A
female
age
36-40,
*yndane
writes:Hello.I have a problem, but I`m not sure if I can explain it. I`ll try.I`ve been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now. From the beginning, I had a feeling he`s somehow closed to me. I didn`t know anything about his life, family, friends, except for what I`ve seen, since we attend same college. If he`s going out with his friends, he doesn`t call me, although I know them, and they don`t mind me being with them. As for family, I didn`t even know his parent`s names until a month ago. They live in other city, so I don`t get to meet them, but... He`s very close with my family, he knows my friends by name, he participates in all my activities... I have a feeling of being isolated. Like he has divided his world in different parts, one for his family, one for his friends and one for me and we have no interaction. I tried talking to him, and he would promise to change, but then go on as if nothing happened.One other thing that concerns me. I know he slept with one girl before me, only once, but he refused to talk about her. I didn`t press the issue. This week he`s off visiting his family. I remembered I need some thing from his computer, so I went to his apartment. Since I didn`t know where was the thing I needed, I opened all folders. In one I found out who that girl is. It was hidden in some job applications. He had her pictures there and a copy of chat. It turned out I know her, and she attends the same college as us. The worse thing was, in that chat I realized they were close. No one knew of them, and he claims that was not a real relationship, but from what I`ve read, he wanted to continue being with her. He said they swore no one will ever know. The other bad thing is that my pictures and stuff are under Call of Duty game folder.So my questions are this: Should I press him to talk more? Should I confront him about the other girl`s pictures? Is it worth it? Please help.Thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Cyndane +, writes (13 November 2011):
Cyndane is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you! You have been most helpful!
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (13 November 2011):
 If he's trying to make an effort then you need to cut him a little slack. He's showing you that he wants to move forward with you. His actions right now say a lot.
Also keep in mind that if you want to stay with him, then you're going to have to accept his efforts. This relationship works both ways. Give him a chance to show that he wants to be with you.
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A
female
reader, Cyndane +, writes (13 November 2011):
Cyndane is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know I am boring with these updates, but...
We managed to resolve most of the issues. He`s finally over his ex, he doesn`t even have her phone number. He started opening up, a bit...but still. I don`t feel secure, safe, when I` with him. I don`t feel desired. Oh, he says that to him, I`m the most beautiful girl on planet, but I think he`s trying to make up for when he said I`m not attractive by today`s standards. Which is true, since I`m short and a little overweight. And I know I should dump him, but when the worst thing happened to me, he was there, never leaving me, and he`s always been very supportive...
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A
female
reader, Cyndane +, writes (11 February 2011):
Cyndane is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe worst thing is... she`s not really his ex. They were... I am not sure if there is a word for that in English. They saw each other from time to time, there was no real commitment. They slept once, it was his first time, and then she dumped him. I know how you can be obsessed with your first, but, for crying out loud, she decided it was too much of a bother to train him in bed, so she dumped him, no regrets.Well, we started talking and taking long walks, about 2 months after they were finished, and we got together another 2 months after that. So 4 months.Thank you for your advice.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 February 2011):
Woah, sounds like he's not over his ex if he refuses to delete the pictures and telling you he cannot invest himself in this relationship. Then what does he want this relationship for?
I don't blame you for being insecure over his ex, he's still holding onto her (mentally). I'm wondering after how long he broke up with ex did he start dating you?
If you both know it's over there's nothing you can do or say to turn the situation around or back track. You could try going on a break for him to collect him thoughts and take time to get over his ex. That will only work if he truly does want to be with you, and is willing yo utilize this time. If not then the break will be a permanent break up.
Do you really want to have a relationship with a guy who can't get over his ex?
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A
female
reader, Cyndane +, writes (5 February 2011):
Cyndane is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am sorry to bother you all again, but I`m feeling lost and hurt. New things have happened.I accepted the fact that he keeps pictures of his ex on his computer. The worst thing was... That night we planed to make love. And what happens? I`m coming through the door and first thing I see are her pictures all over his computer. I wanted to scream. I know he doesn`t consider me hot. I know I`m not. I know she is. My first thought was that he was "getting ready" for me by looking at her pictures. He said it was not so, and he was just remembering old times. I swallowed my screams and sat to talk. He said he won`t delete her pictures, and, also, that he understands he doesn`t invest himself in our relationship as mush as I do, or as much as is necessary. He feels he can`t change and we both know we`re close to the end, no matter how much we love each other. Please, can anyone suggest something I can say that will help?
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 January 2011):
It really takes a long time for a guy to learn how to open up. Some guys tend to have poor communication, that usually is because of a lack of dating experience of being a bachelor for so long. You just have to let him know that you're in it for the long haul, and that you're there for him anytime he needs you. That you're in a relationship so there are no secrets and that you both should trust in each other 100%. You're going to have to be a little pushy, making him let you into his life. This means going out with him and his friends, also asking when you're going to meet his family since he already knows yours. Lastly tell him, if he doesn't start communicating with you and allowing you to get to know him then this relationship will be short lived. You want to know who you're in a relationship with.
It's really hard to break in when they've been closed off for most of their life.
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A
female
reader, Cyndane +, writes (7 January 2011):
Cyndane is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAny thoughts how to help him open up?
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 January 2011):
Ah that explains things he's always been reserved and doesn't know how to open up. If he's not communicating with you then the relationship will always have these issues.
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A
female
reader, Cyndane +, writes (7 January 2011):
Cyndane is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer. The problem is, I`ve known this guy for 2 years before we got together. I thought things would change, he would became more open to me. He often told me he imagined his true relationship in which he would talk to the girl about all sorts of things. It is not happening. I`ve tried a dozen times to show him the importance of goo communication between us, and he seemed to understand, but still no changes.
Anyway, thank you for reading this and answering!
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 January 2011):
How recent is this evident chat? There should be a date somewhere on the paper. If it's recent then I would confront him over it, seeing as you snooped and it would continue to bother you if you tried to keep that information to yourself. Now if it's not dated within the 6 months you've been together, then it's nothing for you to worry about.
The girl he slept with before you, again it doesn't apply to you. It was before your time so there's no need to discuss it. You need to let that part go.
I see how you're annoyed that he's keeping his life closed off from you but then again it's only been 6 months, there's still time to get to know his parents. Plus you still hardly know this guy, it's going to take quite some time(years) to truly get to know someone. If you feel like he's being too reserved then call him out on it. Tell him you want to know everything about him.
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