A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I'm hoping I can reach out to you for some advice about a girl called Daisy (fake name for obvious reasons). I am 26, and Daisy is 27. We met becauseof my ex partner.In 2019 I came out of what I thought, was a stable relationship of 7 years. Fortunately we were living separately when we split so the initial "rip the band off" part of the breakup didn't really happen. The relationshop however ended slowly and painfully over the course of about 12 months. Daisy was not a cause of us breaking up but was one of many red flags that I failed to address or ignored throughout my relationship. I'll admit I have my flaws too. I am stubborn and quite insecure. I am trying to work on those things. The red flags I failed to address consisted of a number of things, at least 7 counts of emotional cheating, at least 1 count of physical cheating, gaslighting, lies, lazy/bad habits and general manipulation to try and condition me into someone I didn't want to be. He wouldn't stick up for me, had weird relationships and he also lacked empathy. Our relationship primarily ended because he chose not to be there while I was going through a scary autoimmune disease diagnosis and I realised I didn't want to be with him or be his friend. Needless to say he dragged out our breakup for as long as he could and jumped into bed with someone almost less than a day after our relationship ended.Daisy is my one of my exes ex girlfriends. they dated from 2007 to 2009 and remained close unconventional friends ever since. When we first met I was actually dating someone else, Daisy and my ex were living together, our friends confirmed he had feelings for her and he said he was planning to 'get with her'. We weren't dating at the time so I didn't care but he denies ever saying this. We don't speak to our friends anymore so I can't get them to vouch for this, it was 7 years ago after all.My ex always spoke very erratically about Daisy. One day she was the smartest most intelligent person in the world, other days he would state that they were friends by proxy and that she was terrible to him. Yet their friendship remained extremely close and she displayed behaviour that suggested she didn't like me or was jealous of me, je was very private about their exclusive friendship so I became anxious and confused and I'm sure from time to time, that behaviour showed. Our friends at the time also didn't approve of the situation. This continued for about 5 years of our relationship until they eventually drifted apart just by generally growing up and moving away. I don't speak to my ex anymore but I expect they still talk from time to timeDaisy and I had a lot in common, and there were times over the course of my 7 year relationship where she was also very kind to me. I understand that she is my exes friend (or whatever she was), not mine, so I couldn't expect friendship from her. However at the time I couldn't comprehend how someone so similar to me couldn't like me. Over time we became kinder to each other, would give each other gifts and occasionally send each other messages. She sent me a very kind heartfelt message when my cat died. I eventually became more comfortable around her before my relationship ended. Since then, I made new social media and I sent her a friend request which she ignored. I know I am just her friend/exes ex and I felt that I didn't owe her anything either. I haven't spoken to her for a year now, and have been no contact with my ex since November. I never intend to speak to him again for the way he treated me.However it's recently come to light that she's possibly been dealing with some really traumatic things in the past 2/3 years that she's kept to herself. I recently read an article about a boyfriend of hers who has been charged with some terrible things, things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and although her identity has been hidden for her protection I'm 90% confident its about her. The compassionate person in me wants to reach out to her and confidentially let her know that if those things are about her, that I'm really sorry to hear that she went through that and to give her my best wishes. I have no intention of befriending her or trying to as shes still loyally my exes friend, but I don't know if this is inappropriate for me to do or not.What do you think? Any advice is appreciated!
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ex girlfriend, insecure, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2020): You sent her a friend request which she ignored. That is a pretty clear sign that she is not interested in you. You two shared an ex that is all. Leave the past in the past and mom with your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2020): Kindness has no strings attached and requires no obligation from the recipient.
This lady runs hot and cold, and you're better-off leaving her alone.
If you're not 100% sure she is the victim of the person you read about in the article; you cannot be certain that you're sympathies are going to the right person for the reason you think. It might not be wise to mention anything about what you've heard through the grapevine. She may not be a friend, but you may create an enemy! She'll wonder what you've heard, and why you're contacting her out of the blue? That could raise ire and suspicion, if she's not in the mood.
If you express your heartfelt empathy for her misfortune, and she's doing just fine; she'll wonder what the hell are you're talking about! Otherwise, she might be totally humiliated; if she has gone out of way to make sure you and others didn't know the dirty-details of her personal-life.
Considering she's not really a friend, it still doesn't hurt to send someone a note hoping they're in good-spirits in spite of Covid-19; and whatever is going-on with her, you wish her well.
She doesn't have to accept your friend-request to receive your best-regards. Sometimes something nice out of the blue will make a person's day; even if you may never get a thank-you or a response. It's the thought and kindness behind it that matters. We live in a apathetic non-filtered world that often expresses anger easier than a kind-word. Don't get all sappy all over her, but a short note is more than enough. If no response, don't bother her anymore. Silence is sometimes a nice way of telling you to get lost.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (23 April 2020):
 What’s the point? She ignored your friend request so she’s not interested in speaking.
Move on with your life.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (23 April 2020):
 To be perfectly honest i would leave the past in the past and get on with your life.
I know you feel like you want to reach out as she has been through a tough time lately, but i would refrain from doing so if it were me.
She was one of his friends, not yours, and by your own admission you say that you and her could never share a friendship between yourselves.
Leave anything to do with her, your ex in the past and get on with your life looking forward and not back.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 April 2020):
 Well, OP
Here is what I see, you blame everything bad on this ex, who seems like a total horrible BF, but you CHOSE to stay for 7 years, TAKE some responsibility too. You made a pis spoor choice in BF. And another when you didn't dump him the FIRST time he cheated on you.
The reason I say this, is you will carry this stuff around like a "victim" of a bad relationship and it will ruin any further budding relationship you will have.
The SOONER you own up to YOUR bad choices and mistakes, the sooner you can forgive yourself and let the past be the past.
I know that is not what you wrote in for fut I think it's more important. Take it as you like.
As for Daisy. She hasn't responded to your friend's request, so I think it's simple and clear to say she isn't interested in further contact. I don't think she (or most people) would appreciate being associated with that criminal BF of hers. She might want to forget ALL about ever having dated him. She might NOT want to talk to someone who really don't know her or him (aside from the article).
You state that you have no intention of befriending her, so what are your intentions? To soothe your own curiosity and make YOU feel better by sending her a "there there" over the internet?
If I were you I'd probably leave this woman be.
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