A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so here is the issue, I have only been with my boyfriend since Jan. So not that long but we were pretty good friends for a year prior to starting a relationship...Thing is I knew in the beginning that he was separated from his wife, that she was in a diff state yada, yada, yada. When he asked me out I figured that ment he was moving on and was going to get on with the divorce and this that and the other...still no divorce though...It kinda bothers me that he hasn't started because I sometimes question if he is using me as a filler for time waiting to see if she changes her mind to come home.. so should I relax and give it a little longer to see if he files since we haven't been dating that long? or should I be ready to run as fast as I can? I don't want to waste my time on a relationship that is going to go nowhere because he is hanging on to his past, but I don't wanna rush it and ruin something that could be good as well since just about everything else in the relationship is good...HELP!?!?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2013): yeah I would be concerned too why he feels he is ready to date around yet not ready to get divorced. he's hedging his bets.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (9 July 2013):
 Exactly - no matter how old you are there is no point in wasting your time with someone who is likely to get back with his ex and is just using you as a temporary measure. Plus you have a child to think about - your child will form an attachment to your boyfriend and it is just not fair if he ups and leaves when you could have prevented it by talking to him.
Explain that it DOES change things with you now, because you cannot feel comfortable in the relationship until he starts divorce proceedings. Tell him you are not willing to be in a relationship with a married man and that you are not going to wait around for him to decide whether he wants a divorce or not. He either needs to start divorce proceedings, or you are leaving. Simple as that - when there are children involved it is not a good idea to put them at risk of forming a bond with someone that is still legally married to someone else, perhaps because he doesnt have kids he is not thinking about that but he is being selfish and not thinking about you and the child.
Dont allow him to carry on like this, it may well turn out to be one of those men that simply never divorce because they cant be bothered to go through the hassle, and then you will be the one to suffer because of it. I have a friend who is in her mid 30s and she's been with her boyfriend for years now, he still hasnt got divorced nor sold his house so his ex is living in their house still. So they argue all the time about why they cant afford to buy a house, why they cant get married etc.
You need to sort it out sooner rather than later before it gets worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you we have already talked about the future in genetal not so much saying its what we want from each other as just he knows he would like bb to get remarried someday and have kids of his own. I have never been marrird but I have a toddler...so I am undecided on kids more kids I am happy with just my one, but I know I would like to get married some day.I just feel like if he was truely over the relationship with her and they have been seperated a yr and a half he would have started working on it. They wrtr only married 2 yrs and no kids...so I have no clue on what he is cc waiting on. The one time I brought it up he got defensive saying it didn't change things with us...But I am young we have a pretty big age difference he is 37 I am about to be 23 I am making plans to go back to school in the fall so I am surely in no rush for anything more then dating...but on the same hand I don't want to waste my time in a relationship with a man not over his ex yet.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (9 July 2013):
If you had only been dating a couple of months I'd say dont bring it up and wait and see. However it is now approaching 6 months that you have been with him, ok not quite soon enough to be getting really serious but equally you are allowed to be thinking about the future after you have spent 6 months with someone.
Has he ever mentioned getting a divorce? All you can do is be honest with him, yes you risk scaring him off but surely it is worth the risk rather than spending another 6 months with him to find out he is getting back with his wife? I'd say something like this "I really like you and am so happy with the way things are going, however I do have one little concern that has been troubling me recently. You are still married and have not made any attempts to get a divorce, is this something that will happen in the near future or should I be worried?
Talking about him getting a divorce is going to make him think that you are starting to think about marriage (even if you are not, getting a divorce would mean he is free to marry again so it automatically implies this) and yes it might ruin things. You could try making it clear you dont want to get married any time soon, but equally you dont want a long term relationship with a married man.
Dont waste your time with married men - he needs to start thinking about this divorce in the next couple of months and if he still wont divorce her, then you have your answer - you are just the filler until she comes back to him.
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