A
female
age
41-50,
*razybeyatch
writes:Hi all. Im in deep need of advice to see if im in the wrong or not on my situation. Ive been with my guy for almost 6 yrs now. When I first met him, he was a drinker and a weed smoker. And thru the years he hasnt stopped either the drinking or the smoking of cigarettes or the weed even tho he has told me many times that he wishes he could stop all the drinking and smoking all the cigarettes he does. Im there to support him if he wants to quit either. Due to it only killing his health the more and more he does either. Today I said something to him that he took wrong and he blew up at me and screamed at me like crazy over it. He is always touchy about affection in a relationship. So when I got home from a long day at work and noticed that he was buzzed pretty bad. I told him "Its a turn off to come home after a long day of work to a drunk man". He was home while I was at work, watching my 8 yr old. So I said what I did to HOPEFULLY wake his senses up and stop or cut back what hes doing to himself and doing to our relationship. We have gotten into many fights when he drinks alot due to him taking what I say wrong and he snaps at me without hearing what I was really meaning by whatever Ive said to him. Its gotten very difficult to deal with at times. I do love the guy, but I dont know how to deal with this type of stuff in my life. I drink once in a while, I may smoke weed once in a while, but I dont smoke cigarettes. He ALWAYS thinks im against him when I give him caring advice that its driving me crazy he doesnt hear when I say im NOT against you...Im trying to be here for you. Hes 35 yrs old and Im 39 yrs old. And im seriously lost on what to do over this situation...please help with your advice. Thank you in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): Your follow-up came at the same-time my response was submitted. However; I stand behind my advice, and hope you take it all into consideration.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 February 2018):
 Good!
Thanks for the update. Even if a person is keeping their drinking to a "legal level" he still should be around a child. (of any age) Because when it comes to kids... monkey see monkey do! (I have 3 kids, so yeah I know)
Don't be his enabler.
If you live with him, I would suggest you look into moving out ASAP into a situation YOU can afford.
If you have to, look into Section 8 housing, rent controlled housing, family and/or friends. ANYTHING to remove yourself and your child from him.
If you work later hours look into after school programs and if need be ASK for help from family and friends IF they are trustworthy to watch her.
He ISN'T worth it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): YOU LEFT HIM ALONE WITH AN 8 YEAR-OLD CHILD???
He's drinking and smoking around your kid!!! You had a right to say whatever you wanted to. Every word that came out of your mouth was right on-point. Yet, you're asking if you were in the wrong???!!! Are you kidding me?!!
I would have thrown his ass out of the house. I would have told him he was not welcome back unless he had his act together 100%. He had no right to raise his voice at you in-front of your kid, or under any other circumstances. You gave him far too much responsibility; while knowing he smokes weed and drinks. Knowing not only does he do it regularly, but has a problem and cannot stop! You left a helpless child in the care of an irresponsible drunken adult!
You have been pushed beyond supportive, and now you're feeling self-righteous. Snarky commentary is far from the solution to this problem. The responsibility of this whole situation falls on your shoulders. You shouldn't have him around your child, and you shouldn't be attacking him after you've condoned the bad behavior all along. In fact, he should have been long gone!!!
Learn the difference between supportive and permissive!
I must make this clear. I am not attacking your motherhood or your parenting. I am only addressing the seriousness of this situation. I am drawing your attention away from him, and bringing it back to you and your child. The safety and well-being of the two of you.
You work hard, you're taking care of everyone, and you truly deserve so much better!
Time to clean house. Kick his royal backside to the curb; explain what you had to do to your kid. As a young girl; you have to set an example for her now. You have to show her what a young woman must expect from men. You don't need his drunken pot-smoking ass around your kid. She is picking up on all these bad habits! You are going to have your hands full when she is a teenager. She will use your hypocrisy as her opposing argument to any objections you have to her drinking and smoking weed or anything else!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): Thank you for your replies. May I please clarify something to allow you guys to understand where I'm coming from. The guy I'm with has been the type to keep the drinking limited when around kids. I know he has been very stressed out with some situations in his life. And for God knows what reason, he decided to drink too much yesterday. I did tell him that it passed me off that he was supposed to be watching my child while I was at work & thought he would make a better decision to NOT drink. How would he feel if he had to work & I was watching his kids & he came home to see I had a buzz going. I have done more then just tell him yesterday how his choices have effected my life & the relationship & have told him that he needs to seek help to stop this addiction. All its doing is making his life & other lives worse. I am currently trying to figure out a set up that will work for myself with my child then I can leave him. I'm not getting anything from this relationship for awhile now. And I don't want my child to think this type of thing is acceptable. I want my child to grow up success in life & I'm willing to do what it takes to make it happen....and yes that IS by leaving him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 February 2018):
Are you crazy?
Yes!!! You left a DRUNK to watch your kid? An 8 year old?! What is wrong with you?
You are so focused on this guy's drinking and smoking you don't even see you CHILD in all this?
That is MESSED up!
That aside - which to me is actually a BIGGER issue. You KNEW when you first started to date him that he drank, smoked and did weed. YOU knew that and you kept seeing him. So in 6 YEARS he really hasn't fully stopped any of that. Because like SO many who drink and smoke weed he is stuck in some perpetual immature loop where being drunk or high is the focus.
JUST like you, he didn't give a rat's ass about your 8 year old kid.
DO YOU want to lose your child?
Does he even work? Can he function well enough to work OR are you also the one who brings home the income?
I'm sorry, OP I think you need to start putting your child first - NOT your relationship. And he needs to go. It is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE for him to be "watching" a child while drunk or high.
I don't even know what else to say.
HE IS NOT going to stop or change for you.
THIS is who he is. What he REALLY needs to do is accept that he has a problem and GET real help, you CAN NOT fix this by "standing by your man"....
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (22 February 2018):
As noted below, you should not be leaving your 8-year-old with someone who is constantly high. This not only puts your child in immediate danger but you are also exposing him or her to a terrible role model! Your child may very well take on the same characteristics in adulthood. As long as this situation continues, you are really being a bad parent. You obviously think this guy is your problem. It is a MUCH LARGER problem for your child, growing up under stress and picturing this as how a relationship should operate. Forget yourself; your worst problem is what is going on in your child's head...addiction, fighting, screaming, lethargy and who knows what else. Be good to yourself and set the right example for you child...get rid of your guy NOW.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 February 2018):
 You left a drunk man in charge of your 8 year old child? Do you think that was wise? Do you think it is wise for your child to see not only HIS addictions but also your relationship and fighting?
As for being supportive, come on. Saying something like "Its a turn off to come home after a long day of work to a drunk man" is hardly supportive. HOWEVER, I would probably have said far worse in your situation - and it would have included "WTF are you doing pi$$ed when you are supposed to be looking after my child?"
If you don't think you are worth better, consider your child and either leave him/her with someone responsible or get out of this dead end relationship and find someone who will make an effort.
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