A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Well, where shall I start? Over a year ago I started dating this guy a friend introduced me to. I had my doubts at first but then I agreed to go out with him. At first it was too incredible. He was kind, passionate. The first sign that something was not quite right was when he spoke about marriage after only a week of being a couple. He spoke of building a house over his parent's (in my country it is quite normal to live with your parents, in fact I lived with mine until a few months ago) and me commuting to work from there. I told him not to rush, that we should take time and have fun and not worry about things yet, that I loved him and I would marry him in time. Now I moved to my own place and 15 min on foot from my work. I'm in no way going from living in a place I own to living in someone else's house. And everyone I know will agree that living so near your parents/in-laws is no good deal for any couple.Then I met some of his friends, including this little guy who is a small mustache away from being Hitler. I learned this guy was his #1 influence in dropping out of university. He seems to worship this guy so much that he even threw a few very racist comments online. I scolded him heavily for that and said that it had been some time ago and he was mostly influenced by this guy. I thought "Whoa, you're not 14 that can be easily led to think whatever some so called cooler guy tells you. You're an adult". But this happened early in the relationship and I let it pass. Stupid me.Then he started to hold me back in some things. I love metal concerts. Big or small. I don't care. And I met him in a metal-related crowd. Now he started to propose different things to do (mostly hanging at his place or mine) on dates when bands play. I missed some shows last year because of the huge setback that was the purchase of my home, but I think that had I been on my own I would have made the effort and bought a ticket for some of them at least.I feel less and less eager to see him, and then recently he changed his appearance so much that he seems like a whole different person. He cut his hair for job interviews because his office was shutting down and needed to find a new job fast (he did fortunately). I understand that completely because at least 4 of my friends had to do the same thing in the last year because of prejudice. But then he shaved off his beard, telling me that it was for an interview and he would grow it back but he didn't. He's 4 years younger than me, but always looked much older. Now he looks like a 17 year old. No joke. The other day he flipped out his ID with his old photo and looked like he had stolen it from an older brother. I feel like a superficial bitch complaining about this, but I just don't recognize him anymore. and I'm not the only one. We met some friends a few weeks ago and they couldn't believe it was the same guy. It's like I'm looking at a stranger.On the other hand, he seems too be as eager to see me and be with me as day 0. On one hand I feel like a cold hearted bitch, on the other hand I wonder if he has matured in the relationship or he is still at that initial stage when you idealize and everything is perfect. This and the fact that he spoke of marriage so soon make me feel like he's more in love with the concept of love and forming a family than with me.Sex is all right, I guess. The only strange thing is that he has never been able to finish by normal intercourse. Only by hand stimulation and most times not even by me. I find that a bit frustrating. He says it's because of the condoms, but I'm not yielding in that area. I trust my bc pills but I have frequent yeast infections which sometimes require medication which can alter the effect of the pills. And there's also the risk of passing it to him.I really don't know what to do. Some days I feel he's all right, just going through some rough times. His mom also lost her job so right now he will be the main support of the family. Some days I totally regret having agreed to date him in the first place and wish I had seen some certain things before making up my mind. It's like there's a on/off love button in my head.He is very nice and caring, and he worries a lot about me which makes it harder for me to think about leaving him. It would be very bad for him right now, adding a breakup to his whole situation. I keep telling myself that I will wait till he's out of the woods and if by that time I'm still uncomfortable I'll confront him.Has any of you felt those mixed feelings? My previous relationship degraded and we both felt the same about it. It ended horribly but we both were aware it was the end. Now he seems to be oblivious to all this, which confuses me even faster. Should I speak to him right now of how I feel or wait and see?
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female
reader, bluegriffin  +, writes (20 May 2011):
if this were truly an adult relationship, you would talk to him about any negative or positive feelings you are having. it doesn't matter what they are about. leaving him should be a decision you make for yourself. You can't stay with someone to save their feelings. it will only hurt worse when you do leave them. every relationship has issues. You have to decide if your issues are worth it or are they not. You can fall out of love without your partner falling out of love and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. if it were my own relationship i would tell him everything and all this post and if he attempted to change for me, i would stick it out a while longer. warning: if he changes for you and doesn't like who he has become, your situations could be reversed.
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