry, just take it slow.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): oh, and i forgot to add, yes i love my husband but i am not in love with him. I feel like we live this non fulfilling life like two roommates sharing some common time or like railway tracks that never meet. its gone on for so long i have actually forgotten how it feels to be happy (think i am dysthmic) i only know i don't feel right. I have a hunch this is not how marriage is supposed to be. I am seeing a shrink and i saw one earlier too, to change my ways behaviors and anything else in my power to make this work and live harmoniously.
I am not sure i want to go together as a couple for counseling yet. I am still figuring out what i want and who i am, precisely as mentioned in one of the answers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): I appreciate all the answers, Thank you. None of them surprise me. I have mulled quite similarly over this.
I have moved away from my husband for work, however I don't think i am emotionally independent. I hate the idea of living with someone only cause i am too scared to live on my own. I cant help but worry if that's the reason i am still with him. It has been about 6 m now, ive been in an alien city and i am still trying to figure if i miss him or companionship in general.
About my ex, we met about 8 or 9 times over two years mostly chatted online and spoke on the phone.
I didn't grow up in US, i had an arranged marriage that brought me here. If you can imagine, in some cultures, marriages and divorces are not private or personal, they involve families not just the two involved. There have been several things keeping me on the fence.
I know when i am 60 i would be very happy with him, but right now i hate feeling like im already 60! More importantly I want someone who makes me want to be with him not wait for me to come up with a reason to leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): You listed two choices...but I thinlk you should go with number 3! Get out of the marriage, forget the ex, and start a life of your own. Clearly, you were not ready for marriage then and clearly you are not ready for it now! It's time to discover who YOU are, and what YOU want!
Don't waste your youth in a loveless marriage!
As Diovan said "This is the 21st Century" Woman can survive on her own!
Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): This is all wrong babes.. It's the 21st century, your in America, you shouldn't have let your father have any choice in the man you marry.. Your a grown woman, you need to make your happiness, no man can give it to you, and life is too precious and too short to waste time being unhappy about things you cannot change.
You met this online guy, only about three times or more. Even though you talked a lot, you didn't really know him at all. Now your married to a man, who you plainly admit is so very different from you, doesn't suit you and loves you more than you love him. You keep talking about divorce, you like him, but he just doesn't turn you on.
You present as aged 26-29 and currently living in America. You've been married for 4years, can you do another 10years of this half life, another 20, 30years with this man that your "attached" to. Don't you deserve to be with somebody you love, doesn't he deserve a woman that loves him with all his heart. Or will you both look back and regret your marriage in another 30years or so.
You've made your ex into a fantasy figure, but you don't know him at all. He could be violent at home, he could be sloppy, he could have no qualities or personality at all.. You don't know this guy, you just dream about being young and in love.
I don't usually like divorce, but I can't see anything in your marriage that makes you or your husband stay together. You have one life to live babes, and so dose he. Don't you both deserve to be happy alone, rather than staying together out of habit.
Forget your ex. He has moved on, he has a new woman and he probably loves her very much and she loves him. He is not interested in you anymore, he was once, but after 4years, he has found happiness with somebody else. Your wasting your youth in this unhappy marriage, you know that, and we can see that too... Move home to your parents for a while, a trial separation, and see if "distance" really dose make the heart go fonder. If you have any feelings for your husband, you will miss him and you will go back and try to make your marriage work. If you feel relief and happiness when your away from him, then that's your answer, and you need to start proceedings to get a divorce.
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A
female
reader, cuteysar  +, writes (8 December 2008):
no, dont stay married. marriage is about love and happiness which you say you dont love your husband and you arent happy. i think the fact that you are doubting your marriage enough to email your ex and write on a forum about how unhappy you are shows you cannot stay in this marriage.
you married for the wrong reasons. are you staying in this marriage because you need a partner, but your ex who you loved doesnt want you back and you are scared of being alone?
yes its scary, but we all have to do it. so your ex isnt mr right. but if you stay married, you may not find your mr right.
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A
female
reader, katatonik +, writes (7 December 2008):
 It almost sounds like you married your current husband to get revenge on your ex in some way. No wonder you don't find the resulting marriage to be as fulfilling as it could be! See a counselor with your husband to try and work through the issues that are currently in the way of your intimacy (you haven't really told us what's wrong there.)
If that doesn't help, then consider calling it quits...but please don't do so with the expectation that your ex is going to get back together with you, because it doesn't sound like he's interested. You need to try and forget the ex so you can move on with your life, whether or not that life ends up including your current husband. Best of luck.
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