A
male
age
30-35,
*ovingnerd
writes:Now this comes from my experience with my brother.We'd been a not-so-happy perfect middle-class family with a very fairly violent dad and a not-so-learnt mother. Parents divorced and me and my brother (6 yrs younger) decided to stay with mom - my brother because of food necessities and me for freedom from a Hitler-like environment.Now of my teenage years, I can look back and know how I acted in certain situations and how my dad reacted to them (pretty violently) and suppressed things very badly. I know now that back then there was no way of me knowing the 'right thing' (albeit I am against the notion of there being a right thing). But I know I was innocent, acting on my intuition, and understanding there was nothing I could do to avoid those things. Say, for instance, how could I as a teenager be the only person 'WITHOUT' a cellphone in my peers? I understand there are tons of different things at work here, but I know since I've been through it that there was nothing I could do to avoid those 'teenage problems'! Oh, well, my dad did decided to get me a cellphone after a while - say when my peers started having phones five times as expensive as I had. (in India, this cellphone crap was and still is very much in hype)Now I see my brother undergoing the same set of problems. The difference now is, there is no-one to suppress him. That I think is a good thing because I know how I've benefited from that (to begin with, I gained weight for the first time in my life). So one can now guess how bad a situation we (my mom, me, and occasionally dad) is in. What I want to know is,.. what sort of arguments do you make to persuade a teenage child highly under peer influence to think a bit of all the crappyness of their actions? I know from experience that my brother is not to blame at all, but then, how do i get him to understand the bigger picture? Clearly, my he doesn't even want to listen to me; he says I'm nerdic and he doesn't want to become like me,. so what I say is just meaningless to him. It is now I feel that my dad too, was at some point, innocent in not knowing what to do. He was a violent person - so he used violence whenever he thought it must be used.There is also another difference in situation which bothers me a lot. I could hope for him to gain the understanding I think I have and for things to eventually turn out well the way they did for me. But I think can look back and brood over my interactions with dad because I knew from the beginning that my dad was not to blame for the way things have turned out. But with my brother, he blames mother for allowing me to stay with her, and eventually everything that has went wrong with him. But again, I could be very wrong. I want to know if there's any way if I or even if he could make himself a little wiser a little bit earlier.
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male
reader, lovingnerd +, writes (14 December 2013):
lovingnerd is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dear WiseOwl,
Thanks a ton, firstly for taking so much time in writing at such length, and for adding to(I daresay sparking) the optimism in me.
I wasn't sure if this gentle & loving persuasion will work, but then I guess that's the only choice left. Parenting really is dreadfully difficult and the materialistically obsessed culture definitely isn't helping.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2013): Because he is young. His mind is too immature to see reasoning; that even you didn't see, until you were much older. You now look back on it. Then things become clear.Even for an experienced parent, getting a resistant teen to reason and realize life realities is a challenge. They were unable to contain you, not only for the lack of parental skills; but because you were too old for them to suppress your behavior. There is no perfect household where children are always obedient and reasonable. There is always rebellion and disrespect. Not always violence and abuse.He sees only fault in everything; because he is being teased and pressured. It is too much to bear. It is all around him, that everyone has what he doesn't. Nothing you can do or say about it, but advise him. He has to learn as you did. The hard way. Materialism is a powerful thing. It is saturated in the media, and in every face you see.If he chooses crime and violence, he will learn the error of his ways in spite of your intervention. The key is to continue and not give up on him. Persistence shows you love and care. It shows that although he has given up on himself and his present situation; he can count on your optimism and concern for his well-being and happiness. That is all a loving family can do.He is not the only one suffering. He can only see as far as his own condition. That's part of being a teenager. They have to grow out of it.Do the best you can. Without discipline, he may fail. So he may be lost to the streets. You can offer only a limited amount of help, as can your parents. If they do not have the power to save him, he it too far gone for you to save.He has seen you in the past, and your argument is unconvincing.He has his own choices and they will determine his fate. He is old enough to some degree to make decisions and use limited judgment. He knows right from wrong.If all he cares about is what he doesn't have, life will teach him lessons the hardest ways. He needs to be in school to make sure he earns an education to facilitate him in getting a job. How can he expect things you can't afford? That is the depth of his childish thinking. Remember, although he has the mind of a child; he has the will of an adult. That makes him resist; but it will also bring on consequences he will soon discover only happen out of foolishness and poor judgment. Love makes you despair. Trust time, your persistence, and patience to bring him around. As it did for you.You must also relax and allow him to fall and pick himself up. My grandmother use to say, "hard-heads make soft behinds."
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