A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months now. He loves me a lot and wants to be with me forever.I'm not sure if i want to stay with him though. His character is great, loving, caring, clever, honest etc but i don't feel that sexually attracted to him. Firstly, On a physical level he is a bit skinny and i don't find it attractive. Secondly, he isn't very "alpha male". I find it really attrative when a man likes to take the lead and he doesn't have that quality.But i'm realistic about love and i know the "perfect" person does not exist. I feel that is i stay with him, i will always have that security of knowing someone loves me a lot and he will always be my rock but will i feel like that romantic spark is not there?So should i settle down with him and spend my life with him? Or should i break up with him and search for someone else?
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 March 2013):
 Hi
It's only been 9 months so you really don't have to make any long term choices for ages yet.
As for all his bad points, how would you feel if he had a list of dislikes about you. Would you try to change for him do you think?
If you truly love somebody you accept them warts and all.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 If you are not sure if you want to stay with him, then he’s not the right one for you, and you will always be looking for something better even if it’s just in your subconscious.
Being sexually attracted to your partner is what makes them your partner vs your friend.
His being an “alpha male” is laughable to me… if that’s the key then you need to tell him to step up and what you like, that’s not a big deal. He may or may not be holding back thinking you want him to be less assertive.
His being skinny… well I get that… my husband was too skinny when we met… I felt he looked like a 12 year old boy. Guess what.. in a year he gained nearly 30 pounds and he’s not so skinny any more….
The key is… I don’t much care for that tough guy role nor skinny men and yet I found my now husband irresistible on more levels than not… and poof we are together. I never questioned my attraction to him. For you, after 9 months if you are questioning it, then I think it might be best to consider moving on.
DO NOT SETTLE. The problem is, nothing is really wrong… and you may stay for a while because it’s not GREAT but it’s not BAD either… and this could drag on for a while… then if he proposes… you have an issue because you may not be wanting to settle for him…. Or in a few years you may spy someone who does catch your fancy more than your boyfriend does now.
IF you have to ask…. Then he’s not the right one…. And I would say having this talk with him NOW is key… yes it will hurt him but it’s better to let him make the choice to stay knowing you will probably leave in a few years….
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): NO! Settling for being with someone because they're nice and you know they're infatuated with you isn't fair nor honest. If he hasn't shown himself to be the man you're looking for in nine months, you're wasting both your time and his.You don't carry on a one-sided relationship, because it is convenient. You're using him as a pacifier, until you find what you want to dump him.You've given reasons you aren't attracted to him. You said he loves you, you didn't say you love him. So why are you setting him up to break his heart? You aren't being honest to begin with; so do you really think that's what he deserves, if he is as good of a person as you say?I'm sure you're a nice person. Just young and inexperienced. You should continue dating and learning about men, and what you truly need and deserve. You should love someone before you settle down with him...not settle for whatever you can get for the moment.Find the kind of guy you want. Most importantly, someone you really care for; and he cares for you in return. Hopefully, there is a mutual attraction.He will eventually figure it out when you become resentful and make excuses to avoid intimacy. He will also notice how you react when he doesn't take charge. You shouldn't want a man simply for the sake of having a body-guard, but I do understand that you want to feel safe and secure. Some men seem passive until there is a reason to be otherwise.He may only be gentle and kind, and you see this as weakness.That may only be another symptom of inexperience. You may be attracted to a more aggressive type. They can still get their butts kicked; even if they appear to be strong and aggressive. You don't seem to know much about men. Therefore; it is important that you continue dating until you find the qualities that you need most in a man. Be kind to him and let him go. He isn't likely to want to just be friends with benefits. You're leading him on.The best thing about all this is, you have plenty of time.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 March 2013):
 No, I think he's not your guy. You don't think he's man enough for you, basically. That's not going to change. I'm wondering how you wound up with him in the first place?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): OP first off it's only been 9 months and you're early 20's, way too soon to be thinking about spending your life with anyone.
It sounds like you heard that and freaked out. Well don't, 9 months is nothing.
I also think that's why you're suddenly freaking out because he's not perfect in every way.
The attraction thing may be an issue but you don't say you find him ugly. You only list two traits you're not fond of. Do you find anything attractive about him physically? A cute face, nice eyes etc. or did you just decide out of nowhere to date an ugly guy?
How's the sex, is it fulfilling, enjoyable, have you a good sex life? These are not things I want you to answer just things to answer to yourself.
Most importantly though OP, are you in love with him? You really don't say in your question.
OP we all have our preferences and very rarely do we meet a person who has them all. On the other hand you can't just "settle" either, that's unfair on both partners.
All I can say OP is if you don't love him and find him so sexually unappealing that this feels more like a friendship then maybe it is time to end it.
Look take your time and do some more thinking. Don't stress about being with him forever far too soon to see things that way. Don't let that be a reason to freak out. Just take some time to think about all the things you'd miss if he was gone. You'd be surprized how much you actually liked about a person when you really get down to think about it.
If all you feel is that is a glorified friendship and that you're settling, then yeah, you'll have to make a choice.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (3 March 2013):
 I wouldn't recommend that you "settle". You are doing a serious injustice to yourself and to the man you are dating. Physical attraction isn't everything and its true that in time people's looks do fade....BUT there should be some sort of a spark.
Its just part of human nature that you should feel an attraction to your partner. If the spark isn't there then in time, even though you may never act upon it..you will start looking at other men, wondering what you are missing. Again, it would be a totally natural reaction, but obviously not a good thing.
Please don't settle. If you don't feel a spark by now, its very unlikely that you ever will. You can love someone with all of your heart, but maybe they just aren't supposed to be your mate. I wish you all the best, I know what you are facing isn't a very nice situation to be in.
Think of your future though, and yes, your boyfriend's. If you make the wrong choice..you could make both of you very unhappy in the future. Let him go and find someone that rings ALL of your bells! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 This is a great question to ask. I think a lot of women face this dilemma. I've always heard the saying that it's better to be with a man who loves you more than you love him. The relationship works out better. That may be the case if you treat marriage and relationships like a business deal, but from my humble experience, I was more alive and happy and in full bloom, when I was in a relationship that was full of passion and chemistry, even if it was a short-lived relationship. When I chose to be with someone who offered security but with whom I had zero chemistry, I felt like I was drying up and dying a little each day inside, like a wilting flower. I'm older now and more in touch with what I want, and I will not consider being in a relationship with someone who does not make my heart beat faster. I guess it depends just how much a risk taker you are. If you prefer it safe and secure then this is the guy for you.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 March 2013):
 i honestly went through this very same thing myself, not too long ago. i date women is the only difference, but i was seeing this incredible woman. we clicked on every single level. we were together for over six months and never even remotely came close to having anything to fight about. i loved her company more than anything and we were legitimately best friends. problem was like what you said - the spark wasn't there. i kept telling myself that this is what relationships are supposed to be like and that the spark isn't what mattered. that the sparks will fade one day anyway and it's all about being best friends and being able to share a life together. so i kept talking myself into staying. i eventually, over the course of time, found myself with a wandering eye, and i'm NOT a cheater. i never acted on these feelings, but i found myself thinking about it, so i eventually had to break things off with her because something was obviously not right.
with all that being said, i do believe that there has to be a certain level of attraction to go on. otherwise, what makes this person really any different from a best friend? the person you spend your life with should be your best friend, yes. but they should also be so much more than just that. and having a physical connection and wanting intimacy with them is very important. i know for me, i felt like i was missing something very crucial physically, despite being so emotionally fulfilled.
now i'm in a relationship with a girl who i think is absolutely BEAUTIFUL, inside and out. she does it for me physically and emotionally. i feel like all of my bases are covered in this relationship.
anyway, this is just my two cents. go with what your heart says. but i have a feeling your heart is telling you somewhat of the same thing i'm telling you. otherwise, i doubt you'd be on this forum asking this question in the first place. good luck in whatever you choose to do!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 March 2013):
 You write: ".... So should i settle down with him and spend my life with him? "
The key word in this is "settle"...... "Settle" means that you will compromise what you REALLY want... and will take the best that seems to be available at the time....
Later.... after you've "settled"... you're likely to find a GREAT guy... one who you would not believe you are "settling" for, if you chose to spend time with him.... And this OTHER ONE... the one for whom you "settled" will be the one you will choose to "dump".... and you will be back on here asking: "What should I do???? .... I settled for a guy who was "OK"... but now I have a chance with a guy who really rocks my boat... and I feel bad about dumpiing the one for whom I "settled"....
Don't "settle".... it sucks... and makes you have to feel bad, in the future, when you have to "dump" him....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): He could always gain weight realistically.I think sexual attraction is over rated. I think its part of breeding the best of the next generation by wanting the biggest, strongest alpha male. If you are close to him and don't hate having sex with him then i'd say the "spark" is something that may change with time. If you are replused then i'd say its unfair on both of you to continue in a relationship where you can't stand his touch.Looks aren't all that. A lot of what makes someone attractive is the personality that goes along with it. Paris Hilton may be viewed as beautiful but i imagine that most of us when up close to her would want to dish out a good slap. lol. Basically i think its a good idea to think of him in terms of being a good partner, bestfriend, husband, father of your children. If you can't see him in that role for you then maybe it is time to say goodbye.Sex and looks fade. Would you regret loving him?You said he loves you, do you love him??You have been together nine months, that is not along time. If you are still uncertain about it even after all the advice today then maybe it is worth giving the relationship another six months. You don't have to send him off to the slaughter or commit to him forever today. See what happens and if your feelings do or do not change.
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