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female
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*HAT2DO
writes: I want to know what others ppl's opinions are on flirting.I am a bit of a flirt and enjoy it, I have always been this way and always thought it was harmless unless you acted upon it.I play an online game with a male friend that my partner doesnt really like, he reckons that this friend loves attention from women and tries to chat them up etc.Although this guy is a big flirt with women ( and me also ) and has said flirty stuff to me before while playing the game but it is all said as far as we both are concerned with tongue firmly in the cheek and we laugh about how women seem to chase him and then get upset when he pays attention to another woman, he usually tells me Im on the top of his list etc but he isnt really serious and unlike other women I dont take what he says seriously or think that I'm in love with him etc.He is in America so I dont get to talk to him all that much however when I do feel like playing the online game a lot of the time is there playing so instead of playing in a room full of strangers I prefer to play with my friend.Every time I play my game and my friend is there my partner gets upset about it, he states that its not that he doesnt trust me but that its just that he thinks my friend is a sleaze and doesnt like how me writes flirty stuff to me and calls me hun and babe etc.I really enjoy my friends company as we have a good laugh and I generally take the piss out of him mostly about all the women chasing him and him getting a big head about it LOL so I didnt think I was doing anything wrong.Anyway do you think I should just stop playing my online game and cut off contact completely with my friend simply because my partner is jealous???I dont know what to do as I really enjoy my friends company and its relaxing after a long day at work and our toddler is in bed but it seems that my relationship may be getting damaged by it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2005): I think it is really unfair of you to even ask if it is ok to flirt with others, especially if it upsets your partner. Now he has openly discussed that it is upsetting to him if you continue to do it you are showing you have little or no respect for his feelings. This could lead to an array of future problem such as resentment and your partner closing open communication with you. Do you value your partner? Cut your losses and spend more time with your partner and lose the net friend.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2005): Having read the comments above, I'd like to put a different slant to things.
Clearly, the person involved is "flirting" with the online friend. I think it is important to understand the motive for this.
What reasons does this person have for flirting?
1. To have fun? This was expressed a number of times.
2. To develop emotional closeness? This is apparent through the person seeking the online friend and favouring him.
3. To feel good about herself? This is also apparent.
4. Other reasons..There could be a number of other reasons.
None of the reasons above to me are harmful in themself. But only if the two people are involved (the woman and her online friend).
However, the partner does not feel comfortable about the situation. Is this because he does not understand what is happening? How does he feel about his partner flirting with someone else? Does he realise that it is only for the reasons above or some other reason that does not conflict with the relationship between him and his partner?
Obviously the partner is feeling neglected and unhappy about the situation which has sparked the woman to reconsider whether to continue to discourse with her friend.
I think both people need to discuss the situation. The decision to continue should not be made alone. The person going online should reassure their partner that their flirting is not serious. Whether the online chats are discontinued will be up to the people involved. My opinion is yes that it is simple to stop completely, however the issue would not have been addressed. And continuing to discourse online with the friend without discussing it with the partner is not an alternative either.
The question is really "Can one in a relationship flirt with other people?" I am personally not very flirtatious but to be fair I can understand why someone would be. If they love and care for their partner this can be curtailed to a certain extent. However, there should be compromise both ways if possible. If the partner can understand the need to flirt or even the want to flirt, that it is for fun, or to develop a relationship that is non-threatening to the current one then I don't see why it could be such a problem. Flirting in itself is not a problem if both parties feel secure about the relationship. I am uncertain whether the partner feels this way. Perhaps this should be clarified.
Having said that if one is entertaining thoughts of attraction with the online partner that is greater than with that of the partner then that is an issue in itself. The flirting is merely a means to enhance this attraction. The writer has expressed that they are not attracted in this way.
To summarise, I think the woman / writer should think about her motives for talking online with her friend.
These should be discussed with her partner. Both their feelings and needs must be acknowledged and they should try to discuss and find a solution that is agreeable to both if possible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2005): Why hurt the one you love?
I don't understand some people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2005): If you don't stop this behaviour I can see him finding someone who treats him with more respect. You are taking your husband for granted. Stop it now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2005): It appears you are looking outside your relationship for male attention. Try spicing up your relationship. Write him a flirty note or do something really daring.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2005): How many net affairs begin with "we are just friends"?
Your self described behavior is sexual role playing. You are getting off on the attention. You mustn't think very much of your husband. You are treating him like a chump.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2005): Irish49 provided the best advice of the page.
Two things come to mind. "Having your cake and eating it too" and "You don't know what you have until it is gone".
Reading between the lines (and some very obvious phrasing) it appears to me that you have asked this question looking for reassurance that you aren't doing anything wrong and no matter what advice is given you, your mind is already made up. If you take time to think about what your actions and your partners reaction you will plainly see why they have an issue with this scenario. Without meaning to offend, you do sound very young. Maybe you are just missing the finer nuances of creating and maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner. Work on it. Spend your time and energy in the correct place.
Communication is key in any relationship. Listen. If you dismiss your partners qualms you are inadvertently telling them that an online game and another man is more important than them and that their point of view means nothing and you will do as you please even if it is detrimental to the stability of your relationship. Selfishness has no place in any team.
Best of luck.
Glenda
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2005): It sounds like you still think you are single. No wonder he is upset.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2005): I think you need to weigh up which is more important. Your relationship or your Internet pal? Relationships are about sacrifice from time to time.
It sounds to me you are showing him great disrespect on a number of fronts, no wonder he is upset. Firstly by flirting with any other men (period) and secondly for even having to ask this question. Flirting should be kept for your partner and your partner alone. Do you flirt with your partner? It is what keeps the spark in your relationship. Relationships need constant work for them to be worthwhile and not listening to your partners worries is really a bad path to choose. It really has nothing to do with his trust in you or jealousy, but more the respect issue.
If your partner is upset by you flirting with another man online enough to speak up about it you should stop it before it DOES destroy his trust in you.
Do you spend enough quality time with your partner? Do you give him regular assurance of his place in your life and that your heart is his alone?
If my partner flirted with other women online I too would be concerned, doubly so if his energy was spent on someone else before me, triply so if he didn't flirt with me in the same way. Use more time and energy on your relationship and you will wonder why you even thought flirting, harmlessly or not, with another man is ok.
JC
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2005): Your partner is jealous but with good reason. His feelings of jealousy stem from his sense that something about your marriage is not secure. His lack of security is very well founded-because of your behaviours online with this other guy. Is it okay to be bothered by that? Of course it is.
Being infatuated and flirting with this online guy is affecting the time & energy you normally would put into your marriage and of course, that is causing stress on your marriage and husband. So why are you doing this?
Selfishness, lack of respect and committment, perhaps.
Generally people who flirt, obviously like or need attention from the opposite sex. Flirting can also be a way that men and women gain power in a given situation. Flirting can signal availability with single people or lack of self-control with attached people. I will be frank with you, I feel that married couples, have a commitment that precludes opposite-sex attention-getting maneuvers. A person who flirts with others than his/her partner, shows extreme lack of control and densible judgment, not to mention the emotional pain caused on the very person they love. Try flirting with hubby instead-renew your sense of committment to him. I think you may be taking him a bit for granted and he's pissed. Just some things to think about. If you value your marriage and husband, you would quit.
Hugs, Irish
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2005): Heellllooo??? It is called respect, ever heard of it? You are sick and twisted.
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (25 October 2005):
 Possibly your relationship is suffering because, quite simply, you should be relaxing with your partner after a long day at work as opposed to playing an online game with a 'friend'.
Your partner is possibly jealous not just because your friend is flirting with you but because he has your attention. How about turning your attention to the more rightful owner of it? Namely, your partner.
I think it is okay to have friends, of course, but not when it could mean neglecting a loved one or even when it hurts them. Consider how you would feel if he had an online friend who was female and often flirting with him. Perhaps you would be okay about this and feel perfectly secure but unfortunately not everyone is like that.
Flirting again is okay providing both partners are fine about it. If you are constantly telling your partner how much you love him and care about him, that will help him to realise that though you may be an irrepressible flirt, your heart belongs to him.
Reassure your partner, let him know how you feel about him, spend time with him relaxing, quality time, flirt with him and then decide together whether it would be a good idea to stop the online flirting and chatting.
Good luck.
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reader, Angel-lee +, writes (25 October 2005):
If you care about your partner and he has told you that it upsets him then stop doing it. You just said yourself that its only a bit of fun so why ruin your relationship over it and risk upsetting your partner.
If you care about your partner enough, you should know the answer already
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