A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just wondering what people's thoughts are on this. My best friend has been single almost constantly for 10 years and obviously at times this has got her really down and I've often had to pick up the pieces.She saw a guy briefly for about three months 6 years ago but ended it because his work meant that he didn't have enough free time as she would have liked to get to know him better. She then fell victim to a player via internet dating.Took a break from internet dating, but dabbled again and met several liars including several who had said on their profiles they didn't have children when they actually did. Lying of course is sufficient reason to not see them again but the reason they did so was because my friend made it clear on her profile that she would not date guys with kids. She has, throughout all this time, said she did not want to date a guy who had been married or had kids already because she wanted to share those things for the first time with someone, as she did not have kids and had not been married. She also said another reason for not dating a guy with kids was that although he probably wouldn't have primary custody, it would obviously limit his available free time to date (and like the previous guy, this was not something she would accept).She is 39 and has suddenly started to date a guy who is divorced with three kids. She did know him when she was in her teens - not romantically - but hadn't seen him for about 20 years when he suddenly got in touch via FB.While I am pleased that she may have met someone I am also concerned that she has totally jettisoned every single "dealbreaker" she has operated on for all these years. There were loads of guys she could have gone out with but didn't because of these reasons which she said were non-negotiable. I guess I am worried whether her loneliness has caused her to jump feet first into something that actually isn't going to make her truly happy but that she thinks this is better than nothing. It's so, so out of character for her to do this.I've seen other friends as they approach 40 suddenly behave out of character and in every case they have regretted it (two are now single mums and desperately unhappy and admit that their loneliness made them tear up their dealbreakers and they are now stuck in what they perceive to be a mess). I can't say anything can I? I just have to be there in case it does go to hell?
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (10 September 2016):
 I don't think this has anything to do with a deal breaker. I think she feels a spark and connection with this guy that makes her want to explore a relationship with him. In the end that is what we are all seeking with someone else...a connection.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 September 2016):
 The reality may have hit her that, whilst it's not impossible, it will be harder to get pregnant once, let alone more than once, so a guy with kids may not be a deal breaker any more. She may still want her own, but she may not need it to be with a childless guy.
I think you should leave her be.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 September 2016):
 Maybe she just really likes this man therefore sees past his ex and the children. I can understand your worry and concern for your friend. But she needs to live her own life, and she is old enough to do so. As long as you are there for her as a friend nothing more should be expected.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2016): She's 39 years old. Not 19. You can set a grocery-list of useless deal-breakers if you like in your profile. Hers make no sense. You are still left at the mercy of the honesty of people on dating sites. Same goes in real-life. Whether a man has been divorced and has kids, has nothing to do with his character or morals. You're going to meet single-men with no kids; who are liars, players, and cheaters. Because she's dating within the human-race.
It's best that you stay out of her love-life. She's a grown woman, and falling back on others to do her thinking for her is why she hasn't found anyone suitable in 10 years. That long period of time without one single successful relationship, may say something about her personality as well. Guys see something about her that you don't; because you are blinded by your fondness for her as your friend. Dating her is apparently something altogether different.
You even seem to have a low-opinion of her as a weak personality by your own description.
People who can't find love, usually don't love themselves. They have not taken advantage of their time alone, to do self-improvement, or work on their weaknesses. They are often pessimistic, insecure, and ungrateful for the small blessings life offers. They never show joy, and are always feeling sorry for themselves. Instead, they wait around for love to fall in their laps. They usually expect a lot, and offer little in return. They spend more time complaining, than giving thanks. You should avoid people like this. They will suck the light out of your spirit.
When you make a list of deal-breakers on your dating profile, all you're doing is setting yourself up for liars and scammers. They will simply tell you what you want to hear. People are never exactly what they claim to be in their profiles. Your friend included. We embellish. So everyone runs the risk of connecting with a potential liar or psycho. We all have faults and imperfections others must endure. She has finally come to her senses about all that unrealistic nonsense about being the first of everything in someone's life. Your divine blessings don't always come designed according to your specifications. They come according to what you need and what's best for you. Not to say you can't have standards. You should, but you should also meet them yourself. It's a two-way street.
The best thing for her to do is, get to know who she's dealing with by talking and listening. Meet the first time in a public place, if you met online. Don't attach your feelings based on cozy conversations. Talk is cheap. Don't allow neediness and loneliness to over-rule your better judgement. You have to take risks, but use common-sense.
Don't leave it up to your heart to make decisions. That's why God gave us a brain.
Seriously! Stop demonizing men, and playing her up to be an innocent saint. She's not perfect. Nor is she a fool.
Dates are meant for getting acquainted, having fun, and introducing yourself to a potential romantic-interest. Nowadays, people have a good conversation; and instantly attach feelings. There is no wisdom or common-sense in that at all. How can you fall for somebody you don't even know? Let alone whether or not they have kids, or have ever been divorced. That's like searching for virgins. A hymen is no proof a woman is moral and virtuous. Guys don't have them!
So his word is all you've got!
You don't know the man. She's just getting to know him, and it's up to her to decide whether to make him the exception to her rule. Not you! It doesn't make her feeble-minded or desperate; because she decided to be flexible about his past relationships. She should be more concerned if he has a criminal past, has a history of domestic violence, he's disease-free, has a good character and personality as a man, shows kindness, has a strong work-ethic; and if he sees the things in her that he's looking for.
Single-men can have baby-mama drama regardless of their own character. Women try to trap men into permanent relationships through pregnancy all the time. That's why no one should have unprotected-sex, or get DNA testing if you aren't sure you've fathered a kid. If he demonstrates he's a good father, has a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, and overall demonstrates a good disposition as a person; her deal-breakers should be revised.
You should support her, but not prop her up. Let her do her own thinking and make her own decisions. She's not your teenage daughter. This is long, because I try to help anyone who reads this and has a similar situation.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (7 September 2016):
 I would stay out of it. Unless you know something really terrible about him (drugs, criminal record, beating his ex or kids)..this is her business. She may have lowered the bar for standards in dating or perhaps she just really likes the man..only she knows. Just be there if she needs a shoulder to cry on down the road.
My sister is in a very similar situation, she didn't date for 14 years after her divorce, raised 2 kids alone and has now taken up with a man 13 years older than her, no job, doesn't pay for anything and while he seems nice enough..he has NOTHING that my family can see to offer her and yet she says she loves him. What can you do??? Love is blind, deaf and dumb sometimes.
Let her make her choices..that's really all you can do if you don't want to lose a friendship. Keep in mind that what you may see as bad, she doesn't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2016): I agree. She's a big girl. And she will do as she pleases, with or without your interference.Obviously your friend and her boyfriend click on some level. It is not up to you or anyone else to judge or figure out their relationship.Nothing in life is set in stone. And we have the prerogative to change our minds or expectations. Sometimes we have a list on paper and think we're sticking with it until.... we meet somebody that we have chemistry with and we decide to overlook some of the items on the list. Sure, maybe loneliness could be a driving force, too. But, so what if it is? Nobody likes to be lonely. And if she is happy with him on some level, then be happy for her. It is her life. She should be able to live it in any way she pleases. Your advice or opinon will not change a thing. What is meant to be will be. What is meant to happen will happen. Not all relationships are meant to be serious. Perhaps she is just enjoying it as it is right now and likes his company. Living in the moment. Nothing wrong with that. She is an adult. I am sure she understands that there are risks to all relationships. The good comes with the bad.Some friends would state their peace and then leave it alone. Some would say nothing. I have had friends voice their opinions about my boyfriends in the past. Most of the time, deep down I knew they were right. But I did not listen. Because I was enjoying what I was getting out of the relationship at the time. It was MY choice. I have had some friends nag me about certain guys. I would then tune them out. And distance myself from them. Nobody wants a nagging friend. The friend eventually comes across as bitter and maybe sometimes even jealous themselves if they are single. So, sometimes a rift is created due to too much interference. You may think you are being helpful and it's because you care but to a person who does not agree with your views and does not appreciate your interference, it will be seen as meddling. We tend to push away those who meddle in our lives. It's a natural reaction. So, if you did say something, be prepared for your friendship to change. You just never know.Always best to keep your nose out of people's business. Be there for her. Be her friend. Be non judgmental. Be there for the good but also be there for the bad... if she needs you if ever the relationship goes sour.We have to wish our friends the best and let them live their lives as they see fit.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 September 2016):
 I would not say anything unless she asks.
Ignoring the otherwise "usual deal-breakers" is HER choice. Now she might find later on that disregarding these standards/deal-breakers might not be a good thing. But for now I'd let her figure that out herself. OR with your help IF she asks.
Her life, her choice.
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