A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:We have been married for 30 years. I thought we had a great sexual relatioship but find out now that my husband had an affair for 2 years in our 3rd yr of marriage. Ten yrs later he met up with the same woman and I'm not sure what took place ( Bit weird ~ story does not make sense) Now I find out that during the last five years he has going here and there to a massage place where the women walk around in revealing underwear nad he gets a " happy ending "????? For heavens sake..am I just being used? Is it me ? Should I leave him.Please help me...I'm a nervous wreck
View related questions:
affair, underwear Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): OP, do you feel that you would rather not know all these, then you could continuously be happily married? Do you feel that you would be able to forgive him if he would give some efforts to please you? Do you feel that it would be even worse if your husband was cheating on you with single woman other than going to massage place and playing with different women?
As a matter of fact, it might be just a certain period of anger, dispointing, and hurting....but it's not the end of world, you might know it deep down. You probably would forgive him and let it go evantually, after so many years marriage and life spending together. Besides, it is no fun to walk away from a marriage and start over. Most people chosed to stay because lose is bigger than gain.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): Yes you should leave him. It does not matter if you've been married 30 days or 30 years. He betrayed you and broke his marriage vows and kept you in the dark creating a false life for you. In fact it's even worse that you've been married 30 years because that's how long he's been playing you for a fool. You've basically been living in a lie for half of your life, because of him. I would see the 30 years of "marriage" as all the more reason to leave him immediately, rather than a reason not to. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You have just had your world turned upside down. please take care of yourself. Don't waste another year of your life in this 'marriage.'
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): If it was me, I would leave immediately without a second thought. But I understand that you have been with him for so long, thinking that you have a good solid realtionship, so you cant just cut him out and move on. You can ask him to change his ways, and forgive him, but it would definately be a risk thinking you could trust him, and there would be a chance he would go right back to cheating. in the end, you might be happier leaving him, but its going to be something you have to think carefuly on, maybe even talk to a relationship councillor about.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 Well after 30 years of marriage, your husband has been have affairs and getting a handjob (which is prostitution). Apparently, being married for 30 years means nothing to him!!!!
It's not you. He made the decision to cheat numerous times on you. You didn't make that decision for him.
IMO, cheating is an unforgivable act, especially in marriage. He broke his vows. I wouldn't be married to him for 31+ years.
So what if you're older? Lawyer up, serve him divorce papers, and get the money you deserve.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 November 2011):
 The affair enough is reason to leave him, let alone cheating on you constantly under the guise that they're paid to get him off. Leave him to his paid handjobs and find someone who isn't so selfish. I cannot believe the posters saying it's OK to get handjobs from other women in a monogamous relationship because it's stress relief. An orgasm is stress relief for women as well but you don't hear about women going to massage parlors to get off with other men. You should leave him and find someone who actually cares about you and your marriage.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): You will get a lot of bad advice on websites like this, parsed in with a lot of good advice.Your husband sounds like he has serious underlying sexual issues.First off, you just found this out.You are right, "story does not make sense", and it doesn't because you don't yet know the full story, you don't even know the half of it and it will take months to get that information if you ever do; about his sexual life, about his affair(s), and about everything else.You first need to stop having sex with him, to protect yourself from STD's, get tested for STD's, and get a counselor if you want to save the marriage, get a counselor if you want to save yourself emotionally, and get professional help.If you want to save your marriage, it will take over 2 years of hard work by both of you, he will need to do a lot of work, and he will probably need to engage in long term counseling.Was your husband sexually abused as a child/adolescent?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 Please private message me.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 Hmm. Ok. His behaviour is a male failing. What he is doing is bad, but it isn't untypical - he isn't particularly or unusually awful - this is common or garden bad.
So. Do you love him? Is your relationship good? Do you want to be with him?
I say this because I think you have been together 30 years, and you need to consider your options. If, as I imagine, you before this just loved him and were happy and felt your sex life was great, then actually getting rid of him would mean you would lose a huge amount. Your life would change forever. You might not meet someone else. You might end up sad and lonely and bitter, and regret having kicked him out.
Don't get me wrong - what he is doing is very unkind - but men don't see it like that. If he is loving and everything that you want as a husband, he will see it that he is honouring and respecting you and his marriage with you, and that he just erm from time to time has a bit of entertainment on the side. And that is his business (he would think).
Your options are clear:
1. Let it be his business. Accept that he is a flawed male, remind yourself that a lot of men are like this (whether they act on it or not), that they are just like that. Accept that you want him, and you don't want to lose him because of HIS weakness. Why should you suffer? Why should you be alone because of his mistakes? And then just carry on. Business as usual. Love him as no doubt he loves you, and in the same way that we can't make our sons or fathers do exactly what we want, accept that your husband too has his own foible. I am 110% certain he loves and wants you, because if he didn't, he would have gone 27 years ago.
With marriage, it is a choice for life. Yes, there is a get out clause, but you need to decide whether you want to use it. There is also a get out for unwanted pregnancy, but that doesn't mean to say you would go ahead with an abortion. It is the same with kicking someone out for infidelity. If they treat you badly and you hate them, well, ok, let them go. But if you love them and they you - maybe time to work this out somehow.
You are his partner, his wife, but also his mother, and also his daughter. You are every woman to him. So you have to understand him from several perspectives, I think.
2. Don't throw him out, but do confront him. He will be horrified and guilty, most likely. But I doubt he will give up the massage parlours. He will just be more shifty and guilty, and it may marr the relationship between you. Depends how well you talk.
3. Throw him out.
I personally favour number 1 as an option. In some ways lonely for you to carry the burden of knowledge, but you do keep your life and love. And you are in control as you know what is going on.
If you go for 2, it could spoil things badly between you.
If you go for 3, well, good luck out there.
Sorry to sound so pragmatic, but that is what it comes down to. You feel unbearably hurt, but I guess it isn't so bad as an incurable disease. You can get over and through this, and still have him, if you want.
Or you can try your chances without him.
Up to you. Sorry : (
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): Leave you deserve much better and you won't be able to trust him and if you don't have trust what do you have? Good luck!
...............................
|
