A
male
age
36-40,
*ruw
writes:I have been in and out of a long distance relationship with a girl for over 3 years now. We have known each other for a long time as we've run in similar circles and we've been great friends even prior to our relationship. She is 10 years older than I, and I am 24. Prior to her I have never had a serious relationship in my life.That all being said.. this is what happened.. The first time we were "together" we both got caught up in the whirlwind romance of it at first and as it usually goes it sort've dimmed from there. I was 21 and in college which meant I wanted to experiment socially. I was going to frat parties and all that sort of stuff and it lead to me generally not making myself available. Which lead her to start pressuring me into spending more time with her, but I just wasn't there in my mind. So I did something terrible.. I cut all contact basically in the dead of night and didn't talk to her for 6 months. Strike 1 against me. When I came back it was during the summer so the social life had died down a little bit. I professed to her that I had made a mistake and I managed to win her back. However, this time she was even more insecure because I had broken her trust. 3 months of pressure later I did it again.. I disappeared. Strike 2 against me. This time I thought I was finished for good. Another 6 months or so passed and again I found myself wanting to at least rekindle our friendship status because she truly had become my best friend, even though I wasn't really one to her. She accepted the conditions of the relationship and we both agreed to do our own thing but still be friends. And this leads us up to a week ago... One night when she was supposed to be hanging out with me she had blown me off and gone out with some guy, apparently one she had been seeing for a little while now but never told me. This sent me into a jealous and insecure fit and I finally came to the realization that I simply can't live without her. I told her this and she, being a very rational person, was willing to discuss it at least to humor my feelings on the matter. The highlights of her points were I'm too high of a risk for too little reward and she simply can't expect that I won't do what I have done twice before again. She also said that this other guy makes her feel good but she said it's a casual thing that she "honestly doubts" will go anywhere or get serious. She has since been talking to me far more than hanging out with him, but when I say things like "please stop seeing him" or "at the very least don't sleep with him" she says "no. You can't expect me to put my life on hold because you decided to start feeling this way again". I can't argue with her logic, but it is tearing me up inside every time she stays the night with him. I ask her if I should stop pursuing her and she always says "I don't know what to feel" so I am caught in this nasty cycle of pain vs hope. I know I don't deserve her and I know I can't blame her for the pain this causes me. I feel that this sense of loss has enlightened me to what I truly want and what I want is her. She says she'll always have deep feelings for me and we'll always be "more than just friends" but again when I ask her if I should stop she won't tell me no.I don't know what I should do. I'd be more than willing to give her time and space and prove to her that I can and will stay around if it didn't hurt so much that she was seeing this other guy, but I do love her enough that I think I can still hang in here if there is hope. I've lost so much sleep over this. It's killing me.
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best friend, insecure, jealous, long distance Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Druw +, writes (3 February 2011):
Druw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI "dumped" her because at that point I didn't realize how much I was in love with her. I was caught up in the moments of college and not weighing out what was truly important to me so I sided with impulsiveness. As far as the LDR part being a barrier, yes I agree completely. I even made it a point to tell her that I was willing to move out there for that very reason. She told me that she just wasn't in a place where that was acceptable yet. Probably because of the other guy.I'm willing to go through hell to get her back. I'm just not convinced she'll have me.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 February 2011):
 So how many times in the past 3 years have you broken up? From that part alone it seems like a vicious cycle.
What did you do in those 6 months for her not to trust you? Basically you dumped her..but for what reason? So you could party? If I were her I'd be questioning maturity more than trust, but then again I can see where she would be afraid of you cheating especially in a LDR. You guys started when you were 21, her 31.. so at one point the moving in together part was discussed but not enacted upon due to college and the fact that you guys were having relationship trouble.
I see it as a mixture of lack of trust, maturity, and the long distance. You have to have trust in a LDR for it to work, there's got to be that benefit of the doubt. She can't give you that; plus you would have to slowly earn back the trust. And you can't really do that in a LDR, especially with her insecurity.
Are you in grad school, or are you finished with school completely? I was going to say if you guys are from the same area, is it possible for you to move back to that area and maintain a close knit friendship? That will get you in a little more with her, that way she can see your improvement. She can't see it being long distance. If that's not possible, then you are at a major disadvantage and it would be best to move on.
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A
male
reader, Druw +, writes (3 February 2011):
Druw is verified as being by the original poster of the question@tennisstar88,
The moving in part was discussed. I was still in school so I was tied down, but I did plan on moving out to be with her once I finished college. As for her looking for some sort of direction from me that's hard to say. She's a very easy going girl and isn't overly ambitious herself. I think her primary motivator right now is she just can't trust me. I just don't know if it's possible that I can win back her trust.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 February 2011):
I obviously can't tell the future and neither can you or her. Who knows if you two will be together again? At the moment it's a no, because she has another guy she's casually seeing. How old is this other guy? Just curious.
I see why she broke up with you, because you were still into the college partying phase. A woman who is 34 is well past that stage and is looking for a man who has a career, goals, and eventually ready to settle down. The again, it's possible she hasn't a clue what she wants if she's casually dating this other guy.
Another issue is you guys have been on again off again during this 3 year LDR. Did you two ever have any plans of moving in together, discussing marriage? LDRs don't last forever, one has to eventually move to be with the other. It also has a high level of commitment. I don't see this from what you wrote.
Anything is possible, but I think she's still yo-yoing you around because she doesn't know if she wants you to be her future. If she still has these deep feelings for you then why aren't you two together? You can wait around, but I wouldn't hold my breath. It's best if you cut off the contact and do the best you can to move on. Keep in mind this is your first relationship, it doesn't have to be your one and only.
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