A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé's parents are in there 80's and the dad is able to get around. The mother needs a lot of help walking due to overweight issues. The are still both mentally sharp.I have an aunt in her 90's and she is mentally sharp too and gets around just fine, drives her car, but is in assisted living.I invited my aunt to my birthday outing. My fiancé's parents and my aunt live in the same town and they always offer to pick up my aunt to take her places when we all meet up.Previously, my aunt offered to meet the following week and offered to take me out for a meal to celebrate, but we cancelled that when I invited her.My fiance was fine with everyone being invited and this was planned for over a month.1) My fiancé's job allows for him to take off early and he did for my birthday to drive us to the restaurant I really wanted to go to. My fiancé made the remark to me that he took time off to do this for me (I sensed some underlying resentment.) He also said it was good to see them all but he had a bad week at work. 2) When it came time to pay the bill, my aunt asked what she owed for her meal and his parents jumped in and said don't worry about it, we got it, and offered to pay for part of my aunt's meal and my fiancé paid for her half as well. Later, my fiancé, pointed out to me that the meal was expensive, came to $56.00, with my aunt's meal being paid and "having her come along." Between my fiance and his parents, they left a $12.00 tip for the waitress too.My fiance's job pays him very well, so money is not the issue.3) Later my fiance referenced my aunt's offer to take me out to eat for my birthday the next week and he said, Well, both me and my aunt are cheap, so who would be paying for that meal.4) When my fiance's mom went to the bathroom at the restaurant, my fiance was waiting with my aunt and my fiance again, later told me, maybe I shouldn't be saying this to you, but that my aunt had said to him, like a vulture, that his mother was holding his dad back, due to her health issues of not being able to get around. You see, my fiance's dad has to help his mother walk everywhere due to her being overweight. It's sad, but there is nothing we can do. She refuses to lose weight.I'm pondering all this. Maybe I should have had them over to our house for a meal and done all the cooking, etc. or just have made it the two of us at the restaurant. My fiance always likes his parents to come with, if possible, and we always include my aunt.So I am cheap? And my aunt is a vulture? There is underlying resentment for taking time off to drive to this restaurant and paying for part of my aunt's meal are the issues at hand.I am thinking I should write my fiance a check for my aunt's meal and also for part of the tip to the waitress.It's funny, because with my fiance's last girlfriend, he took her several times to a very classy restaurant which was way more expensive than the one we went too. I know this, because I have a friend that would spot them there. And she remembers seeing his parents with them there as well.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2015): If he accepts your check, we'll know just how cheap and petty he is. Likely he's not learning any lesson either.
So. Let's just hope he is somewhat redeemable.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 October 2015):
 I wouldn't go back and look at the cost of past dinners, but for whatever reason THIS dinner made your Fiance call you AND your auntie cheap and while I don't think you OWE him to pay anything, I would make the "payment" to him and his parents on principal. And honestly, to shame him a tad.
Because? Nothing in his behavior is OK. YOU have EVERY right to invite your aunt to YOUR birthday dinner, SHE is family, just like HIS parents are. Your aunt OFFERED to pay her share. Him and his parents declined. My guess is he think is your aunt should act more "grateful" (and not mention his mom's weight) but THAT really has nothing to do with being cheap, nor... being vulture.
Maybe this is a little wake up call for him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2015): Hi, I posted the first answer. I still don't think you should write a check yet. I completely agree that your fiancé is not only cheap but also immature that he has to resort to passive aggressivity rather than be straightforward with you. I don't think you should give him a check for what's been done because it'll almost be like you're rewarding his bad behavior. Maybe you'll feel better, but I think you might end up being resentful. (I've been there, done that). You can offer his parents a check since they seem to be sincere nice people, however, but I bet they're gracious and well mannered enough to have been sincere in offering to have paid in the first place. I don't understand how this is your fiancé. I think if you're going forward with this relationship you need to get this straightened out. Ask him what is going on and figure out if this can be fixed. This relationship isn't going to work if you're going to go forward writing these checks and he's going to continue with these intentional digs against you. He needs to be direct without this passive aggressivity aimed at making you feel bad, EVEN ON YOUR BIRTHDAY. If it were me, oh HELL no. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2015): i ignored your problem because it is close to the bone. Who pays for what can be quite a sticking point.I really dont think you should give into your boyfriends jibes. He said he had a bad day. Maybe he just didnt want to see the aunt along because you have to pay her attention and he just wanted you on his arm to show you off in all your grace and glory to mum. Perhaps he just wanted to celebrate your commitment levelbut whatever the case is he could have been proactively assertive telling you to leave aunt out of this one as he had some special news for just the two of you after his folks had gone home. Maybe he would have paid for the whole meal or let his folks do it,but whatever you do dont repay them cash for your birthday meal. He is a well earning man and hecan afford it.It will onlycreate a new scandal when you start paying off the scraps. Just keep the money and do something outrageous with it like buying an expensive perfume. If he says anything just tell him " I dont want to smell cheap do i darling and it was my birthday after all...." But dont cover the tab or any previous tabs or you will be looked down on because they can afford it. Dont be a doormat or pay your way out of the relationship. Just hold your ground. And expect them to be nicer.[Mod note: to this anon aunt, the accepted usage for typing sentences is to include a space after the period. I have done this for you in your answer to make it more legible. I hope you see this! ;) ]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2015): The OP here. Thank you for all the advice.
The bill came to $112.00 and a $12.00 Tip. It was divided by 2. So his parents paid $62.00 and my fiancé paid $62.00.
I have decided to pay for my own birthday meal because I am in a very surly mood and for my aunts. You know, I don't want to be the cheap one as my fiancé has stated.
I will pay my fiancé $30.00 and his parents $30.00. I am throwing in some extra dollars for the gas money.
Before I write out the checks I will dig and find out what other meals they have paid for my aunt in the past and include that also.
Then we will be "even" and no one can bitch and complain.
Furthermore, I will pay for all her meals in the future and for my own, even if it is on Mother's Day or some other celebration if we all are at a restaurant and a big "maybe" if I decide I still want to be engaged.
The kicker is I am on a tight budget, my fiancé knows this, and he make 6 times more than me. He has a very nice paying job.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2015): Your fiancée sounds very cheap. And very resentful of the whole thing. It's like he didn't even want to celebrate your birthday. Your aunt wanted to pay the bill, I don't understand what was the problem? His parents volunteered and he kind of went along, but where is it your fault, or your aunt's fault? And honestly, the woman that old deserves to be treated well
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2015): It's obvious your fiancé feels he and his family got "stiffed" by you and your aunt.I'd write him a check for your aunt's meal, heck even the gas to get there, since it was an inconvenience for him to take time off of work and to drive you there. I'd even pay for your own birthday meal--only because I would be angry at this point.Write a check to his parents for what they paid for part of your aunt's meal too.From now on, I would have the ticket made out to you and your aunt and you pay for both of your meals. Don't let his family pick up the tab for you both no matter what the celebration.Even if it is just you and your fiancé, pay your own way, your own share. For some reason, he is feeling he is being taken advantage of and that is parents are too.If his family and your fiancé have been picking up your aunt's meals in the past, and have made it a habit, I would look back and see how many times that has been done and write a check to your fiancé and his parents for that too, just to call it, "even."Your fiancé has to be thinking you and your aunt are moochers and mooching off his family. What a lowly opinion to have. When here it is his "own" family that is offering to pay for her meals when your aunt has stated she would pay her way. Your fiancé has blinders on.It's time to take his blinders off.Think long and hard about this relationship with your fiancé.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2015): EXCUSE ME...the CHEAP one here is your so called fiancé!!!!
Your aunt OFFERED TO PAY HER SHARE for the meal.
Your aunt OFFERED to take you out for your birthday and PAY FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY MEAL the next week.
Your aunt made an observation about his mother being overweight, an observation that I am sure OTHERS share the same sentiments.
You know what, YES his dad is being held back by his mother refusing to lose weight and not being able to walk!!
Your fiancé sounds thin skinned when it comes to his mother and her overweight issues.
Your aunt IS NOT AS VULTURE. My goodness...what warped thinking is that? It sounds like your fiancé thinks your aunt has an eye on his dad and is waiting for his mother to drop over dead so she can move in on his dad.
Your aunt speaks her mind and there is nothing wrong with that. She is in her 90's. She has earned that right.
NOW, it was YOUR FIANCE'S PARENTS that jumped in to PAY FOR PART of her meal. YOUR AUNT OFFERED TO PAY FOR HER OWN MEAL!!! Has that been forgotten in the translation????!!!!
Write your fiancé a d@mn check for part of your aunt's meal. Throw in part of tip.
BETTER YET, write a check to your fiancé's parents too for the other part of her meal!!!!
Don't exclude your aunt from any gatherings, but make sure to pay for her meals and NO ONE ELSE IN "HIS FAMILY" PAY FOR HER MEALS!!
It sounds like is was a MAJOR INCONVENIENCE for your fiance to have to drive you to this restaurant to celebrate your birthday. Your fiancé should WANT to do these things for you and be happy to do it.
It certainly WASN'T AN INCOVENIENCE to spend, spend, spend on his last girlfriend though, was it?? Keep that in mind.
I don't know what problems your fiancé is having, but he has them.
I'd be looking for a new boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2015): Excuse me...the cheap one here is your so called fiancé!!!! Your aunt offered to pay her share for the meal. Your aunt offered to take you out for your birthday and pay for your birthday meal the next week.Your aunt made an observation about his mother being overweight, an observation that i am sure others share the same sentiments.Yes his dad is being held back by his mother refusing to lose weight and not being able to walk!! your fiancé sounds thin skinned when it comes to his mother and her overweight issues.Your aunt is not as vulture. my goodness...what warped thinking is that? it sounds like your fiancé thinks your aunt has an eye on his dad and is waiting for his mother to drop over dead so she can move in on his dad. Your aunt speaks her mind and there is nothing wrong with that. she is in her 90's. she has earned that right. Now, it was your fiance's parents that jumped in to pay for part of her meal. your aunt offered to pay for her own meal!!! has that been forgotten in the translation????!!!!write your fiancé a check for part of your aunt's meal. throw in part of tipbetter yet, write a check to your fiancé's parents too for the other part of her meal!!!!don't exclude your aunt from any gatherings, but make sure to pay for her meals and no one else in "his family" pay for her meals!!it sounds like is was a major inconvenience for your fiance to have to drive you to this restaurant to celebrate your birthday. your fiancé should want to do these things for you and be happy to do it.it certainly wasn't an inconvenience to spend, spend, spend on his last girlfriend though, was it?? keep that in mindI don't know what problems your fiancé is having, but he has them.i'd be looking for a new boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 October 2015):
 What a dip stick @ your fiancé!
Yes, write him a cheque for your aunts meal and a proportion of the tip, and be sure to thank him for taking an early knock off from work for your birthday. Let him know that while you appreciate such an effort, you will not be putting him to the trouble again in the future.
Remind him gently that your aunt is your family, and you want to celebrate significant milestones in your life with her while you can, advise him nicely that if you need to choose between celebrating your birthday with your aunt or his parents, she will take priority every time. Let him know that you will be paying her share every time.
Think carefully about your fiancé calling you cheap ....... and if you are okay with his opinion of you. I'm not sure if I would like the man who is supposed to love me to bits to be hanging such a label on me.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (6 October 2015):
 Man what a miser. It is a meal, your b'day and your aunt is family. I'd pay him back with the comment that you were glad it wasn't as expense as the time he took ….(insert ex's name) and parents….to …..(insert restaurant name.)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 October 2015):
I think your Fiance is being a total dill-weed. Your AUNT is an important person in your life, someone you love and care for. Someone who LOVES you back and care for you. She is family of the "good kind"! He should TREAT her with respect. And the lady is 90! It was YOUR birthday dinner, which means YOU get to pick whom you want to share that meal with.
I would write him a check for her part in the meal and half the tips. Because he is being petty here. And I would not accept him refusing the take the money.
As for the comment about his mom, well she IS right, but it might not have been the classiest thing to say. My guess is your Fiance is kind of sensitive about his mother's weight and any comments thereabout. But again, you aunt is a sharp lady, but she is also 90! I have YET to met an elderly lady who doesn't speak her mind. I think it's one of those PERKS old ladies love the most about growing old. They can say whatever they want. You aunt is NOT a vulture (she gains NOTHING from your MIL's death does she?) she is just not a soft-spoken little mouse of a lady.
As for where he took his ex - it's irrelevant.
I would NOT start to leave your aunt out of the events of your life. INVITE her, but PAY her share. That way.. he can't "bitch" about the cost. After all SHE is there for you - so you paying would be A - OK.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2015): No, don't offer your fiancé a check when it's all been said and done. But, he's your fiancé, so at this point you should be able to ask him point blank what's bothering him. See what he says first before deciding anything.
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