A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently ended a relationship that lasted 3.5 years and was very chaotic (lots or arguing and communication issues) That happened about 2 months ago. Since then I've been on an emotional roller coaster, sometimes feeling great and thinking I'm fine and other times missing him terribly. I know I have a tendency to stay too long in situations that are not working for me because I'm used to getting through pretty much everything due some that happened in my childhood. The feeling I'm having right now is that I don't have closure. I feel like our last interaction ended really bad and we never got the chance to really talk about us seriously and maybe come to an agreement that it's not working and therefore we should end it. We had a fight, he was mean, I got upset and ended it. I also saw this week that he created a profile on a dating site ( I was on it with a blank profile just because I wanted to see the type of people on these sites). I was annoyed by it because he never had time for me and now he does for someone else. I'm also annoyed by the thought of him being with someone else.So the question is: do you think that I should reach out to him to talk one last time and get everything on the table. No matter what the outcome is, I think it would help me move on. And I feel like we owe it to ourselves to have maybe one final discussion? What do you think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2015): I'll keep this short and to the point. To me it seems you really don't want to let go and you're looking for excuses to see him while blocking reality. Forget hm. It does get better.
A
female
reader, missy_25 +, writes (20 April 2015):
I understand what you mean and feel. My advice to you is give yourself time to let all these that happened in your relationship with your ex sink in for a few more. DON'T get in touch with him just yet because the emotions are still so fresh and volatile. What closure you need might only make things worst when you see him again, especially with the fact that you feel jealous with him dating etc. You need to be level-headed and your emotions in check when you see him again. Accept yours and his shortcomings and how your relationship ended that way because of it. Once you do, once you have accepted that it would never have worked out no matter what, and you just want to let the past go - you are then ready to have a "closure" or "goodbye" and move on. Make a commitment to live separate lives or just be friends (if that is an option). When that day happens, ask every question that you have (but don't be defensive) so there won't be any lingering doubts and you can honestly close that chapter of your life.Hanging on to the past will only keep you from having the opportunity to be happy. But take your time to heal, it's different with every person. Be sad when you are. But fight to be happy again. Distract yourself with things you enjoy. Soon you will want to feel good about yourself. If you can't, surround yourself with positive company. Pray for strength. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (20 April 2015):
 I don't see any difference between a breakup punctuated by anger vs a breakup punctuated by mutual agreement to go separate ways. In fact, the anger one has more confirmation that the break up is the correct action. In the end, what is there for you to gain that you and him agree to break up when you've already have done that. You even say he was bad news for you and that you stuck around too long with him. He went on your nerves while together so don't snoop on him - don't allow him to go on your nerves in his absence.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 April 2015):
 It's not closure you need, but acceptance, OP. Even if you both said whatever it is you think has been unsaid and he decides he's still had enough (which he probably will), you're still going to be sad.
I think reaching out to him again might seem more like stalking or harassment to him. You're both still too close to the situation for either of you to be really objective.
Let it be.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 April 2015):
 I think closure, in the way you describe it is unnecessary. YOU already know it wasn't working and while you MIGHT have been able to HANG on a while longer, it still wasn't working.
Sitting down and AGREEING is pointless. There is NO point to try and re-hash the past.
All you CAN really do is look at and examine YOUR own actions and behavior during the relationship and make "adjustments" for the NEXT one so you don't end up in another dead-end relationship.
I think for MANY people it's HARD to see an ex move on, but reality is... most people DO NOT want to be alone. And JUST because YOU two didn't work doesn't mean he (and you) won't work with someone else in the future.
Honestly, I think what you are suggesting is akin to flogging a dead horse. Talking won't change a thing, won't make the break up less painful.
Now IF you want to END the contact with this ex on a good note, so to speak, then maybe reach out. If he is interested in having a "well we sucked at this relationship" chat the go for it, just don't "hope" that the talking will fix you two as a couple.
But this is me. I don't believe in "closure" there will ALWAYS be something about a past relationship that bugs you and stays with you. For me it's about the here and now and the future, not the past.
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