A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HelloI've been thinking about this alot recently. I am a male virgin who has never kissed a girl; nor have I been on a date. I'm not handsome in any classical sense, and I'm a big husky guy. Not to mention, a giant geek (read comic books etc) on top of that. I'm not bitter about that because that is the way of Natural Selection. Why would a woman want someone with bad traits? Why settle for less? I used to talk to girls alot but after the rejections, they got infrequent and now I have stopped all together. Since I suffer from anxiety, depression and lonliness, I've debated from time to time about just paying for sex at least once. I want to know what being touched in that way feels like for at least one moment in my life. Would it be reasonable to just pay to have sex once? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): I used to be the same way as you. I used to have anxiety so bad I didn't leave my house for 3 months, and I still have some anxiety to this day. I'm also a huge geek and wasn't attractive to girls when I was younger. I was actually around your age when I lost my virginity and decided to pay for it. It's a mistake, as sex is much better when you have someone to love. My advice to you is that if your not happy with the way you look, do something about it. Work out, get nice clothes, get a hair style, whatever boosts your confidence because that's what girls find most attractive. When it comes to getting over your anxiety and building confidence with women, just remember that nobody is born with courage, you get the courage by doing the damned thing your afraid of. Best of luck and go get em!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): To answer your question without tackling your underlying issues, then yes, it's perfectly reasonable to pay for sex.
Under the condition that you pay good money for a top quality, all night, girlfriend experience with a woman who enjoys her job and is not a trafficked heroin addict.
In other words do your homework and put together some serious cash.
OP nothing about your physical appearance, your hobbies or interests is stopping you finding a woman though, it's just a confidence thing. But you can change that with some thought, patience and work.
Most importantly though is understanding that women like every type of man, every shape, size, besides they're like us and most don't have standards. 1 in 5 are in an abusive relationship right now, god knows how many are being used for sex, or staying to fix a broken man, or with a guy who has cheated on them tonnes of times or with a man who doesn't fulfil their needs.
OP if you're a good person then you're already better than most of the guys currently in relationships, you just need to believe in yourself more and find a way of improving your confidence.
OP find geek girls, twitter, take up warhammer or magic the gathering, go to conventions, your local rock bar or club is most likely to have the biggest number of geek girls socially, online dating sites have tonnes of them too dying for someone to message them with more that just "hey baby, how are you?" and actually start an interesting conversation.
OP it's the easiest thing in the world to meet women that have the same tastes as you, the same confidence issues, social anxiety etc. all online. That is where they all hang out, and frankly it's a lot easier to get know someone and ask them out online if you find it too daunting in real life.
I say try and connect with some like minded women online while your researching your hooker and saving up your cash.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 June 2013):
 Oh yeah, I also want to encourage you by telling you about my former room-mate. When I first met him I couldn't believe it. Big belly, dark circles under his eyes, not attractive. I first felt bad for him, thinking how hard it must be to find a girlfriend when he looks like that. I had to take that back... big time. He's got women tripping over themselves to be with him. And it didn't take long to understand why. He's got charm like Prince Charming himself. He talks to everyone, is always happy. He looks like a train wreck, but it doesn't matter when you can make someone feel happy, great, and can share a laugh. He's kind, and very easy to be around, isn't up-tight about anything and offers to help out with everything. It's impossible not to like him.
The fact that he works at a bar and is around drunk women all the time doesn't hurt either, they're always trying to hit on him.
So no, looks definitely don't matter. Even though I do agree with YouWish: natural selection doesn't have anything to do with over-eating and not taking care of your body. You should take care of yourself and your health. Not so women will fall for you, but for yourself. Working out is the best medicine against depression. So if you're feeling low, go for a walk, then jog a little now and then. Just start doing little things every now and then and see how much better you feel afterwards.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 June 2013):
I'm going to answer this as if you were a girl. Which would bring me to a halt at your second section.
"I'm not bitter about that because that is the way of Natural Selection."
A woman in your position would say "I haven't found the right man yet, none of them seem serious enough for a long term relationship, and I didn't want to just throw it away on a one night stand".
It's a tradition for the womans virginity to be of more value than a mans. However there is no reason for this. To have sex only with someone yuo care about, and are attracted to, feel comfortable with etc.. well, that is a wish both genders have. It's got nothing to do with natural selection or whatever BS. You weren't comfortable sleeping around or jumping the bones of any woman you saw. You waited for a relationship perhaps, or at least something a bit more meaningful. You didn't find it. A woman in your position would complain about how the men around her are not desirable. You are blaming natural selection. Yiddi yadda, same thing, isn't it? Both a woman in your position, and you, have the same problem: you're not taking chances. Going on dates. Getting to know people. Allow people to enter your lives, come close. Put yourself on the line, take the risk of being rejected! The women are sitting around waiting for serious desirable, non player guys to drop on their heads. While the guys (you in particular) are siting around waiting for women to.. I don't know.. walk up to you and spread her legs?
You're not a player, and women don't want a player either. They don't want a guy who's only looking to have sex. And seeing as you haven't had sex yet, it's a pretty strong hint that you aren't that type of guy. Blame natural selection all you want, but even if you were the greatest hunk you can imagine, you'd still be in the same position that you are in right now. Because this is you, it's who you are. Btw, you're probably a lot more physically attractive than you think, but guys have a tendency to not see it/not groom themselves right. Waring baggy pants for example. Or growing too long hair. Or hunching over with their backs, or wearing shirts that don't fit.. Stuff like that.
So anyway, lets get back to it. If all you want is sex, and pretend to be a player who only wants sex... sure I guess. Get a hooker. Even thought it's something most women won't respect you for, but it's your life. You do as you wish. But I think you're way to young to have your sexual debut in such a low manner. You've got so many years ahead of you. If you turn 35-40 and you're still a virgin, okay, maybe reconsider. But at 22-25? Come on, you're barely an adult, and women have barely grown up.
What would you say if a 17-year old asked this question? Say the same thing to yourself: you're too young to sink to that level! YOU CAN GET BETTER. Don't deny yourself the chance of something better than a kiss and a touch you know isn't sincere and that you had to pay for. It won't EVER feel the same as being touched by someone who loves you. So you wont get to know what "that" feels like anyway if you pay for it.
Just think about what you want. But I think you're too young to think it's never going to happen, and I think you need to stop letting past (I guess high school-) experiences stop you from experiencing flirting as an ADULT. Two very different worlds. Work on your anxiety, seek therapy, dare yourself to do things. Step out of that comfort zone and give women the chance to get to know you, before you rule them all out. They're not going to fall out of the sky and drop on your head. You can't blame natural selection for not being able to hunt anyone down when you're not even out there trying.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (13 June 2013):
Dear OP,
This post of yours is so sad that I would like to give you a hug right now.
You are too young to give up on looking for love, connection and real intimacy. I guess I can understand how you feel, because I used to suffer from depression as well and in my darkest times, I also told myself stuff like this. Well, I never considered paying for sex, cause I'm a woman and if we want meaningless sex, we'll always find a way. But I used to feel so lonely and unloveable that I thought no one was going to want me for myself. I also thought about natural selection taking its course and suicide and all these dark things. When I look back now, I am so happy to be out of this state. It took a long time and some therapy but it was worth it.
What I recommend is that you seek professional help asap. Not from a prostitute, because believe me, she won't fix the real problem. I mean from a therapist.
I can tell you that sex without some mutual attraction or love is quite disgusting. It leaves you feeling empty and dirty. It's hard to explain but a lot of sex happens in the brain. And it makes a huge difference if a stranger just rubs your genitals or if someone you really like is touching you. If you pay for it, you won't get an experience that will make you happy.
Besides, I think it's morally wrong. But everyone has to decide that for himself.
OP, my own brother had his first girlfriend and sex at 27. He's now in his second relationship at the age of 32, he's happy, living with his girlfriend, maybe he'll marry soon. And I know more examples like this. Yes, introvert guys have a harder time to find someone - but it's not hopeless. Don't give up.
Please update us on your situation and whether there is something specific that we can help you with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): Looks like you have given up on girls already.There is a girl for every guy in this world. Just open your eyes and take a look around. Are all the guys who have girlfriends handsome, athletic, etc. etc.? Of course not. I had a friend like you. He was a geek, extremely shy with girls, and depressed. He didn't meet any girls until the age of 30, when all of a sudden he picked up the phone and ordered a stripper! I don't know how, but that's what he did. After a while the second girl was booked. And third. And then he booked 2 girls at the same time. He had like 100 girls in a couple of years. And you know what happened then? He developed so much confidence in himself that he stopped paying and started to seduce and date normal girls. You won't believe me if I show his current girlfriend's picture to you.So you may choose to pay for sex too. It's an experiment and young people are allowed to experiment as long as they don't break the law or hurt anyone. And it may help you build your confidence with women.But be careful. Those women who do it for money may not be as nice as they seem. Some of them know how to take advantage of an innocent guy like you. Use the legal agencies. They are expensive but at least you have some peace of mind.And most of such women are more concentrated on your money than your satisfaction. Learn to take control, otherwise they will win and you will lose.(I'm not saying that you SHOULD pay for sex. I'm just giving you advice)
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (13 June 2013):
 I would advise against it for the reasons others have already listed. Sharing something so intimate and meaningful with someone who would not be there if you were not paying her is so hollow. I'm not a man so I guess I'll never understand the ways in which men need sex or the lengths to which some of them will go to get it.
I know you can't just go out there and blind everyone with your shining personality and talk to girls and brush off rejection. I also suffer with loneliness and depression and severe social anxiety and it's no good people telling you to just "face your fears and go for it because life is too short to worry about what others think". It doesn't work that way. People who say things like that are well-meaning people who have no idea what it feels like. First you need to start to deal with your life, and the best way to do that is to seek therapy, preferably CBT. That will help you cope with social situations and give you more confidence.
You sound like a nice guy. Nice guys don't always finish last. If you have a personality and a sense of humour and some ambition in life, that can get you a long way. You have hobbies, and that's a good start. Lots of girls are into games and comics, so maybe look in those circles first and foremost. I have a geek friend who found a geek girlfriend on a geek dating website. They are very compatible and very happy together and spend a lot of time talking about geek stuff. You could try that as a first step. I think online dating can be good for someone with anxiety, as long as you actually make the leap from virtual to real at some point.
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A
female
reader, Gotanissue  +, writes (13 June 2013):
The choice is your's but it's not going to be that good it's not going to make you feel any better. I suffer from Depression and Anxiety which does get in the way of things a lot but at the same time I decided this isn't the life I want to lead I went and saw a psychologist and my life has been better since.
There are plenty of women out there, rejection is horrible but at the same time if you don't ask you'll never know. Personally I prefer my men husky and the geek thing is cute so there are women out there you just have to look.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 June 2013):
 Sorry, but maybe natural selection makes your body able to retain fat a bit easier than other people's, but your health and well being are the result of your environment and your choices. Natural selection doesn't account for laying back eating a full bag of Doritos, nor does it control hygiene or confidence. Seth Rogan is a big guy who looked like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every single branch on the way down. But he made the most of his life! Same with Jonah Hill! Holy cats! Not to mention Drew Carey, Al Roker, Kevin Smith, Peter Jackson (that guy didn't lose his weight until AFTER LOTR, by the way!), and I could go ON and on and on!
If you pay for a prostitute, sure, you'll have a woman touch you as part of a business transaction. She won't care for you, she could pass you a disease (or several!), and how could you look a girlfriend in the eye and tell her that you lost your virginity that way, much less if you follow the model of many guys who become "career johns", you'll start down a lifestyle that is a deal breaker for many women out there who would not want their boyfriend to have a history of hookers.
Take control of your life and don't give it up to words like "natural selection". Have you NEVER seen Texas Hold 'em? You may have been dealt less of a genetic hand than other pretty boys, but you could play it better and see success.
Trust me, I say this over and over until I sound like a broken record, but working out and eating right is AMAZING. It's transformative to realize that once you cement in some good habits, it's nearly as effortless as running off to fast food restaurants and grabbing pizzas and so on. Imagine your mind clearing up. Imagine you working out, and you're sweating, and hurting, and every fiber of your being is engaged in the effort, and SUDDENLY your brain feels a sense of accomplishment and injects dopamine, your natural heroin. Talk about well-being!
As far as you knocking geek stuff/comic books, OMG those things are popular! The only one I really ever got into was Walking Dead, but given the sheer explosion of comic book based movies out there now (I'm heading to Man of Steel at midnight tomorrow!), you're far from alone!
Geek is in! There are girl gamers, comic book people, geeks you can relate to! You just have to stop spending time feeling sorry for yourself and go improve yourself! Believe me, seeing a hooker will NOT help.
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