A
female
age
,
*abby60
writes:I met a guy on a dating site who told me he was seperated, he told me he loved me after 2 weeks, he then told me he was still with the wife and begged me not to finsh it with him, he left her the week after, we had been seeing each other for over a year, viewing houses to buy together and went on a couple of holidays together, then he just left and has gone back to his wife, i have found messages and subscriptions to sex sites, swingers sites, gangbang sites on his emails going back ten years, he has told numerous women he love them, he is a serial cheater, i have copies of all these emails should i send them to his wife anonymously, i was always honest with him and feel the need to get revenge, i knew he had cheated on her with at least 2 women but not as much as i have found out, i feel used and have wasted a year of my life with him, should i get revenge
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): yes it's OK to tell his wife, after all she has a right to know. If you keep this information from her, and so does all the other women he's been cheating with, she will never know what he's been up to and he will have gotten away scot free and suffered no consequences for what he's done. why would you want to enable him to get away with what he's done? I don't think it will satisfy your desire for revenge though, but the wife should know what he's been up to.
A
female
reader, tabby60 +, writes (3 October 2012):
tabby60 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you oohlala for ur comment, i was just mad and upset because his wife blamed me for the break up and called me a slapper,he had made a fool out of both of us, i wanted her to know that i was not the first that he had been cheating on her for years, When he went he just said i told you i was a bastard, so i wanted him to know i could be one too but i know what i wanted to do is not the answer, i would never speak to him again let alone take him back,
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A
female
reader, oohlala11 +, writes (2 October 2012):
My opinion is, if I were you, I would do it for the sake of letting her to know how he really is. What pain are these people talking about? Wouldn't it be better for her to really know what's going on? Why would you hide such emotional crime from someone who deserves to know. But I have to say, your purpose of doing it which is based on revenge is arguably wrong, in my opinion. If one has to reveal the truth of what this man has done, it's got to be because you want her to know what his husband is doing behind her back and hence she can make her own judgement. But if you're thinking of breaking them up just so he gets a payback or one day you get a chance with him, I don't think it's right. And besides, now that you know what kind of person he is, you would never fall back into the trap, would you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2012): He is not worth any further expenditure of energy or thought. Let this recede into the past. Focus on the people, diversions and task that bring you joy. You are deserving of peace.
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A
female
reader, tabby60 +, writes (2 October 2012):
tabby60 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your comments, things are a bit clearer in my mind now, i know what i need to do
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): i'll get straight to the point.
revenge is for petty teenage girls.
it's childish and such a waste. just like resentment.
i once heard a quote about it. though, it's not verbatim it goes like this, " resentment is like swallowing a poison in the hopes of another dying!" i think it's the same for revenge. you will hurt someone else in order to feel better but in the end, YOU will be the one poisoned.
be mature for god's sake! and let this go.
ever heard of the High Road? it usually turns out better for those who take it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): Weeks of worrying about this are weeks you are wasting.
She knows he's not the husband he should be.
Sorry you experienced such lousy treatment, but inflicting pain on someone else (his wife) in order to target another person (him) is just plain cruel.
Forgive yourself for being gullible. Learn the signs of these types of conmen and be thankful you are not the one married to him.
Be aware of when you begin to plot revenge on him. Acknowledge your anger at him and then let it go.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 October 2012):
 Yes of course you are entitled to date whilst separated and to fall in love if it happens. Lots of people move on to a new relationship whilst waiting for divorce...it's not the best time to do it but hey! it happens all the time.
I totally get that you were a bit naive having come out of a long marriage. When my marriage came to an end after 19 years, I began to date and my eyes were opened very quickly at the amount of games, lies, cheating, that goes on. I can only speak from my own experiences but I unfortunately met some really awful men and I learned to avoid them. It's a total minefield and if you are feeling sad, lonely or lack confidence, it can make you vulnerable to players and cheats.
It's not your fault...you just needed to learn that not everyone is who they say they are.
Like I said, tell his wife if you feel you must but don't think it will stop him...people like him tend to get what they want come hell or high water.
Taking the high ground and walking away with your head up might prove more fulfilling in the long run and will be a quicker route to healing rather than letting your plan for revenge keep you up nights.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 October 2012):
 Sadly for you no matter how you justify it, it's NOT YOUR PLACE to tell her.
sorry. I still vote no.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 October 2012):
 She either can't or won't put a stop to his antics but I'll bet the farm she knows about them. You already said you were upset about the wasted time, so stop doing it.
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A
female
reader, tabby60 +, writes (1 October 2012):
tabby60 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for ur comments,im a bit confused,like i said he told me he was seperated just like i was,if i had know i would not have met him,which he knew, i believed him when he said his marriage was over and they went there seperated ways as i was in the same situation in my marriage of 30 years until i had the courage to leave, and im still seperated and have been for the last three years as i cant afford to divorce at the moment, i even stayed in the marital home till it was sold because of money, does it mean cause you are seperated and on your own your not entitled to some love and affection from another seperated person? Im not proud of my part in all this im not the one telling lie after lie and yes looking back i was stupid to believe he could love me after 2 weeks, im not wise to the scams that go one havin been married for 30 years just gullible, i just wanted to be loved again like most women, i dont want to hurt his wife any more than i have i just want her to be aware of what he is capable of, yes she may know but i dont think she does, havin once asked him if i was the only women he had slept with, just maybe if she knew she could put a stop to his antics, i have had this information for weeks and ave not done anything with it thats why i posted on this site to get your responce, i have had sleepless nights about what hurt and harm i could cause, im not a nasty person im just someone who fell for the wrong kind of guy
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): No, you should not get revenge in the way you describe. That type of revenge merely inflicts pain upon another human being. You become a source of misery to another person. That is not revenge. That is cruelty.Revenge would be this: living your life without him in it in any way. He is not present in person, or in your thoughts. Delete, throw away, discard anything that was of him. Everything goes.This may be painful to you. The process will feel so final.Go through it nonetheless so that you may have the chance to experience peace.Peace is not found in harming others or manufacturing conflict where none exists.Peace may be found via many paths. The path you propose taking is not one of them.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 October 2012):
 Actually, you're still wasting your life on this guy. You may think you're not, but you still very much are.
I agree with the aunts who said that you should have run from a guy who said he was separated (not divorced), and especially that he brought up love within 2 weeks. That alone is really creepy.
His wife already knows he's a dog. You will only serve to look gross if you email all of this crap to her. You dated a married man. Separated is still married, and you are still a third party to an extramarital affair.
The way you move forward is to learn the lessons you learned from this and make yourself better, not by continuing to waste your life with him.
Tell yourself you will never date a married man again, no matter what the story is about him. Tell yourself that you will never allow loneliness or desperation to allow yourself to ignore warning signs of declaring love too fast, or to consider seeing a guy after you catch him in a monumental lie (lying that he was separated only to find out he was still with her)
Sometimes lessons are very costly to learn, and if you keep obsessing after this man, you will not have learned them. Your "revenge" is still a way to keep him in your life. You're still wasting your life on him, and after the reveal that he was still with his life, you are just as responsible for wasting that year. You are. I doubt you're thinking of taking revenge on yourself, right?
Time to walk away, learn the value of the lessons this has taught you, and become a better person. That road is by deleting all traces of this man's existence from your computer and your life.
You want really *GOOD* revenge?? Cut everything about this guy off from you, and become a better person, and eventually find a single guy who is a keeper. The best revenge is when this other guy can't raise your pulse in anger, and all you feel is icy pity for the mockery his life and relationships are, and charity for yourself for having made some mistakes, yet gaining valuable lessons from them.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 October 2012):
The wife already knows. You'll get no revenge by sending her the emails. It will just be yet one more bad decision on your part. I wouldn't waste another second on the guy.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 October 2012):
 tabby: Sorry you ran in to one of us "uber-player" men...
Consider the relative merit of passing along your info to wifey... She gets to have her heart broken - yet again - and this idjit gets a tiny "speed bump" in his road of philandering.....
It COULD make you feel better for a few minutes (to extract that revenge that would be so sweet)... but, in the long run, will serve little or no purpose to the human experience...
I suggest you spend all your time forgetting this creep...
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): No way homes. If he is always on the make she'll find out soon enough.
And don't forget. What makes you so much better than the other women he cheated with.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 October 2012):
Revenge is not going to heal your heart.
Revenge may or may not punish him...
she may know and look the other way
it may just make her sadder that she's already being a doormat to this idiot.
IF your goal is to let her know you have to consider your motives.
If your goal is to hurt him, that's not going to happen... he is beyond that.. he's a user and a player... and therefore pretty much bullet proof... he will just move on to his next victim.
I'm so sorry you got played and hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): I don't sympathize with your position at all, you made a catalogue of bad choices here OP knowing full well this guy was a creep, you're the person who continued on with this for a whole year and now you want to get revenge like this is his fault? Go ahead then OP act like a teenager but it will do you no good, it'll just make you a bitter, spiteful, selfish woman.
He told you he loved you after 2 weeks, I mean come on that's one of the biggest red flags going and you should have ran a mile. He also told you that he was still with his wife but you didn't care, you didn't care about her then you gladly went with him behind her back and even now you don't talk about helping her you talk about your own selfish need for revenge. You are just as bad as this guy OP, you are just as selfish and self serving and are only pissed off because your selfish ploy didn't work out and Oh My God this untrustworthy player wasn't trustworthy for you either shock horror!!! If you want to be that petty then go ahead, you'll learn nothing in life. I have no respect for women or men that do this kind of thing. Gladly fuck another persons partner then think they have some right to revenge because he fucks them over too.
It was you who fucked you over OP not him and now you want to go hurt his wife to get your petty revenge? Go for it and enjoy being the petty, bitter, morally corrupt type of woman that most of us guys won't even go near. A woman who doesn't mind cheating, a woman who believes a guy when he says he loves you after 2 weeks a woman who wants to set up home with another woman's man and one who then somehow thinks she's the victim in all this? Give me a break OP.
I advise you to learn your lessons from this, you go burned by your own actions and unless you take some kind of responsibility and have some form of empathy and compassion for other people then you're just going to keep getting picked up and thrown away because only assholes and fools will date a woman who does this kind of thing.
Rise above it, be a better woman and learn from this that if you're selfishly willing to fuck over other people then you too are going to burned.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (1 October 2012):
 To be honest, she probably knows everything you could tell her and a lot more too. I am not convinced that you may not end up feeling even worse after telling her. He will have every excuse there is ready for it already. They may even find common ground by turning everything on to you. It would be far easier for her to blame you than accepting "the man she loves" is no good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): I would tell his wife because it's the right thing to do, not for revenge. I realize you are hurt and angry, with good reason! Don't give him any more power.His wife should know what kind of scum he really is and she should know that you support her and if you had known he was a married man, you would have never crossed that line and you feel horrible about it.Karma really does have a way and it will work itself out on it's own. You do the right thing, and let that guy figure out his own mess. He's probably pretty good at it and won't have a whole lot of remorse for doing so since it's a chronic thing...but his wife does not deserve to be in the dark. What she does with the information is up to her, but you can wash your hands of the situation with a clean conscience. Really sorry this happened to you. I hope you have learned YOUR lesson on this too...."dating" sites are not what they used to be and you are going to get more of the same then the real thing. Never get involved with a guy who is "recently separated" and knee deep in his divorce..."our marriage has been over for years and now we are finally doing something about it", blah, blah, blah. If it does not progress as natural relationships do, move on...something is not right. Men jump in well before the ink it dry because they don't want to be alone and deal with their past. And then there are the guys who do what your guy did. There are real men and good guys out there, you just have to weed through the garbage to get to them, and it's usually worth it :-)
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 October 2012):
Let me just say I sympathise with you completely.
I know the internet is plagued with predatory people, confused people, con artists, cheaters, liars etc etc. I know what is like to be taken advantage of by some of these people and I know what it feels like to get even.
Picking your situation apart (and going only on the facts provided) it seems you did indeed get hooked up with a serial cheat and obviously one who uses his wife like a bolt hole when the heat gets too much.
What one usually finds is that the wives of such men are usually 'in the know' about their husbands behaviour but choose to stay for some or other reason, so telling the wife may not give you the revenge that you so desire.
That said, I see no reason why you shouldn't tell his wife, after all, you may be doing her a favour, but I should first gather your evidence, enlist the support of other women he has 'wronged' if you can and remain calm in your delivery.
Some people will shout me down for supporting you in your quest, saying that it might be unfair on the wife or it may destroy his marriage...this leaves him free to continue to trap other women and destroy their lives...so what is fair about that?
What I will say to you is this...DO NOT expect a favourable return from his wife. Say your piece, give her the evidence and then move on with your life.
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