A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Ever since myself and my partner had our baby boy (10 months ago) our relationship hasn't been the same. Many people told us to make sure we still went on date nights, still made time for each other and not to let go of our relationship but in all honesty that is what has happened. We haven't been intimate for over a year, we haven't been on a date night since our son arrived and the relationship is non-existent. I feel like I'm living with a friend and not my boyfriend. For my first mothers day all I got was a card, now I'm not ungrateful at all but I was expecting a little bit of effort? For his birthday in November I got him a few thoughtful gifts that was off our son. Maybe my expectations are too big? I don't know. My partner has a bit of a short fuse, so when he loses his temper it really frustrates me as our son is witnessing it. (I know he doesn't understand at the minute but he can still pick up on negativity and I'm worried by son is going to pick this up. I'm trying to be calm, teach him lots of new things and how to deal with his emotions but I feel like myself and my partner are working against each other as all my partner does when he looks after him is either play fight (which I know is the father's job) or sit and watch him plat with toys. Recently, I've been wondering whether I want to be with him anymore. I'm trying to communicate with him to save our relationship but he seems to have changed and has no drive or get up and go. We have had more arguments since our son was born than the six years we have been together, which is very sad. And most of the arguments result in my partner telling me to leave, which worries me. If it came down to it and we did separate I would have no where to go. My parents aren't around anymore, so I couldn't rely on them to take me in. It's just a very difficult situation and it worries me whenever I think about it. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm sure I'm not the only person to go through this sort of situation. Thank you in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2020): Oh dear. Harshly old fashioned views from someone whose true loves in life would have been forbidden by those same old fashioned views. It’s always odd to see someone speak on the importance of traditional relationships when they aren’t in one.Time to make a decision OP. You are both very young and thrown into parenthood when there was no security. As awfully pessimistic as the harsh opinion is, the small portion of fact in there is that there’s no stability in having a child before marriage unless that is by design like single parent donor or adoption set ups.I concur with calling CAB for advice and Honeypie’s point about talking to your boyfriend about his immaturity, as it’s to be expected at your age but he’s a father now and needs to act like it. I was immature at his age but I grew up when my kid came along and he needs to as well. I needed a reality check and I’m not with my kid’s mum now but we’re in it 100% to raise our boy and have both got long term partners who love him too and it’s what works for us but I needed to grow up first. He doesn’t have his parents in the same house but loads of kids don’t and they do well because they are loved and provided for. Role models of any sex don’t have to be bio and my best role model was one of my college tutors.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2020): True fathers are rare these days. Many don't live with their children; and it seems most don't teach their children anything. Daughters need male role-models too! All they learn comes from a hardworking struggling-mother; who loves them with all her heart, but she can't be a man. Obviously, everybody with a penis can't be one either!!! Now let me proceed to preach! Not just to you, it all may not apply to you; but it's the wisdom of life that dad's should be passing on.
We at DC receive this sad narrative all too often. Unmarried-people, living together, starting families, combining their financial-resources; and even cosigning on debt, as if they were married. Then suddenly a kid comes into the world; and the father behaves as if he's being held hostage. It's even more complicated, after a third or forth child; he's ready to bail-out, and leave his kids behind with their single-mother. Some of these knuckle-headed deadbeats have the nerve to find another woman; and start propagating allover again! Leaving his spawn scattered all over the place! Having two or three baby-mamas! It's disgusting!!!
Faux-marriages are the modern-way. You don't get married, you just do what married people do. If a man can commit to you 3-6 years, I would wonder why he won't commit by marriage? If he loves you enough to make babies, why not marry you? Why not be your husband, and the father of his children??? Why bring children into an environment where either parent can just decide "well, I'm done with this relationship; I guess I'll just move-on!" What-the???
Unfortunately, you don't have spousal-rights; and sometimes getting child-support from a guy on the run, or unemployed, becomes a big challenge. They don't even seem to care about their kids. I'm not making this up! Those that do, want to see their kids; but want nothing to do with the person they've abandoned, and left to love and care for them in his absence. Treating her like she's nothing. Then he doesn't understand the reason for the baby-mama drama?!! It comes from the pain associated with frustration and abandonment! She thought the kid would be the tie that binds; but instead, the child becomes her pawn. Hurt him by snatching-away his children. Whom are you really hurting? The kids love their fathers too!
The usual problem is that the financial-burden gets too heavy, and many of these sperm-donors/man-babies were never ready to be fathers. They never proposed, because he never really wanted to give up his freedom. If he married you, he's scared you'd try to take half his stuff and his assets, if he screwed-up! Yet he prefers sex without condoms; because he thinks it feels better. Hello!!! What about the possibility of pregnancy? For some, it's just this macho-thing; he just wanted to make a baby, just to see if he could. Loves the baby, by the time baby becomes a toddler, the novelty has worn-off! Expenses increase! She was hoping if she couldn't get him to exchange vows; maybe a child will bond them together as well as a marriage. Proof of how so many women do not know how men think! You cannot get a husband through manipulation; he has to be willing to commit and be a man. If he wants kids, let him show you he loves you enough to be your husband first. That means he really loves you!
Well, I'm afraid the reality is, if he doesn't ask you to marry him; he doesn't want to commit indefinitely. He saves himself an exit for a future escape. If things go south, if he gets bored with the sex; or when you've pushed-out one too many kids. Some of these guys want to be able to leave you at a moment's notice. Some wait ten years, and when you're too fat and messy for him; he's ready for the trade-in. What do you do when he's the only man you've ever known, and you're a single-mom pushing 40! Think about it, girlfriends! At least a wife will get the house, the car, child-support, alimony, and half the assets. The lady's got rights!
Well ladies, these are the facts that you better consider when you decide to move-in. If you really don't want to be some guy's perpetual forever-girlfriend, but you really want marriage and a family. Think before you jump-in with both feet! Kids deserve both a mother and father; and they should be committed, and under the same roof. That's the natural-order of humankind. If you stray from it, you better have your ducks in a row. Be prepared, in-case you become both the mom and dad, and the bread-winner!
If you want to know how to tell when he's getting itchy-feet, or has had enough. He'll turn to porn, or start cheating. He will become such a nuisance, so cold, so obnoxious, and so distant; you won't be able to stand the sight of him. He hopes you'll kick him out! Guess who's left raising kids all by herself? Guess who will have more trouble getting dates? Single-moms have to put their kids first; so they can't just go out and party or hangout, unless there's an available sitter. Your baby is your heart; so it can't just be anybody, it has to be someone trustworthy, reliable, and affordable! He's too busy with a new girlfriend, and he doesn't worry much about a sitter. He left that up to you! You have to be very careful on what you decide to do after moving-in together. Men and women expect different things out of it.
Many of you may hate my long-winded opinion about it, but few have proven what I'm saying to be untrue.
OP, maybe he is unhappy living a domesticated-life. You're both too young for all this. He is not ready for fatherhood; and probably misses being able to come and go as he pleases. He is tired of the relationship, and probably feels he's tied-down; when he'd rather be single. He didn't ask you to marry him; therefore, he doesn't deserve the wonderful blessing of a healthy beautiful son. A precious gift many would give anything to have. If he has become emotionally-unavailable, and he seems somewhat of a blase nonchalant-dad, who only knows how to show his son how to be aggressive. You've seen the writing on the wall. He has the audacity to tell you to leave??? He's a selfish man-boy!!! Obviously, he's ready to give-up on the relationship. He's done.
Of course, this is all my own theory; and perhaps a very harsh assessment; but show me otherwise, and I'll change my opinion.
Sweetheart, you make sure that you get the legal wheels turning to get child-support. The baby is too young for you to work; but sooner or later, you'll have to go to work. In the span of six years, you've centered your entire life around him. He was your universe. You're under 25, but you say your parents "are not around." Does that mean they're both deceased, estranged, or you left everything too far behind to be with him? You are totally at his mercy. That only happens when young-women cut-ties with all their known-relatives; while he methodically isolates them from everybody. He alienates her from anybody that can challenge his control. That even includes having friends! These kind of guys never like your friends; or he'll flirt with them to make you jealous, and force you to disassociate with them. I know this all sounds familiar to some of you ladies reading this!
You may have to depend on social services for financial-assistance, and/or to help you find a place to live. You have no spousal-rights; so you can't seek alimony or court-ordered financial-support, other than for the child. Don't feel hopeless, you'll be okay. You have to contact social services to determine what kind of help you can get; and you need to stop pretending you're the only one left of your kind. You have a relative out there somewhere; and you best make it your business to connect with somebody who can throw you a lifeline. If you are estranged from siblings and family, and it was all over this guy; slowly but surely, rebuild the bridges you've burned behind you. There is always someone left with a soft-spot in their heart for you. I know you can't easily return to a dysfunctional-family, or if you ran-away from sexual-molestation and abuse. I'm not stupid or naive. There is somebody out there, blood-related, who can at least advise you what to do. You can't isolate yourself from the world.
God bless and be with you and your beautiful son. He will guide you, and make a way. It seems you're at this guy's mercy for now; but what you see now isn't how things will turnout in the end. Your survival-instincts will kick-in, and you will figure this out. Sometimes new-dads get overwhelmed, overworked, and scared. Sometimes, they are just not cut-out for fatherhood, and that's not your fault. Some guys harbor serious resentment when suddenly you spring it on him that you're pregnant. Babies are not accidents. Planned or unplanned, they deserve at least one strong loving parent who would do anything for them. Maybe that will be only you for now, sweetheart.
Beyond equal-pay for equal work, beyond opportunity to rise to leadership; I believe women who want families and husbands deserve men willing to step-up to the plate to be husbands and fathers. A man shouldn't spill his seed, unless he commits to the woman and the child; to take her as his wife, and become a family. That's old-fashion, and it's just me. Is the modern-way working for you? Hows your experiment of living-together working-out?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 April 2020):
 Sounds like the novelty has worn off for your BF and for you.
Did you two plan to have a kid? To no be married first?
Now I get that you had been together for 4 1/2 (Ish) years when you got pregnant, but yes, life and relationship DO change when you have a child. It's kind of the norm. Some roll with it and take up the challenge that being a parent is, and some, are just not mature or interested enough - and I think YOU fall in the first category and your BF in the last category.
So what do you do?
First, you talk to your BF, see where he is at. Does he WANT to make this work or has he already given up. Because there is not much point in your bending over backwards trying to fix it, if he isn't into that too.
If he isn't, you make an exit plan. That means YOU need to find a place to live, how to get a job, benefits, child maintenance etc. Make sure you have ALL important documents in a safe place. Birth certificates (you and your son's) passports, educational documents, that you have your OWN bank account (if you share now) etc.
If the place is his, well he honestly can't just toss you out. Which gives a you a little time to get sorted.
I absolutely agree that living with someone who loses his temper and throw tantrums is NOT good for a child, doesn't matter their age.
I also "guess" is that your BF doesn't KNOW how to be a dad. Rough housing with a 10 month old is not a "bad" thing but... they need more and BETTER stimuli than that. And the chance is that something can go "wrong" and a 10 month old is a bit more fragile than some people expect. So I think, it's also about immaturity.
YOU matured (which you may not have noticed) and is trying to live up to your new responsibilities he isn't because he hasn't gotten a clue.
It's like people getting a puppy and then being pissed off that they have to take the little thing out every 2-3 hours or they pee inside. That they NEED to be walked daily and FED daily. That you need to train them. Etc.
If you DO plan on helping your BF, maybe look for some "daddy and me" kind of books - educational books for MEN on how to help raise a child. I hope some of our MALE "uncles" can give you some good titles of books. So you can look for them online.
Lastly, I think the lack of intimacy might be because HE doesn't want another child. If your son was a unplanned one, he wants to make 100% sure there isn't another child any time soon, which... I think it smart for both of you. That LAST thing you need is another baby when things aren't working.
Talk to him, he is your partner. And do it when he seems to be in a good mood and the baby is having a nap.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (23 April 2020):
 I’m sorry, OP. It’s a really tough spot to be in. Unfortunately, because you’re not married, he has little legal responsibility to help support you in a break up, other than child support.
I think you need to consider saving up to move out. Easier said than done, but if you’re trying and he’s not, as well as telling you to leave, he’s not a very nice boyfriend. I’m hoping he’s better with your son than he is with you, as your son will be affected?
Call Citizens Advice Bureau for suggestions :)
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