A
female
age
41-50,
*azzie1
writes:Should I settle for my boyfriend of 3 years who has been abusive and has a bad anger problem. We were living together and I just kicked him out a couple of months ago cuz he tried to choke me at home while my kids were home, luckily they didn't see anything. We were trying to make it work to eventually move back together. Needless to say my boys are 14 and 7 and who've never witnessed any drama from me or their father. He just called me and gave me an ultimatum that I should accept him for who he is. Should I leave him and move on even though I love him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): Your fellow wants to get back together and has told you to accept him the way he is. Accept an abuser? Are you kidding me? I recommend you just say no thanks. He's not healthy--he has a huge problem that needs long term therapy and ongoing care by a therapist. I am guessing this guy wasn't treated that well in his childhood. Most abusive men come from unhealthy backgrounds, themselves. He’s severely limited. You may feel some degree of compassion for him, but don't do this. This is what he's counting on. Your forgiving heart, your sympathy for him. Don't go there, girl. Was he was as compassionate to you when he had his hands on your throat? So keep that in mind and be rational. And know...it's not up to you to 'fix' him..you can't do that. He has to choose a more happier path for himself. A caring, healthy man always offers the kind of closeness that come with respect, devotion and consideration, in a relationship.. Your bf was unkind, thoughtless and abusive. And that will continue, whenever he gets angry. You risk your own life, your children's and all that you have. Why? Because you love a thoughtless, angry man?? So whatever your bf’s problem is, we all know you will continue to pay a high price for it, now and in the future. So be advised, the 'choking' incident' is a symptom of a very troubled man. And no healthy man would ever dream to touching a woman in such a way. If a man is this cruel to a woman like this, what on earth is going to keep him from hurting your kids? And 'walking on eggshells' fearing his anger, is'not' a healthy environment for kids. So, please, Do not allow in your life what you would never think of doing. Do not think that he will never harm the children, you don't know..he's unsafe and unpredictable..his actions proved that. Do not stay because you are afraid you will not be able to survive on your own. You can do it! Tell him to stay away. It seems to me that it is time for you to take a stand for your own peace of mind and in your children’s best interest. Do it...and do it because of your children. Stay away from this man, because you are afraid you might die. The next time he goes into a blind rage and chokes you...it could be fatal. Pray instead for the strength to put one foot in front of the other and live the life you deserve. Now, go out and find support from loving friends and family to help you through your emotional troubles here. I also recommend you take a hard look at 'why' you would even consider such a destructive person in your life. It could have a lot to do with the fact, that you have emotional issues of your own that is making you believe you don't deserve the best, that life has to offer. Good luck and be strong, and use the personal courage you used to kick him out and tell him..."No. you need to stay away from us. I do not accept abuse in my life, so therefore I do not accept you. You have nothing to offer me or my family, so it's over." Stop all contact with him. Then you sit back, think and realize, in about a few months time, you will have moved on, you will have healed and recovered. I know you will have.Come back and update us on your life. Remember this is a safe place to be, where you will get the words of wisdom and support you need. Take Care and keep believe in the beauty and goodness of you...and when you believe you will realize you need a good man who will value you and that is what you should only accept...nothing less.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): I was told by a counselor once that statistics show that abused women go back to their abuser an average of 7 times before they leave for good or die at his hands!!!! Don't add your name to those statistics. Abusive relationships do not get better! They escalate as the years go by. I know...I was in one for years. I wasted 16+ years hoping and praying that he would change. He never did! That counselors words stuck with me throughout the relationship, and as his (my ex) rage worsened, so did my fear that he would kill me. I would wake up in the middle of the night to him breaking everything in the house, including windows! He was delusional by then and paraniod. He'd rant and rave about some imaginary plot I had against him. All I ever did was try to help him...until the day came that I realized I had to help myself! I left for good that time and never looked back!
When, finally out of danger, I knew I had to get help for myself. I was told I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress, just like soldiers on the battlefield. I worked hard, going to workshops and groups for battered women until I was once again empowered and confident. That all happened a short year and a half ago. Today I am happy!
DON'T TAKE HIM BACK, It'll be a long life of suffering and pain. Please let my experience save you from experiencing much of the same!
You don't deserve to be treated like this! No one does!
Good Luck and Stay Strong!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): he gave YOU an ultimatum?? hahah the nerve...tell him if he doest take anger management he's done...I know it's hard...but he couldva killed you
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 December 2008):
 Wow! Just don't take him back, no matter what.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): Dear Poster
For the safety of yourself and your children you should not even consider taking this guy back. Don't even negotiate it with him. Just make it clear that it is over. Stop all contact with him and should he make any harmful threats towards yo or your children apply for an interdict. DO NOT allow him back at your house, not even for a chat. It might be a good idea, as the previous poster suggested, to talk to some friends or family and get some support and assistance from them during this very difficult emotional time. Forget about this guy, your love for him is not enough,to risk your lives; avoid all contact with him; he is dangerous.
You deserve happiness and I am sure in time, you will meet somebody that will value and respect you, treat you with dignity and love you.
BUT for now, the safety of your children and yourself comes first. Think of your children.
Best wishes and lots of smiles.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): I think you've done exactly the right thing by kicking him out. What puzzles me more than anything is that a woman can still love a man after he's tried to choke her. On that issue alone I really do believe you want your head examining for even considering having him spend any time at all with you.
Really, you're much better off without him. Unless you want to become yet another statistic regarding victims of violence and domestic abuse, that is.
Your reply to his ultimatum should be "Thanks, but no thanks".
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