A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay... I manage to get myself into a tough situation here. About 7 months ago I began seeing this guy and it turn into a friends with benefits relationship, mainly because we had both just gotten out of relationships and neither one of us wanted anything serious right then. So here it is 7 months later... And I really like this guy. I have really strong feelings for him and I want a relationship. I know he has feelings for me too. Everyone can tell there a huge spark between us. I've talked to him about it and this is where the situation gets tough. He confirmed that he does have feelings for me and that he does care about me but he's not ready for a relationship. He kept saying things like..."I wish we had moved slower from the beginning." I really like him and I don't want to lose him cause I think we could be great together. So my question is... Would slowing this friends with benefits thing (no sex) help my situation? By the way... It's not just sex with him and I. We go out together and all of our mutual friends know we are seeing each other. I feel like takin out the sex factor would give him time to think about what he really wants. Could this work?
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (6 June 2012):
1 - IMO most woman cannot be a FWB. Just never works out that way.
2 - IMO most men can be a FWB indefinitely. They will try to keep it that way as long as possible.
Ive been in your situation before on the male side. He's saying things to you to try to keep you as a FWB without hurting your feelings.
He DOES NOT want you as a GF. If he did, he would have said so by now. Men are typically direct like that.
A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (6 June 2012):
 It could work. But this is also why I advise people against the whole FWB thing. In more cases than not, one or both of the parties start having feelings and if the opposing partner doesn't share those feelings then it can be hurtful.
But in your case, he shares your feelings (or so he says) but doesn't want the actual relationship - just the sex and hanging out. As man who's been here before, I can tell you that sometimes men say this because there is another woman in the picture. Because the two of you are FWB, your relationship isn't exclusive UNLESS you have both determined that it is (and both parties stick to the agreement). I had two FWB's and ended up caring for both women. It was a difficult situation because I could see myself being with them both, but couldn't do that if one of them was my "girlfriend". Once you label one of the women as your girlfriend, you are now in an exclusive relationship and must discontinue all contacts of sex and hanging out with the other woman. This was my issue - but it may not be his. I'm sharing this with you because in talking with both men and women who were in these relationships and faced a similar issue as yours, the issue of another person was most often the case.
But try it and see if it works. He knows you want a relationship and he says he wants one with you. Try discontinuing sex for a while to see if it gives him a chance to clear his mind about what he wants from you in particular. At this moment, you have to be true to your feelings of what you want and need from a man you're in relationship with. If you want the relationship along with the sex, then you have to FIRST honor your feelings and be upfront about that. Then, you hope he shares those feelings enough to change his mind about it and enter into relationship with you. If not, then you should really consider discontinuing all contact in favor of finding a man who DOES want a relationship. It's a hard decision to make but a necessary one. If you choose to stay and he doesn't give you the relationship you want, you can find yourself missing out on the guy that does because you're too busy spending time with this guy. Just my opinion.
Hope this helps.
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