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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I need an opinion and an advice, it's a bit long but I would really appreciate your help!First of all some details: I'm in a long relationship, we are about 6 years together (from age about 20), I love her but not sure how much she loves me today, we had our ups and downs (many downs) I think that we are not compatible enough with eachother, every time she can find something that's not okay with me, if it's something i'm not doing or doing wrong, or now something in my personality.. can't seem to satisfy her. Also I think she doesn't REALLY know what she wants but that's another story.First, the opinion I need is about her last complaint, she say that I'm cheap, but I'm not sure if I can be labled as one exactly.. I havn't really talked with anyone about this so I really want to hear others opinion about it:When we just started going out I brought her a present each month and a BIG present on her birthday, but that stopped after more than a year, why? because I always felt she wasn't really excited about the presents and if it was a present that she didn't really want\love (i did some mistakes) she would not appreciate it much and would just be dissapointed or so, it didnt't made me feel good.. and also even if I did got a good present I didn't feel she's appreciating it much.Later on she started all of a sudden say that she likes flowers! so i tried giving her flowers sometimes (like valentines or so) but she didn't like that flowers.. she always wanted specific kind, so it took me time but at last I nailed it (and it was not cheap!), either way - she was happy that day, but she didn't seem to care about the flowers much, she even left them on the table without any water! her mother later put it in a vase on the dining table and it stayed there for some days untill it died. About the same thing happened the next times I brought her a similar flowers bouquet, so I still feel she doesn't appreciate it much or so but she does look happy the moment I bring it to her, so it's like this momentarily thing.Now for what's really going on in our relationship, I can be frugal, well, we are both students, I work half-time and she doesn't work at all, also she doesn't have any money saved for regular use or so (she's not "good" with money) so most of the time I pay for her, when we go out for a movie (and we go at least once or twice a month, tickets here not cheap either) I always pay for us plus buying popcorn etc', when we go for a coffe\pub\restaurant I buy her drink\food, enterance for a club too, she helps sometimes with some change she has but that's pretty rare. She says she would help with the payments and would also buy me stuff if she was working and had the money, I'm not so sure about that but I can't prove it anyway, she hasn't been working for years and just been studying.In addition to these expenses, I'm buying her small stuff she wants from time to time, if we're driving and she wants something to eat, if we're at a shop and she sees something she likes etc' What am I not doing enough for her complaint is not buying enough flowers and generally being cheap when she wants stuff, that's true, sometimes she asks me to buy her stuff and I'm not always happy to do it, I want to save money for the future and mostly if it's not something I think that's worth it I'm not gonna be quick about opening my wallet.. I bought her a ring and earings for our anniversary not long ago, and she expects me to buy her something "not cheap" each anniversary, plus something nice on valentines plus something big on birthdays plus flowers from time to time (like a bouquet a month or two and on valentines etc') plus all the other "usual" expenses that I feel she doesn't appreciate. In a fast calcualtion - I pay hundreds of dollars a year for her. She doesn't see it that way and still say I'm cheap.Is it normal? how much are you expecting your boyfriends to spend on you?Now for the advice I need, we have again (happend a few times) got to a point where she's mad at me and want to break up,I know I can change her mind if I get her an expensive hair dye she wants plus buy something I promised her but have yet to get (that one I understand and okay with buying), also flowers would help too.The problem is that I think we really are not compatible enough in some areas, the last times I did what she wanted to "win her back" and maybe she hopes it would happen again, I'm not sure, but I think it might be enough this time.. I know I can find someone else that we will get along better but it's still really hard for me to let go completely, I still love her (even if not like I did at the start of the relationship) and I still care for her.. we've been together for most of the time in the past 6 years, we've been sleeping together almost each day, even when I know (or hope) it's the best thing to do I feel it's hard to do this step and there's a part of me that's tempted to again buy her the stuff she wants and try to satisfy her so "everything will get back to normal", although I know it won't really help and sometime in the future she'll get mad at me on the same thing\s or something else she'll find.Thanks for your opinions and advices! they are really appriciated!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2014): she seems a very materialistic girl doesn't she . I have girlfriends in the past who are wealthier than me, and wanted to buy me cars etc .. but I wouldn't want that from them, but yet she wanted to buy them for me ..heck when it came to paying for meals etc even though I was skint I still wanted to pay for them ... basically money wasn't a concern about each other with us, in regards to what we spent on each other. No offence mate but she sounds very deluded in what she expects from you .now its the flowers what about the £1000 engagement ring you buy her in the future when she wanted the £5,000 one
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2014): OMG. She sounds incredibly selfish and a real taker! What exactly does she do for YOU? Does she surprise you with nice gifts etc.?You know in all the four years or so with my ex I never once got a birthday card or Valentine's card. He was unemployed so I overlooked it, but the one year I never sent him a Valentine's card he got upset. He even tried to pass off stuff which he no longer wanted himself as gifts, once he was so rude as to try to fob me off with a horrible man's jumper! But he always had enough money for nice shiny new stuff for himself I noticed.You sound way too giving, like the other extreme! And she is more than willing to take. Gifts don't make a relationship work, they are a symbol of love and mark appropriate points. I think you need to step back and make a list of the pros and cons of your situation.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (31 March 2014):
 I agree with the others. Your girlfriend's expectations are unrealistic and her accusations unfounded. If anything they apply to her, not you.Having a history together does not obligate you to a future together, especially when it's clearly one sided and unsatisfactory for you.Let her buy her own hair dye. I'd let this one go.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (31 March 2014):
 I don't think these expectations by your girlfriend are at all normal or reasonable for that matter.
I do think that she's self centred, lazy and taking you for granted.
You're both students but YOU work part time, she just spends your money and is then totally ungrateful for whatever you do buy her.
I do think, in the first instance, that you have maybe set yourself up for allowing this woman to take advantage of you by buying her gifts every month when you first dated her and always paying for her when you guys go out.
Your chivalry and generosity is a lovely quality and if you WANT to take your girlfriend out and treat her then you should do it BUT it should NOT be expected.
I think 6 years of milking you is enough especially when she is so ungrateful and clearly does not appear to respect or appreciate you.
I think you need to decide if she's really the girl for you as you already raise concerns about being compatible.
If you do want to fight for this relationship then I think you need to tell your girlfriend that the meal ticket has expired. Tell her that you are happy to treat her, from time to time, but only when YOU want too and NOT because she asks you, wants you too or thinks you should. Then you must stick to your rules.
If your girlfriend wants or needs something, then she'll have to grow up and do what all other adults do.......save up and pay for it herself.
Perhaps she should try something new, like getting a job and paying her own way.
If your girlfriend won't change or tries to convince you that her actions are 'normal' and that you're 'cheap' then I if I were you, I'd walk away and never look back.
You sound like a really lovely guy and deserve a lady who will appreciate your lovely gestures and caring nature.
I wish you well AB x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 March 2014):
 I think your GF has some rather unrealistic expectations of you.
And I think she sets you up for failure in order for you to "show" how much you love her. Like she mentioned she liked flowers - so because you love her, YOU bought her flowers. But in her eyes you didn't get the right kind so you much not know her mind and love her enough. Then when you FINALLY got it right, she really didn't care less (about the flowers) the "game" was over.
There is a book called The 5 languages of love.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
You are a Word of Affirmation/Physical touch person
SHE is a Receiving gifts person
In a way, maybe it is about time to rethink if this relationship has run it's course or not. If there is NO pleasing her and she wan't to end the relationship often, WHAT is in it for you?
If she is constantly ungrateful, what is in it for you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2014): Dump her. A boyfriend isn't expected to pay for anything. He does it because he wants. A gentleman doesn't open a door because he has to, he does it because he wants to.
Your girl does not appreciate you, only your money. Let her go and tell her women have fought hard for equal rights so she needs to get herself a job.
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