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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My ex dumped me 6 months ago. A few months ago after I read something on the Internet, I realized that I'm a narcissist victim. I'm trying to move on, but I still think about him a lot. The last time i sent him a message was 2 months ago and he ignored me. Why is it so difficult for me to move on? I just can't get him out of my mind. It's harder because it's a narcissist relationship? I wrote a letter about how i felt but I'm wondering if I should send it. I'm not trying to get him back but want him to know how much he hurt me. Should I send it and how do i get over it from a narcissist relatiosnip?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (15 December 2013):
 not only will sending the letter not let him know how much he hurt you, it will give more fuel to his fire about being all that....
you think sending it will let him know how YOU feel.... it won't. IT will be a waste of time for you to SEND it.
IT will NOT be a waste of time for you to WRITE IT....
write it... put it away a day or so, take it out, read it... ADD to it... make it freaking perfect.. write EVERYTHING you want to say to him.... then seal it up and put it away.... in a drawer you never use... then one day you read it and you will go "OH YEAH...." then you toss it away.
DO NOT CONTACT HIM IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM!
A
female
reader, Lieutenant  +, writes (15 December 2013):
I think it's a good idea that you wrote the letter, but it's really a terrible idea to send it to him. The best thing to do with that letter is to destroy it; in a really dramatic manner. Like burning it up or ripping it and then throwing the pieces into the sea; to signify that you're done and that you're ready to move on. From then on, take it one day at a time and begin to move forward. Months from now, you will be wondering why you were so stuck on him.
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female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (14 December 2013):
Do NOt send this letter. What purpose would it serve? You are only going to hurt yourself in the long run. He will get pleasure out of this. You stating things in this letter about how he treated you is not going to make him a better man.
You need to focus on YOUR NEEDS. You need to keep yourself busy with stuff you like to do. You are the only one who can control who you are thinking about.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2013): Definitely not! As stated already, this will serve no purpose, and will just maintain an emotional link. You need to go No Contact. That is the only way to get over this. You will come out a stronger person, but you need to get some boundaries. Don't be his narcissistic supply anymore. As you know, if you send the letter, he will feed off your emotional pain. Please do not send the letter, it will only make things worse.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 December 2013):
 well, it all depends on what the latter says. however, most people will tell you NOT to send it. but i'm always that person who is under the belief that if it will make YOU feel better and give YOU legitimate closure, why shouldn't you do it? i see no reason why not.
of course, with him being a narcissist, he won't care. so be prepared for that. he will most likely disregard the letter and move on like it was never written. but i believe that if you feel that you have things left on your chest and in your heart that you need to get out, there's absolutely no reason not to write it.
now, allow me to be more specific. don't sink to name-calling and whining and acting weak. you don't want to give him this kind of satisfaction. rather, act strong and in control. let him know that how he treated you was wrong and state whatever else you feel you need to say for closures sake. just make sure you do it tastefully.
once you send it to him, let that be it. use it as your closure and move on.
best of luck.
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (14 December 2013):
NO, if he's truly narcissistic, then him knowing you're hurt will make him happy. To truly piss him off would be to continue ignoring him and moving on with your life.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (14 December 2013):
 Definitely do NOT send him that letter.
You should be grateful he ignored you the last time. And if he didn't care then, he won't care now. That's the nature of a narcissist. They don't care about anyone but themselves. Telling him how you feel would leave you unsatisfied, and looking weak and foolish.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (14 December 2013):
Dear OP,
It's already been said in very good words before.. don't send that letter. If you send it, it won't help you to let go. You will sit there and wonder "has he already got the letter? did he read it? how did he feel then? what does it mean to him? can he understand my point of view, at all?" etc. etc. and even if he replied, which he probably wouldn't, you are likely to read too much into his answer. So you'll be left alone with even more unanswered questions than now.
He ignored you, which is actually a favour. It's over. It's painful, it's hard to accept or understand. You'll probably never find all the answers you're looking for ("why did I fall in love with him? why did he leave me? why does it hurt so much? why do I still care?"). And that wouldn't change regardless of how many things you'd ask him and what his response is. Because he's probably not that good at looking inside himself and finding some truthful answers there. Or realizing how you experienced this break up. Or even realizing how he feels himself.
If you find that you can't let go, it's important to talk, write, read about your problem. And also to focus on new good things that may come into your life. Not just new potential partners, but a lot of me-time, freedom, possibilities.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 December 2013):
 Sending it would be pointless ( the the others pointed out) But what you CAN do is write it down as IF it was a letter for him, then put it away. Take a week or two and the re-read it and accept that THIS is the guy you dated and thankfully ISN'T dating any more. Once you are ready to let him go, you BURN the letter, setting yourself free in a symbolic way.
There is NOTHING you can tell this guy that will make him feel sorry for what he did, or make him change or be a better man. It's NOT going to happen.
I think you are holding on the the "guilt" of having dated such an asshole, and really, you NEED to let it go. Being angry at him, wanting him to apologize or understand how he made you feel IT'S not going to happen.
At least now you KNOW the signs now and NEXT time you met a guy you want to date, you KNOW the flags and you also knows that walking away if you see ANY of them is what's right for you.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (13 December 2013):
 No point sending a letter to a narcissist. It won't make any difference to how he feels, he won't care that he hurt you. Plus, he won't reply, which will leave you even more hurt (I imagine).
I can see that letter writing to an ex has it place (I did it once) but it has to be with zero expectations. You can write to get things off your chest, but shouldn't write to try and get him to change his ways (he won't) or get a response. And why give him the satisfaction of knowing you still think about him this much after 6 months?
Certain types of people are drawn to narcissists and toxic relationships. You could think about whether you're one of them (to learn, and avoid similar men in the future), though maybe you were just unlucky.
Narcissists can behave in such weird ways that leave people completely head-f****d, trying to work out what went wrong or what they did wrong. It's likely that you did nothing wrong, that's just the way he is and there's no changing him.
I think that writing a letter is actually good if it's cathartic, but sending it won't be good. Have a ceremonial burning (or shredding) of that letter and think of it as having got over another hurdle.
Truly the best way to move on is to tell yourself that you will never contact him ever again, make it a firm promise to yourself so the very idea of doing it is redundant. No contact is the best way to put thoughts of him behind you: e.g. no tormenting thoughts of 'shall I send that letter' or 'maybe I'll wish him happy Christmas in a text'. I hope you get my point; when you accept that contact will bring nothing but more pain, you won't want to inflict that pain on yourself.
Good luck. There are loads of blogs about getting over a narcissist. Here is just one example: http://lifelightloveafternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2011/07/17/life-after-the-narcissist/
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2013): NO! Do not send the letter. It will only be an expression of your pain; and if you've read about a narcissist, you know they won't care. In fact, they take pleasure in knowing they are the cause of suffering and pain.You can write a journal, letters, and make list of all your pain. TO YOURSELF! It's therapeutic; but for your eyes only. Or, you can let a close friend read them aloud. It's better to keep them to yourself. Then destroy them.During a period of grief and suffering, the mind needs an outlet. You need a way to verbalize or express your feelings in written-form. If you can't otherwise get your point across face to face; you're really wasting your time trying to send it to someone who has cut you off.You'll have to fight the urge. I know it is easier than it sounds. He will mock you and will use your words and exposed feelings as a weapon. He'll ignore you, and make you feel all the worse. It will not benefit you to receive his remorse; because it doesn't matter anymore. You will feel no better for it. If you think he's a narcissist, what feelings are you trying to appeal to?Do everything you can to stay distracted. Do things that make you feel good. Find the people you love to keep you company, and share some fun. See a grief counselor and get your feelings out to someone willing to listen. Not someone who doesn't care. Stop dwelling on the pain. You have to put it aside, and not let it consume you.See your doctor to be sure you aren't slipping into depression.People have family to fill in the void. They seldom reach out to parents and loved-ones. If you have alienated and neglected them, to center all your attention on him; then now is the time to rebuild your bridges and reconnect. That will take up a lot of your time. This is the best time of year for it.My heart goes out to you. I was dumped in April, and know exactly how it feels for you right now. Even considered doing exactly the same thing. That's why I rushed to answer your post.
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