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*andy1962
writes:I am dating a widower. He was my first love 35 years ago. I was always on his mind. Our parents are friends and he was my first so he claims he has loved me for all these years. His second wife died 11 months ago. They were married 16 years. He has three stepchildren that are her kids. When her kids first met me, they were polite. Then it got back to me that they were telling horrible lies to anyone that would listen. I can not imagine a future with him where they are still in the picture. He isn't that crazy about them anyway. However, he refuses to correct them r defend me to them. He does not want a conflict. However, he says I am his future. My family is loving, kind and supportive. His parents adore me. The stepchildren are not even that supportive of his widowhood. Why can't they be happy that he is getting hole again. I want him to speak up for me.and also, I think they need to go. This is not helping our relationship. Please advise. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2015): OP doesn't just like an idea of kids, she does mind the kids being mean to her.,Op, I don't know if you can insist on him totally erase them from his life, -6 years is a long time. But to straighten them out ,,yes. They need to be polite and respectful of you and their stepfather descisions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2015): You want the kids out of the way despite a sixteen year relationship with him.You have no awareness of what other peoples relationships might mean to them and only see them as someone who stands between you and what you want.This isn't normal even if you are giving out freely.People normally try to be a little more sensitive to others feelings as they commit further into the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2015): off the cuff i would say that you are extremely selfish.You lay your claim to him on the fact that you were intimate way back in the day and despite 16 years of marriage and three kids you were always on his mind.I really fully doubt that this is so.You should know that unless you wete suddenly and unexpectedly incarcerated after your first experience, then life woud have ultimately moved on and new babies have a way of blitzing all else bar the basics for some time.Did he never have children of his own,but even if he were in fertile i can honestly say that you wouldnt have been on his mind for sixteen years of marriage, so you are extremly lucky that you have an easy going i-dont -want-to -make -a -fuss kind of guy because if he did i think you would lose out.What did you do in all those intervening years.I very much doubt that you sat on the fence waiting for him, so i would suggest you become less possessive or literally cut out of the relationship and walk away.He is also fairly recently bereaved and you are quite possibly a rebound association because there are seven stages of grief and he is doing extremly well to be even dating.Unless of course he wanted to get rid of the wife,pretty much the same as you wanting to get rid of the kids,but even if he couldnt stand her and the marriage was all shiw,i would say its still very early days and you need to slow down q bit in order to take stock.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2015): Maybe to a young person 11 months would seem like a very fast recovery from widowhood. Try to give the kids the benefit of the doubt for a while to see if they can get more used to the idea of their stepfather getting a new girlfriend. If they are worried about money that would be too bad. After the probate issues are decided, I would think he can draw up a new will however he wants, and leave some money to the step-kids if that will smooth relationships over. If he wants to or not is his decision, always was. (I assume the money in question was his before and not their mother's?)I think you will have to insist that your boyfriend have a frank discussion with them about the fact that dating you is his decision and that he requires them to at least be civil and not slander you to mutual acquaintances. And he will have to carry out any consequences of not abiding by these wishes. If he wont do this for you, I don't think your relationship will work in the long term. You should come first before adult children.Hope this helps, and that everything works out for you both.
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reader, Mandy1962 +, writes (5 October 2015):
Mandy1962 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you hit the nail on the head. He is only close to one of them. But there is a great deal of money at stake. He was leaving half his estate to the late wife. She died first. His lawyer is arguing that the agreement is then void but a probate judge is deciding. Also, I am much younger and more worldly than their mother and come from money myself. I am sure I threaten them. He work friends have said awful things about her. He was had her connonized in her heart. I agree, they are irrevelant to our lives but I suppose they are the only connection he has left to his dead wife so he still sees them as those he should care for. I suggested therapy. He agreed. And what I am needing is for him to say that their negative comments are not needed and he promises to tell them he does not wish to hear anymore. Hopefully, that should help me. Dating a widower is difficult and complex. I need her o stay dead and to go away. That will never happen. Thank you for responding.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2015): How old are the kids? I am assuming they are in their late 20s, early 30s? If that's the fact then he met them when they were teenagers. This is kind of strange to me.,if he didnt raise them but met them at the age that they were almost at the stage when parenting while still there is not that totaly domineering as you do with very small children, I am surprised that they are so much involved in your boyfriend's life at all. Or that he lets them to be involved in his love life. Unless they established some kind of unbelievable bond which happens very rare between step parents/ children unless he raised them from a very young age. What is the inheritance situation? Were the money left to him solely? And then it would be split between 3 kids? Were any money left? If money is involved that may be that's reason why they don't really like the idea of any woman. But going back to your question: the situation is a total responsibility of your boyfriend. he is the one that needs to tell them off. And nly him. Too bad he doesn't like conflicts. This ne he has to resolve.
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