A
female
age
22-25,
*sabellesmith
writes:Me and my ex broke up in the new year as he has moved to Australia for a year. Our relationship was great, we had been together a year and were both very happy and in love. We both cried endlessly about the breakup. We had never been in this situation before, where we were breaking up but there were so many feelings there and no arguments or other reasons to break up, just solely the distance. I would have moved with him if i could but i need to finish my studies. At first, we were talking everyday , facetiming, calling , texting etc. We argued a lot and then made up. and we aren't even together! We were sort of trying to be friends? we were having arguments because we didn't know how to act with each other, i kept crossing the line and he would tell me i need to move on and let go and 'who knows what will happen in the future' and 'i need to live my life as if we aren't getting back together' but when i started to do that he would say' i don't want you to move on, i don't want you to be with other people'. He would say he knew it was a potential consequence but it is not what he wanted. We love each other, feelings are still there so it was all very complicated. He tried to give me the impression he was moving o because he had 'no choice' and act like he didn't care anymore and was over it by following girls on social media , whereas i was always open and honest with my feelings. About a week ago, he calls me screaming calling me everything under the sun, really angry because i followed a boy on instagram. It was very over the top and dramatic considering he has followed over 50 girls since we broke up, but it did show that he still cared. I know him he gets very defensive and i am normally the only one who can calm him down, but this time he is on the other side of the world! (i am in the UK) Later on, he regretted all the hurtful things he said as i knew he would and apologised. He knew i was really angry this time because he was out of line. He kept saying "at least this time it makes it easier for you" he said this 3 times! 'maybe its for the best as it makes it easier for you' 'at least there is a silver lining as it makes things easier for you' and ' except this time it is easier for you' how does he mean this? i find it so confusing! is it genuine? does it mean that its not easy for him?. I have not replied to this text. We have not spoken in a week. This is the longest we have ever not spoken. I know i want him back, but until he comes back, there is no chance. I just don't know what to do. He hasn't said anything to me and has unfollowed me on everything so he has no sight of me anywhere. I am getting on with my life i have been on dates, exercising. But i always have time to think about him. He is my person and i just want him back. We had a deep connection that i now he felt too. I just want advice that isn't what i have been hearing like ' i don't know' or 'if its meant to be it will be' or too just move on. i know that isn't what i want. He said i will always have a special place in his heart and he will never forget me, that i am the best relationship and most important person he has ever met and he would not have been able to do this trip without me being in his life. I just wish i knew what he thought now and if i should maintain contact.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2018): [EDIT]:
"Don't let love slip through your fingers; only to see pictures of his new girlfriend on social media, or receive some heartbreaking notification that he's engaged!"
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2018): There is no difference between a break and a breakup. A break is when you are tired of fighting and you need to take a time-out to reload so you can have the nerve to just end it; or you need to plot some sort of exit-strategy when you know you're going to get a lot of flack and drama.
You can hold-on until he finally tells you it's over and by that time he'll be seeing someone else. The thing about some guys is that they can be seeing someone but they try to keep their exes in limbo. They don't like knowing their ex-GF is having sex with another guy. So they write you sob-stories or tell you how they love and miss you. You have to cut him off so he can't do that.
Sweetheart, you need to move on so you can find your happiness. Don't let love slop through your fingers only to see pictures of his new girlfriend on social media or receive some heartbreaking notification that he's engaged!
Continue to hold-on. You're wasting your time and torturing yourself with false-hope. It is likely he will be the one who breaks up with you. I've seen this whole scenario over and over and over. It's usually the ladies who hold-on; until the guys breaks her heart, and he moves on!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 March 2018):
 Whether it's temporary or not, it IS a break up. You can't take a break for a year - especially as you have no idea whether you'll still be compatible or geographically close in a year.Please don't be naive - he doesn't need to find someone on the same level, he could sleep with lots of girls there and it's highly unlikely you'll just be able to pretend he hasn't. It's also not unlikely he could find someone on the same level. I know you may think you had some unreachable love and are possibly destined to be together, but you haven't tried moving on - just rebounding by dating other guys too soon, which is why you're comparing them to him.So much happens in one year that pausing it just isn't an option. He's already looking at other girls. You can revisit it in a year, if you want, but you shouldn't hold on to your feelings or hope for that long, as it's unlikely to work out once he's back - IF he comes back, let alone IF he comes back single.It's okay to have a little bit of hope, but don't hold on for a year and don't try dating when you're not over him, as it's dooming them and giving you the idea that he's the only one for you. He isn't.Take a break from dating. Don't talk to him every day. Distance yourself a bit, so you can actually move on, instead of pining for him.
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A
female
reader, isabellesmith +, writes (1 March 2018):
isabellesmith is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand both your points but my dilemma is whether I should see it as a “break” or actual break up. I’m not stupid I know he will have company out there at some point but I am certain he hasn’t up until this point if anything he’s window shopping and enjoying his freedom. I however have been with other people since him. All I have done is compared them to him. Another point to add is I was very very close to his family to the point that they always like my posts and me and his mum meet up often. We both know a relationship isn’t possible at this point. But I don’t know if blocking him is the best idea because if he comes back at Christmas what’s to say we couldnt be back together. I might be wrong but I don’t think he will find someone out there on the same level. And if he did he is coming back anyway? I am trying to move on and when we have texted recently it is amicable but I am not texting him like before, but I am not being bitter. Feelings are still very strongly there. What frustrates me is if the relationship felt so right and we had so much more planned to do together , why can’t it be on pause for a year and then when he comes back if we still feel the same just continue? The problem with that is if I have that false hope I won’t move on will I? I am focusing on myself and my studies and try not to think about him, but I wonder how he is getting on. He was my bestfriend and I lost both. I wish it was an argument that broke us up and not just the fact he moved. Would make it easier. All the arguments we have had sisnce we haven’t been together have all been emotionally fuelled and frustrating, but they have stopped now and I just wonder if I stop maintaining contact and block him there will never be a chance or certainly decrease the chances I’m comparosok to us speaking occasionally checking in. Also if one of us got serious with someone else then I feel that would be the right time to block eachother but we are not.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 March 2018):
1) Even if you weren't studying, a year is WAY too soon for a young adult to move to another country with a partner, let alone another continent. That would have been silly and ended in disaster, with you alone and no way of supporting yourself after the highly likely break up, so I'm glad you couldn't do it.
2) He wants to move on, but doesn't want you to because you're his back-up.
3) He's possessive, but is still interested in other girls.
OP, I get still wanting to be with him, but you can't, so let go. There is no chance he will not have been with other people by the time he comes back, IF he comes back. You need to move on and you can't if you keep having these issues with him.
I know it's hard, but he's not your person - he was your first serious relationship. Most of us think our current partner is "the one" until we break up and move on, or we wouldn't be with them. Unfortunately, we usually go through a few sad break ups with "the ones" before we actually find the permanent "one".
"Bob, I had a great year with you, but you're right - we need to move on. Take care and I hope you have a great time in Australia." Then block him and focus on your studies until you're over him. Don't follow him on social media, don't respond to any texts or answer any calls, etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2018): Just stop it. This is just becoming a teenage after-school drama with you two going back and forth, out of nothing more than jealousy and immaturity.
The reality is, you need to move on and stop with the social media battles that are childish and useless.
You need to suck it up and let go of your old puppy-love; and concentrate on your studies! Which should be your top-priority!
Lets get real here. It is very likely he is dating and already seeing other girls. He has "half-heartedly" or reluctantly tried to make you let go; to clear his conscience. He has been following girls online, you said yourself! The number is far too high for it only be for the reason of making you jealous! Trust me, it's for selfish reasons. You are free, so stop agonizing over this!
At the same time he's feeling jealous and possessive. That's not love, that's how you feel about something you own like property. Jealousy is the only reason you two can't get on with your lives.
It's time to go no-contact; so you can keep your mind focused on your studies.
He's a guy, and boys do not emotionalize like girls over relationships. They do get jealous over other guys messing with their "property!" This can go on forever! You may never get back together. He could be carrying on all this drama and have a new girlfriend at the same-time. Do you read DC regularly? If you did, you'd know guys can be jealous; and be dating (or even be married) and still be jealous of an ex!
Put an end to this. Block contact, delete messages. Ghost him on social media, date other guys, and grow-up!
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