A
female
age
30-35,
*2andsingle
writes:So I've known this guy for 13 years, and I've been single for 12 years. Yes I've dated people but no actual boyfriend.Trevor is everything you want in a partner/husband - I can imagine having a family with him, I trust him completely, we argue sometimes but resolve things maturely. We sometimes talk all night, and we've done alot of sexting over the years. No one has ever come close when it comes to talking, sharing feelings, making an effort with me.So we dated a few times at the start of our "situationship", shared a few hot and steamy kisses, BUT NEVER HAD SEX. I would always pull away and make excuses. For years now I've been finding excuses not to see him because I'm scared we'll get to that point again and I'll chicken out. We've kind of stayed pen pals because everytime we meet and things get a bit too close, I end up hurting him by making excuses. But he comes back every time. A few months go by where we don't speak, then he comes back.So I need to know:1) Am I not physically attracted to him? Is that why we've never taken it to the next level. But we talk about sex with eachother ALOT.2) Do I go back to him everytime because I'm 32 and desperate? He's husband material for sure.3) How do I throw myself in the deep end and take us to the next level without the fear of ruining our "friendship" again.Thank you for assisting with my sad dilemma ?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, 32andsingle +, writes (8 February 2022):
32andsingle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you WiseowlE, Honeypie and Kenny.
Very wise words from all of you, and exactly what I was hoping to get from my question. Not an answer as such, but what I need to focus on to make my decision.
Trevor lives 10 mins from me, so it's totally down to me avoiding him which is why we've never taken it further.
I feel on one hand, if it was meant to be, it would have been by now.
But....have I sabotaged it every single time, because I'm scared it won't live up to the hype? Yes 100%.
Our discussions about sex have been so graphic/in detail, that I am slightly worried it won't live up to expectations. Then I'll end up wanting to avoid him forever.
One question raised was "what has he been doing for 12 years?"
In all honesty, waiting for me.... it sounds crazy, but we've both been single the same amount of time. We've both had flings over the years, but he always comes back when I least expect it. He never gives up for too long.
I owe it to him to try, but I also don't want to break his heart if we take it further and it's not what I hoped.
No its not all about sex, but that sexual connection has to be there for us both. Otherwise we'll get bored.
I also wonder if him being too available to me is putting me off. All we want is for someone to be there for us, support us, and not play games. I've had it all this time but haven't grabbed it. Why....
Maybe I should give you his number and you can tell him how I feel - then see what he says.
If only! I feel like I'm in school right now!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2022): Though sex is an important element in making an emotional connection within a romance; but it is not the do-all tell-all of how you really feel about each-other. You can have tremendous sex with a mortal-enemy. Sometimes the best sex you've ever had, is with someone you never really cared about.
From your description, it seems that you and Trevor connect on all levels; and it also seems that he is adaptable to whatever mood or frame of mind you happen to be in. I guest it is safe to believe he IS physically attracted to you. He seems level-headed and mature enough to let nature take its course. He is a patient kind of guy, who isn't letting sex be the only glue holding your "situationship" together. He genuinely cares about you.
In these modern times, of course everyone feels sex has to be at the forefront of a relationship; even before anything else is intellectually or emotionally established. If he isn't pressuring you for sex, why are you making it an issue? Holding it back is probably your way of keeping the connection safe from complications. Yes, it is a certain fact that a relationship changes once you add sex to the equation. Sometimes it is through the "post-sexual" interaction; that you may determine how deep it goes. Or, just the opposite, how superficial it is. Sex may only be a curiosity, and once you do it; there is no further novelty to compel you to take things any further. This usually occurs when it's the wrong-guy, or the wrong-woman.
My advice is to follow your heart. I think it is time for a discussion with Trevor regarding how deep it all goes between you? Then you should take it from there.
You've known him long enough to trust him, he is well acquainted with you as an individual, your personalities are in sync; and there seems to be trust between you.
In fact, I think you do know the reasons you stop at a point; you just don't want to say it aloud to yourself. You're scared sex will mess things up! You'll get attached, fall in-love, and he might leave you. You might fear you'll feel totally destroyed, should that happen.
We all have to take that risk sooner or later, my dear. You're using sex as your excuse; but I suppose it's more emotional than that. It's not the fear of sex, but what might happen thereafter? You're old enough to have hit a few snags with men up to now. Trevor shows consistency, which is the greatest thing about what you have between you. He's such a nice-guy, and things are so good between you, you are afraid sex will ruin it for you. Maybe it has with other men. They were just not the right men for you. It's not popular to withhold sex until marriage; but if you've been conditioned or convicted by your religious beliefs, upbringing, or your personal-preference; don't discount or discard your personal-principles. They are as legit as any other opinion on the matter. People feel we all have to conform to the masses, and we get ostracized and persecuted for being different. I don't give a rat's patootie how other people feel about my beliefs or moral principles; I stick to them hell or high-water. That's our/your right as human beings, and nobody's businesses but yours or mine.
When I read a post regarding the emotional and intellectual connection someone has to their romantic-interest, I want to see what it is they really admire and appreciate about that person. I like to see how connected they are beyond sex; and how familiar and committed they are to each-other as individuals. You give a very clear description and a good picture of how you and Trevor connect.
It's time to discuss and define what you have going-on between you two. You have to know if it is a platonic-friendship; or if it is a romance yet to be explored and discovered at another level. Sex will happen when it happens; it is not the impetus to your emotional-connection with him. You will determine how far to go, once he acknowledges what it is going-on between the two of you. Then you can relax and trust him (and yourself) more. Do you fear embarrassment, if you're not the answer to his dreams? Do you not think you are good enough? Let Trevor be the judge of that, and stop overthinking. You are not a mind-reader. Don't dread a bad-outcome; when the odds are so much in your favor, sweetheart!
Your fears may be he'll be disappointed in your physical-appearance without clothing, shyness, or you might not deliver the quality of lovemaking you think he deserves. Well, nothing ventured nothing gained; you won't know until you cross that bridge.
I think you and Trevor need to stop dancing around it. Decide if you love each-other in a romantic-sense, or are you just friends? If you are just friends, do not complicate your friendship with sex. You deserve everything you've ever wanted when it comes to falling in-love with someone, and nothing short of it. Just make sure you give as much as you take. Be true to him, and to yourself.
I know you'll get a lot of anecdotal (and fictional) stories here on DC about friends with benefits; but usually there is an element of someone being exploited or manipulated behind it. There is also a fear of allowing a true and honest connection develop with another person; because people have lost faith in true-love. That is most likely because they think love and/or faithfulness are a myth. I suspect a lot of women feel sex is the only way they can catch, or keep a guy around. That's only true when it's the wrong-guy. Settling for whatever you can get is sad and pathetic. Allowing someone else to call all the shots, no matter how much it hurts you is stupid. Using your own body as a bargaining chip; so you can have a faux-romance with someone who refuses to commit, or open-up their heart to you, beyond just having sex.
There is some legitimacy and wisdom to your caution and hesitance. Don't let fear, insecurity, or self-doubt be the reasons.
I think you and Trevor have something going; and sex isn't the predominating determinant behind what you have. I think it goes deep, and it's genuine. Talk about it with Trevor, and see where it goes from there.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 February 2022):
 I have to agree with Kenny,
If you have known him this long and you have not been able to ACTUALLY have a relationship, then why is he an option now?
Sounds to me like your biological clock is ticking so loudly that you "dusted" him off as an "option" again.
I think YOU need to figure out (for yourself) WHY you pulled away EVERY single time in the past.
Also, what has he been doing in those 12-13 years? Just waited for you to get to your senses? Or does he have a string of relationships while you "floundered" romantically?
If you could have sex with other men, why not this guy? Because you were scared of getting emotionally attached? Or are you afraid he might not live up to your expectations?
Do you two live close enough to HAVE a decent relationship?
And the last one, WHAT IF you two try it and you are just not compatible at all? What then?
There are a lot of questions for you to ask yourself here.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (8 February 2022):
 I think that as you have know him for 13 years and in all of this time, apart from a few hot and steamy kisses, and some sexting nothing much else has transpired from this relationship. After 13 years maybe he has resigned himself to the fact that nothing is going to happen, but is more than happy to just keep going as your going, staying pen pals and texting etc.
I assume he is long distance?. I only say this because pen pals normally are.
I think you have to ask yourself how you really feel about him in your heart of hearts. Only you can ask that question, just like you say he is husband material, but only you know if you would actually marry him or not.
I don't think that 32 is old, and i don't think that your desperate either, i just think that you have not found someone that you can call the one.
I think that just because he is husband material does not be he a perfect fit for you.
In my opinion is if nothing has happened after 13 years then i don't think it ever will.
But that's just my opinion, only you know how you feel. If you really like him and want to give it a try then all you can do is try. That is of course he is still interested after all this time.
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