A
male
age
41-50,
*t109
writes:Hi,I just wanted to see what your opinions on this is. I met someone well over a year ago and it was amazing. We got on really well, so much so we had 3 dates on one weekend. When I was at work the next Monday she send me an email and text messages telling me how much she liked me, the way she had butterflies, how sweet I was, the most beautiful man she'd met, etc, etc. I felt the same about her, but I wasn't as good as putting into words as her. Anyway, the problem came is I got a job over 100 miles away. She ended it because she said she cannot bare to do a LDR. She said she was falling for me and needed to protect herself. It would make her very insecure.We stayed in contact though until recently she was a little quieter than normal. I had the feeling she had started seeing someone, so I asked her and she wouldn't reply. Eventually she admitted she was. I was quite gutted because I was about to start seeing if I could move back home to be closer to friends, family and possible to see her again, although I hadn't mentioned to her yet. One day I come back from work late I received a text saying she's a little drunk so shouldn't admit this, but she said subsequent dates she had with me she got the idea that I didn't like her as much. I have always liked her a lot, told her this, and she replied, oh well. The next day she sent another text, that I'm not sure was a hint or what, but she said she is only taking it very, very slowly with her ex (the person she admitted to dating).A few days later, she admitted her biggest problem that held her back with me is she suffers from dysmorphia. She said she feels hideous sometimes and it put enormous pressure on her when I asked her on a date because she like so much, that she didn't want to let me down.So I'm now wondering what to do. Should I persue her, let it go as she is possible getting back with an ex? Also if I did persue her, what is the best way to behave around someone with dysmorphia to reassure them that I really do like them, it's not pretend?
View related questions:
at work, drunk, her ex, insecure, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 August 2014):
 I'd agree with Tisha-1 she seems to have a valid summary.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 August 2014):
 You are not going to give up on her, that's fine. The dysmorphia I think is body dysmorphia and not gender dysmorphia. It means she thinks she is ugly, fat when she is actually average or above. It is a disorder in a way that it is irrational so you can't talk logic with her, you can't have 5 men stand in front of her, tell her she's beautiful and have her believe it. The causes are both genetic and environmental. Cognitive behavioral therapy might help. For now just worry about moving back. She's not going to pursue you until she knows for sure you are right there. To love a person like this, lots of love and then more love. Be sensitive when you talk and try to avoid triggers such as looking at porn or beautiful women on the street. I would not date her until she's stopped dating her ex though. There is a reason she's going back to her ex. Maybe at one time he can be very supportive and slick with his speech. He knows how to cheer up a woman like this. For what reason they broke up, it probably has to do with her insecurity issues. I would also let her know that, for you to try again there should be no more breaks. You two have to communicate maturely and resolve issues right away. The move, and the moving back was unexpected so hopefully her relationship with you is deep enough to pick up where you left off. She has to make up her mind, either you, her ex, or nothing at all.
...............................
A
male
reader, rt109 +, writes (12 August 2014):
rt109 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know what, Tisha. You have made me wake up. Everything we ever "talked" about was by text. May be all this time she has actually been waiting for me to show her by speaking to her. I'm not usually a texter but it seemed to fall into this way of communicating. I have met her a few times and it always ends very positive with a nice big crushing hug and saying we should meet soon and all she was waiting for was a call from me the next day to confirm I was serious about her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 August 2014):
 You need to work on your communication skills and venues.
First of all, stop trying to make major life decisions based on texts. They are useless in conveying important information. "I'm late for our date for the opera." is fine. "I love you and want to be with you forever, please reply if you feel the same" is pretty sad.
So each of you has been hiding something from the other or just failing to convey important thoughts and information.
You met her over a year ago, it was amazing and she's now getting around to let you know she has a mental health issue called dysmorphia.
You met her over a year ago, it was amazing and you're just now getting around to thinking about letting her know you are moving back.
Stop texting this important life stuff. Start actually speaking to her.
The ex thing, who knows? You haven't exactly chased her down and convinced her to be yours. Your romantic resume with her isn't all that great.
As for the dysmorphia, well, is she in treatment? Is she seeing a therapist? Is this an excuse or a plea for sympathy or an actual diagnosis?
What's the best way to behave around someone with dysmorphia? If this is some untreated thing then there's probably absolutely nothing that you could say or do that would combat the syndrome going on in her mind. If she is getting help then ask her.
Just TALK to her. Stop with the texts and avoiding actual human interaction. If you really think she's someone you want to pursue then call her, or better yet, make a trip and go SEE her.
"We stayed in contact." What the hell does that mean? You emailed? You texted? You skyped? You went back to visit her? She came to visit you?
This sounds so much like you are avoiding an actual relationship by hiding behind digital devices.....
Go see her or call her up.
Okay, wait, that doesn't have enough emphasis.
GO SEE HER or USE THE PHONE AND CALL HER or USE THE INTERNET AND SKYPE WITH HER.
Make some actual contact, dude.
...............................
|
