A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:2 months ago I broke up with my then boyfriend of 2 years. I broke up with him because I thought he'd be better off with a girlfriend that didn't live 200+ miles away from him, and a girlfriend that he didn't have to leave his family to be with.The 2 months were horrible, I missed him more than I thought and I still loved him, so last week I got back in touch with him and after a bit of talking I told him that I wanted to be more than friends again.He's not yet sure if he wants to try again. He says he's not sure if he can overwrite 2 months of trying to get over me to get back to a place where we can be in a relationship.I've never been in this situation before, so I'm having trouble sorting out my thoughts and figuring out what to do. At the moment we just spend some time each day online playing games or talking.Should I push for him to decide how he really feels? Should I tell him my feelings alot(that I love him)? Should I push for us to meet in person?How long should I give him to make this decision?Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2014): Hi,I am kinda involved in a LDR myself (my 1st time) and it is quite new to me. The girl I am with will every now and then tell me I am better off finding someone local and that it is better for me. What she don't understand stand is that, I like her a lot and it hurts me when she says things like that. With that said, there was a few times where she broke up with me and we made up again. Everytime she breaks up with me my heart tears a little and it hurts more and more each time. I did meet her in person as well. Still things are shaky SIGH!Since you have already broken up with him for 2 months, I can understand why he will be afraid to start things over with you again. I honestly won't push him for a decision. I will suggest you tell him how you really feel about him. I also will recommend that you meet him in person again to see if there are still any sparks left.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (31 March 2014):
 First off, like the others have said breaking up with him for your sake, because you couldn't handle the distance would have been a perfectly valid reason and it would have been honest. Claiming to do it for him is sounds like a cop out and even if it were true, it's not your call to make. What would be different a second time around? If neither one of you has concrete plans to relocate then there really isn't any point in an online relationship, unless you prefer the safety of distance. If you could have and would have moved to be with him, why handn't you done it already? For that matter why is it okay for you to be separated from your friends and family, but not for him to be separated from his? When the novelty wears off, loneliness and isolation set in, or do you not have close friends or family?Definitely do NOT press him for anything, but don't keep your life on hold waiting for him to decide. You're single, but I don't recommend you run out and start dating yet. What you could do to take the pressure off is leave it at friends and if he wants something more, he can let you know in his own good time. If by then you've moved on, so be it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (31 March 2014):
 Ah your follow up comes through after I post... ugh
so you have met..
Cerberus is right the whole "you deserve better" break up line is BS.
if you are willing to move to be with him, then tell him that and make it so if he wants it... if not... move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2014): It's a bit too tough to answer all your questions but the one thing you shouldn't do is push him to decide how he really feels.
OP with all due respect the reasons you broke up are nasty. No offence but the "I'm doing it so you can have a better life" line kind of makes you an untrustworthy dick. That was never your choice to make and a completely unfair excuse to use after two years or being fine with that situation.
The last thing you should do is push him to decide how he feels because he no doubt still loves you but he can't trust you whatsoever because you didn't even give him a real reason for dumping him and if that is your real reason then he can't ever trust you again. Who knows when the next time you'll suddenly feel he's better off without you and just dump him again? You took unilateral action without even consulting him, you made his decision for him and one he probably wouldn't have made.
Now you're talking about pushing things? Pushing him to make a decision, pushing to meet, for someone who claims they broke up in his best interest you're certainly making this all about what you want.
You need to find a way of atoning for your bullshit break up by either telling the truth of why you broke up or learning that you can't make decisions "for the better" for people without their consent.
OP I've never believed that "you're better off" line. Because it's never true. It's just a line like "it's not; it's me".
This isn't about him being confused about his feelings, this isn't a matter that can be fixed with you pushing for anything. There's a big fat stinking elephant in the room in the way you broke up and without complete honesty he can never trust you again. OP how do you expect a guy to trust you when you break up for that "reason"? That's what you need to figure out. Because I wouldn't get back with you, you either lied to me or you forced me accept a decision you think is best for me without taking my feelings into account at all.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 March 2014):
If, after two years of a “pretend” relationship LDR you have not met, I doubt there is much hope of this working out.
LDRs are hard but they can work. They require a few things. IF you are 200+ miles apart that means you could drive (a four hour car trip) or fly or take the train. Why is it that after 2 years you two have NOT met yet? That alone is a big red flag that this is not a viable relationship.
My belief is, if you meet online and want to have a romantic relationship that it needs to be consumed by meeting IRL within 3 months. IF you can’t afford to travel to meet each other you can’t afford to have an LDR. They require serious money. When my now husband and I were dating LDR and were 100 miles apart, I would drive up to see him every weekend. (two hours in the car is nothing around here). Between gas and tolls that cost nearly 100 dollars round trip. EVERY WEEK. Now we were lucky in that 2 hours for us was doable. IF you are say 4 hours apart you still should be getting together at least once a month.
WHY have you two NOT met in person after two years?
You say you love him but you have never met him… so what you love is the idea of him. You may find once you are together that there is nothing there.
I suggest you two either plan to meet and make a decision or you let it go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust thought I should add:-
I have met him before, we lived together for 1 and a half years (last year of uni and the summer before), we moved back to our respective homes at the end of uni.
I can and would move to be with him if he is willing for us to have another go.
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