A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I did write a post on here nearly 2 years ago about my partner who had told me that wearing female clothing is something that he has wanted to do from a young age. Anyway i have really been struggling with this finding It so hard to deal with. It was the cause of my partners last marrage break up with his previous wife, as the dressing got out of hand and there was a time when he reached 30 that he felt that he was or should be female. Anyway after meeting me, he decided he cant have this wrecking his life anymore, so he started going to councelling in hope that the feelings and urges of wanting to dress as female would dispear. This has not help at all. As i can see he has been struggling with these feelings, i have tried to help recently and i have said to him okay dress up,lets see if we can find a compromise, so this is what he has started to do dress from time to time. But i am very concerned as he says he gets feelings sometimes but not always that he is female or needs to express the feminine side that he has. He says he doesnt have a problem with his genitaila at all, but does fantasie about having breasts. He has told me that most of the time when we are intermate he fantasises that he is a women in the bedroom and we are lesbians. Ive reached a point where i am really concerned for the future as i am 33 now and really want children, but im worried where my future will be if i settle down with him. He has promised me he would never want to transition into a women as the feeling is not constant. but says he doesnt know why he gets these strong urges that he needs to dress and act as female for a period of time.I have asked does he feel he is trapped in the wrong body, he says sometimes but not always. The feelings vary, some weeks more than others. From my point of view, if it were to stay at him dressing every now and again, i could deal with that. But.. what worries me is how he says, sometimes, he feels he is female, he describes himself as male and female. Does anyone know anything about this at all? And would you be concerned? Do you think settling down with him and having children would not be the way forward? I sometimes think about meeting someone else, but then you never know who your gonna meet and what troubles they will have, and also, im not getting any younger and really want children. I really dont know what to do for the best. Can anyone help that knows anything about this?x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2011): Thanks all for your answers. We have sat down and spoken. He has said that the problem for him is he doesnt know at this stage what he needs in order to be happy. I have said that if he were to dress say once a month and and leave it there then it could be workable. But i cant be seeing it all the time as its a man i want to be with. He does understand that, but then he will say, why does it matter what i am wearing im still me and cant you love me for the person that i am. He never wakes up very happy in the mornings as he feels this way most mornings that he wants to dress and needs to be female. He has said that he will feel like dressing more often than once a month, but if he knows there is a release there then he has something to look forward to. And can i sometimes suprise him and buy him something, he said that would make him really happy. Its worried me as couple of nights ago i bought him some mens shower gel. As he uses mine mostly and when he does buy it, he will buy creamy ones that are womens. He says he prefers the smell of these ones. He wasnt happy that i had bought him male shower gel. I asked would he feel uncomfortable using that one then, he said sometimes a little, as maybe the shower stuff is the only bit of feminity that i will get get in the day he said. Doesnt make sense as it wouldnt make me feel uncomfortable showering in mens shower gel and i havent even any gender issues. Im so concerned. Its as though he doesnt know how often he will need to dress. All he can say is that he knows he would never consider transition as this would not be right for him at all. At the moment though he feels guity for dressing. Im wondering if i am setting myself up for a big fall. And say years down the line im coming home from work and there he is dressed up every night! Sleeping next to me with nightdresses on etc. Im wondering if maybe the best way around it would be for me to give him space to dress as often as he likes and do what he wishes to see if he can find how often he will need to. Do you think this could be a way forward. Do you think all this sounds extremely concering? We talked about kids, he would love to have them too. I asked him would he be happy being a father, or would he be thinking he wants to be the mother, he answered well maybe sometimes id feel that way, but i know what i am. I dunno, im wondering if im seeing red here. I kmow he is being honest with me about his feelings as we have gone through do much upset over this subject. For me, if i knew what i had to except and how far he is going to take it, then i know what i have to work with. But, its as though he doesnt know himself!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): I think if you can handle this kind of lifestyle, and would be happy with it and all its complications, then you should feel confident to settle down with him. However, it's a very personal thing, and many women wouldn't put up with it and be horrified by the thought, whereas some women would be very accepting and happy with their partner, despite his choices. It is entirely up to you, maybe try and get advice from a woman who has a partner like yours?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 There are some good books which address the subject of crossdressing in a "regular" (heterosexual) relationship; and you and your B/F might benefit from reading them together......
It's certainly possible to make a (married) life with a man who C/Ds.. BUT the understanding (and any boundaries) must be mutually agreed-upon..... IF you and he can't reach that agreement, then you (both) have to agree to part....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): No hes not bisexual. He is definatley only into women. Yeah he remebers from the age of around six wanting to wear clothes of the opposite sex. He remembers feeling when he was at school wondering why he couldnt wear what the girls where wearing. He says he went though a stage in his life where if he were to tick the box of male or female he would leave it blank. He says he knows what he is on the outside a man, but on the imside he sometimes feels female but not always, sometimes hes happy as a man. He saiys he cannot describe how it makes him feel when dressed up, he says it just makes him feel really nice and that he hasnt any worries in the world.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (3 November 2011):
A man can be a transvestite and love to dress and act glamorous and like a woman without being a transsexual who feels he is a woman trapped in the body of a man.Just because a man likes to dress like a woman and fantasizes about being in a lesbian relationship during sex, doesn't necessarily mean he wants to transition to physically being a woman.I think the fact that he is open and completely honest with you about his feelings regarding his male/female gender(s) and his feelings about dressing up, and his fantasies during sex all speak volumes about how much he trusts you. He obviously values the relationship you two have greatly and appreciates your acceptance of who he is regardless of whether he is exhibiting his masculine or feminine sides. He would not have confided in you about the lesbianism fantasy if he did not feel you would accept it at face value: as a fantasy.Because you have concerns, and because these concerns about him one day potentially deciding he wants to be a woman would end your relationship, you two need to have a calm and open discussion before your relationship progresses to the next level of commitment. Perhaps you could consider speaking with him and convince him to speak with his counselor about attending joint counseling sessions where you could both discuss this topic under the counselor's guidance? When you bring this topic up with him, don't tell him you are having doubts about your future together. Instead, explain that you would like to know where he stands on his feelings towards his gender before making a lifelong commitment towards him. Tell him you love and care about him deeply and want him to be happy. Touch on the fact that while you have no qualms about him dressing up or his fantasizing about being another woman during sex (and that you are perfectly comfortable with these things), you are and always will be a straight female and only attracted to a person who is biologically (and intends to remain biologically) male. Joint counseling sessions are probably the best way to determine whether you can confidently continue with your relationship, and if you are unsure, further sessions could help you decide whether he is the man (who sometimes feels like a woman) you could see yourself devoting a lifetime to. In the end, all that matters is you both are happy and confident in the strength of your bond.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): Thanks for your reply. Yeah we have spoken about children and he would love to have kids as well. Ive heard that thse people that are transgendered is gets worse with age, how true that is i dont know. Im just not sure if i should stay with him or not. Really dont know. I think if i left him, will i meet anyone again, of i do, what probs could they have, its really difficult to know what the right thing is to do. He is a great person, but i need to be with a man, and i know if he started dressing regularly round the house all the time, im not going to be happt, every now and again i could accept it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 He is who he is and he is never going to change that. I can completely understand why you would be worried. He is very confused at the moment, so off course you are going to be worried that somewhere down the line he will decide he wants to be a woman after all. I don't blame you for your concerns at all.
However nobody on here can tell you what to do, or to leave him, you need to follow your own heart. Talk to him about marriage and kids and see if he feels the same way as you. Does he want to be a father? Does he feel he could handle it? These are all questions and concerns that you need to talk to him about. Sometimes we need to take risks in our life. If he wants to dress up behind closed doors now and again and that'e enough for him well then maybe you can work through it. But nobody knows what the future holds.
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