A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am going to try and make this as brief as i can rather than going into too much detail. As i feel tired with the mental fustration of it all, going over and over with my partner about it, and in my own head. I guess i could really do with an outside opinion, looking at the situation an cannot judge. I worry for my future and whether i wil be making a mistkake staying in the relationship that i am in. I need something to happen to help me make a decision! I just cant make one!! I wil be 33 next month and i would love to have a family and be settled, and i know if i do really want children, i cant be wasting anymore time, or do i just go for it and have children with who i am with, i just dont know which way i should go. I think about just walking away, and i could meet someone else, but then i think, i may never meet anyone else, or if i do meet someone else, they could have other issues, ie treating me bad, or going with other women etc. But maybe this is not the way to think?THE SITUATIONBasically my partner of nearly 4 years now, has gender issues. I didnt know this when we met. Not sure if anyone has ever heard of this before, but he has some level of gender dypshoria, or gender identity disorder. Which is where at times he feels he is wrong and belongs to the opposite sex which is female. Mainly first thing in the mornings he will wake and he feels, he needs to dress as female and take on the female posona. He says he doesnt feel constant discomfort with himself as a man, but sometimes he does. Comes and goes. He has never had the discomfort in his genitailer area in feeling that his penis is wrong, as he says hes fine with this and just knows that this has always been there. But he admits when i get dressed up to go out and stuff, he feels jelous and feels why cant i do this.about 6 months ago i said come on then dress up and lets just treat it as a laugh to try and address this problem. I didnt like seeing him this way, it wasnt nice, but i think what made it worse was that he tried to act differently and put on a different voice. and he wasnt laughing, he was serious, I asked why he is changing the way he acts and speaks, he says it feels right to do as its to look and act as femanine as possible. It caused me stress, knowing how serious he had taken it, didnt like seeing it. He is now suppressing the feelings and just carrying on with life. I have told him that i need to be moving forward and want children, he says well lets have them then, but this issue is still here but not talked about. He said he would not put it in fornt of children. So only this morning i said, whats going to happen with your gender issues. He has basically told me that i have to accept it, and cant i just love him for him, do i not love him enough. He has said he would never want to go down the road of sex change but just want us to find a compromise. I have said well i will give it a try put it in front of me as much as you like, all what you want to do, and see how i cope and how i deal with it. He has already said he would love to sleep with womens nightwear on. How would your mind cope waking up like that. Could you over come it. But what upsets me is that i have said, if i cant cope and understand he feels the need to do it, he can meet others the same as him i will help him, and just not put it in front of me. He says, he needs me invloved as he feels this is a big part of him and doesnt want to be alone with it. He has said to me that maybe in time i can learn to love it, and its the way i have been brough up to think that it is wrong, and to open my mind up a bit more. But, i cant help that its a man i want to be with can i. And if he trying to portray himself as female, how can i like it?? Should i try and like it? Is it something that in time wont bother me? He has said pleny of couples embrace it. And we need to take baby steps with it and could even meet friends that we could go out out with once in a while. I ask myself, if start encouraging him, is this just a progressive thing? He has already said, it would make him so happy if i was to buy him something femanine once in a while and suprise him. His marrage of ten years prior to meeting me, failed because of his issues. He said he took things too far, when he reached 30 he said it seemed to have escalated for him, and he was mainly dressing everyday in clothes that i supose were androgynous, female but not that notieable. All his underwear was female. But his wife left him and this is when he stopped the dressing. He met me about 8 months later. He says he never wants to take it as far as this again as it cost him his marrage.I cant seem to imagine life without him, as i dont know what i would do with my life then! But i think if someone is waking up most mornings and feeling female, this is serious isnt i? Its not just a transvestite that like dressing for a laugh from time to time. Then as i way of reasurring myself in thinking everything could work i fine, i know it is not as serious as one of these transexxuals, that hate there private parts so have a sex change.I dont know what to do??? I need some help and some direction of some sort! My mum has recently been saying to me, as i am not living with him full time yet, but she has said, she is worried about my future staying with him because of his issues, and if i want to have children, i need to be doing something! I know she is right! What do i do, do i move myself in with him, and tell him to do what he wants when he wants in front of me, and see how i cope. But then i say to myself, maybe what he does now, say if he dresses once in a while so im not seeing it regularly, is this likely to change and progress? Does anyone know aboout this subject?I would like to add he is only attracted to women as well i am sure on this as i know some people would think, he obsiously is into men as well then.I ask myself, should i not let his gender issues bother me and try my hardest to accept it. Because i think along the lines of if i had an accident, ie couldnt walk or what ever, i know he would not leave me because of this? If this makes sense?He has said he knows that there are some women that like it.HELP! What should i do!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): Hi April1,
I'm sorry that it has taken all weekend to get to writing a reply. Sometimes I have to think a lot about how to answer. I believe every individual is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. But, I think that I can explain why what I do is successful for me right now. Before I go into that, to answer you biggest question, Yes I would be willing to talk to him. and as this topic has settled to just you and me perhaps it is time we went to private messaging. That is much easier now that you have a registered account.
This answer is as much for him as it is for you. How do I cope with dressing so infrequently. Well, part of it is that that is how it has always been. I have never lived in a situation where I could dress daily. While my gender identity has always been in doubt, I was much older before I dressed the part. Another part of that is that indulging myself in cross gender dressing does not work with my other life goals. Goals like staying married, raising children, Holding a job, Enjoying my hobbies. Those things are more important to me, so I accept society's rules about clothes most of the time.
These days there is a general feeling that if you want it you should have it. Entitlement. It leads to the situation you two find your self in. And a lot of other troubles we see here on cupid. People believe that just because they feel a certain way, that everyone else should just accept that. The logic is flawed. Every one else has the same right to feel uncomfortable about how the person who is in the minority is acting.
To put it more bluntly. I recognize that my confusion over my own gender is part of me that I have to deal with. I don't expect other people to understand or feel comfortable with it.
The other part of what you have both asked is if there are women out there who accept it or even like it, why doesn't April? The answer is that April is not one of those women. April is like the vast majority of women. And as annoying as it is the vast majority of women see that when a woman puts on her guys button down shirt and boxers, it's romantic but when he puts on her panties he's creepy. April would have the right to feel that way even if she wasn't solidly in the majority.
There is a logic problem older than me that has to do with think tanks. It is very easy for a group of people to convince themselves that they are right just because they all think the same. This is compounded by the Internets easy access to people all over the world. You can easily find a group of cross dressing men who have supportive wives, (I used to belong to one)then think that because these men all found supportive partners, that it must be easy to find one. Where as a quick sampling of women here on cupid has shown that all the women who answered were not willing to accept the idea that a cross dressing man could live happily with a woman.
In short. It is possible, and it does happen. It is not common. It is rarely easy.
April, the whole point of this long conversation we have been having is to help you make a decision about him. You want to know if he is going to be there for you long term. The sad truth is that no one gets that guarantee. If you can "not let his gender issues bother you", if he can act out his identity in a safe way, If you are both committed with your eyes wide open to making it work, Then it can work.
I mentioned power once before. Historically Cross dressing men don't leave supportive partners. Some of the reasons for this are likely: Supportive women are very hard to find. She has all the dirt on him and will get it all in a divorce. Together they share a powerful secret, that makes their bond stronger.
You brought up several examples of gender confused men who left to be able to live their dream. My question is, what did they leave? Did they leave a situation where they had to hide their feelings and clothes? The other question is, Did they find the dream. Let's face it it is not easy for a man to live as a woman.
There is more but I have to go now. the forum moderator has been very careful about letting these posts out so it may be several hours before you see this.
-J-
A
female
reader, April1 +, writes (9 November 2012):
Hi Jaeg,
Alot of these people are lving in America that i have spoken to. some say that they got tired of living a life of something they are not and realised that they couldnt live in denile anymore and needed to be who they feel they really are. So they leave their loved ones to live the other life and start transition. Do you see why i am concerned when he says to me he feels female sometimes? But then again you say that you feel its to do with your identity too? How do you cope only dressing 3 times a year, do you find this difficult at times? My partner sometimes has a bit of an attitude of, some women like it, it doesnt matter what i am wearing im stil the same person. He doesnt seem to think that its a big thing for a women to accept. Im wondering whether it could be a good thing he spoke to you, and explained how he feels, and you give your opinion of things from your experience? How would you feel about that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): Yes I understand "sometimes". It is very much the way it is. With me it seems to flow with the natural rise and fall of hormone levels. You should be able to relate to that. Instead of just being reflected in my mood it seems to get wrapped up in my identity.I also worry about your reports of him slipping into fem voice at any time. Yes that does seem to indicate that he is not in control enough to keep a compromise agreement. I don't dress 2 or three times a week. I may wear panties that many nights a week. I dress up in private 2 or three times a year. So the level of What my wife handles is an order of magnitude less. Also the risk of being caught by the kids is much less. As for how she handles that, it would be better for you to ask her. It may take some time to arrange that.Lastly I'm worried about the stories you are reading. If they are true accounts, or if like so many erotic stories you find they are exaggerate fantasies. There is a danger in basing your expectations of future behavior on fantasy. -J-
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): Hi Jaeg,
I think you have hit the nail on the head actually with what i am struggling to deal with. Yeah if it was more about the clothes just liked to wear them from time to time, then we know that there are no major issues. Or future concerns. But the fact he says he feels female most mornings when first wakes up then comes and goes throughout the day, and takes no pride in his male self,and has a strong desire to pass as the opposite sex then this is when i think, big problems. I think mainly because i have been reading stories on this, and people who describe, feeling trapt in the wrong body or who identifies as the opposite sex etc, it ends in a compromise is not possible even though though their wife or partner has accepted this as a part time thing, and they end up leaving their wife and kids, who they say they adore, to either live full time dressing or even transition. And i really dont want to be in this situation. But yes you are right he does want to be with a women only and says he wants kids and to try and live a normal life, but he cant help these feelings he gets that just wont leave him. I asked him the question. If we were not together how often does he see himself dressing. He did say probably not everyday, but maybe 2 3 times a week. But i can bet you all his nightwear would be female. This is what i mean he sounds closer to the transexual than the crossdreser/transvestite.
So can you personally relate to him saying that he feels female 'sometimes'? See this baffles me, why only sometimes, or is it, denile and a battle in his brain because he feels one thing but knows hes another so this then balances out to a 'sometimes'if that makes sense. He has even told me, in the bedroom his fantasies are that he is a women, and we are both lesbians this is what he is thinking about.
How does your wife handle you sleeping in womens nightwear. And do you ever feel or have urges that you need to dress and act femanine?
Must admit, some days he does act different on odd occasions in his manerisms, where he will soften his voice and femanine manerisms, and i think, oh dear what are you doing as it does look nice and if others are around i feel embarrassed. All my friends and family have picked up on his behaviour. My mum always says to me, sometimes he acts normal, then other times he seems strange!
This is what i mean you see, if it is that strong and his desire that strong, then i ask myself, a compromise? is the reality of it, theres bound to not be one?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): So you doubt if a compromise is workable. It is true that he won't change how he feels. What he can change is what he does. The science of behavior modification Can achieve wonders. Do not think that hi is missing something if he agrees to a compromise, at least until you have discussed it with him. He has a strong desire to be in a heterosexual relationship. He has already accepted that that relationship will cost him some freedom. I wonder if you are now thinking that one of the things you can't accept is that he feels feminine, and that he can't accept his male attractiveness. If that is indeed the deal breaker for you then we are about done.I also think you feel all alone out there and it helps to see someone else who has similar problems. I've got to say that I have always had trouble feeling sexy while in male mode. I think I can be well dressed, or presentable. I like wearing suits. But when I am under a lot of stress I will actually need to wear female clothes to sleep. I am aware that I don't look good when dressed up fem, but I feel good.-J-
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): Jaeg,
Thanks for your message. I realise now after alot of thinking and the research i have been trying to do, i know that with someone that is just a crossdersser/transvestite a compromise is most definatley possible. But... when we are talking about a person that has confusion about what gender they are and feel that they belong to the opposite sex and are uncomfortable in their own skin sometimes, this is when i ask myself, could a compromise really work, i have my doubts. Am i kiddin myself. I wish he were just a crossdresser but i know he isnt. He has said to me, he went through a time in his life where if he had to fill forms in asking him if he were male or female, he would leave blank as he felt as though he didnt know. If i ask him is he happy as male, he will say sometimes. But i think the times he is, is when he has other things on his mind and is busy therefore, his gender issues are not on his mind. But he will say he isnt in constant discomfort, comes and goes. Puperty never bothered him either and he cant really remember much about it. But let me put it this way, if i were ti say lets go shopping and get you a nice shirt, and trousers, he would not want to. He doesnt take any pride in his male self in wanting to look good, ie hair and clothes. He has said he doesnt like the look of himself. But i know if he dresses as a women, he thinks he looks good. Unfortunaltey, he doesnt. He is not small build and is quite broad
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): I wouldn't say severe mental health disorder. I've seen both. I've seen strong women live with both and survive and thrive. Of course if one of the partners is consumed with doubts, jealousy and thoughts of betrayal then it could lead to mental illness.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): BIG BIG RED FLAG. Cut your losses and run, dont walk. My best friend married a guy like this and she nearly had a nervous breakdown. It's like marrying someone with severe mental health disorders (your previously knew nothing about) and those are her husbands words. Even he said he had no idea what would be involved over the years. You really dont need this in your life. Its a MASSIVE complication and one which my friend regrets over and over every day. She is not separated and ready to divorce her husband who has so many issues he never knows what he is thinking or how he feels about his gender.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): You are asking all the right questions. You have done your research, you understand the situation. As a man who occasionally cross dresses I'd like to help you find the right answer for you.The first thing I need to address is an inconsistency in his thinking. If we accept that his cross dressing / gender dysphoria is an unchangeable part of his personality, then we should accept that your desire for a Male partner is equally unchangeable. That is probably true. So while it would be wonderful for him if you accepted his ways of dealing with his feelings in any way he wants, it is more likely that some form of compromise will be necessary.Let me give you an example. One Halloween I dressed as a female witch and we went to a party together. the party was fun and my wife enjoyed her time there but when we got home I tried to kiss her while I was still all made up. Her response was eww ick. So I definitely crossed her comfort line that time. This is similar to your experience with him. His use of voice and acting crossed what you were able to handle.So you seem willing to experiment a bit further and he has given you some suggestions. It seems to me that you are interested in keeping him so why not see if you two can work out a compromise that you can both live with. Every marriage has some compromises. He seems willing to restrict his activities in part. You seem willing to try.To answer your final question, What you should do is determine if he is willing to restrict his behavior (most cross dressers can restrict if not stop their behavior) to a level that is short of your comfort line.He has taken a big risk in telling you all about his gender issue. You really have the power at this point and in the future. BTW I like your comparison to a handicap. It is true that his cross dressing will limit his ability to blend in socially. Most people he knows will never know about that part of his life. There will be many times he would like to wear but he will have to restrain himself.There are a few more issues to talk about but this is already long enough.-J-
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (5 November 2012):
 Hi
Check out these to see if they can help you understand,cope or decide
http://www.lightinthecloset.org/WhyDoICrossdress.html
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sexandrelationships/transvesticism.htm
http://www.outlinesurrey.org/?gclid=CNWRiZOWuLMCFSHHtAodHyEAzg
http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/crossing-the-line-20120626-2101c.html
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): You seem to have explained the situation pretty completely. The length of the original post will put off some readers, but should eliminate many false starts and wrong assumptions. I appreciate that you have gone to the trouble to research the problems and learned the right names for them.
So many people have and will assume that having one gender issue he will have them all. In fact the most common question you both will get is "is he Homosexual?"
Among the psychiatric professionals it is now assumed that Gender dysphoria like Same sex attraction is incurable. I will say that it certainly is not likely to go away. That no matter how often we try to change it comes back.
I see that you have accepted that it is part of him that is permanent. What you haven't settled is your own reaction to it. You haven't yest decided if you can live with it.
The fact is that you probably won't be able to change what you are attracted to. Even if you accept that he is allowed to dress up, you won't be sexually attracted to him when he is. He needs to understand and accept that fact. Apparently you are attracted to him enough when he is in Male clothes / voice.
Now that We have covered what is, let us look at what is to be. Your main problem is can you go ahead with your life plans with him. You specifically want to know if it will change over time. It has been my experience that things change. His gender identity will likely not change more than it changes now. His behavior, the visible symptoms of his identity, can and will change based on his priorities.
For example if he, like me strongly wants his children not to know then he will hide it from them. If he wants you to be attracted to him he will dress in what you do accept. While it is possible that he will get more involved in cross dressing, it is also possible that it may diminish.
Behavior is the easy part to change. I will say that total elimination is not likely, but containment is possible. Like dieting, the most successful plans will allow for some indulgences.
OK pause time here There is much more to talk about. If you and the forum accept this so far, we can proceed. I'm answering anonymously because of the sensitivity of this subject. My level of dysphoria is similar to your boyfriends in type but less in intensity. In other words I don't feel as much need to be female as he does nor do I feel it as often.
We have just started to scratch the surface on this. Let me know if you are ready for more.
Just an experienced guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): You seem to have explained the situation pretty completely. The length of the original post will put off some readers, but should eliminate many false starts and wrong assumptions. I appreciate that you have gone to the trouble to research the problems and learned the right names for them.
So many people have and will assume that having one gender issue he will have them all. In fact the most common question you both will get is "is he Homosexual?"
Among the psychiatric professionals it is now assumed that Gender dysphoria like Same sex attraction is incurable. I will say that it certainly is not likely to go away. That no matter how often we try to change it comes back.
I see that you have accepted that it is part of him that is permanent. What you haven't settled is your own reaction to it. You haven't yest decided if you can live with it.
The fact is that you probably won't be able to change what you are attracted to. Even if you accept that he is allowed to dress up, you won't be sexually attracted to him when he is. He needs to understand and accept that fact. Apparently you are attracted to him enough when he is in Male clothes / voice.
Now that We have covered what is, let us look at what is to be. Your main problem is can you go ahead with your life plans with him. You specifically want to know if it will change over time. It has been my experience that things change. His gender identity will likely not change more than it changes now. His behavior, the visible symptoms of his identity, can and will change based on his priorities.
For example if he, like me strongly wants his children not to know then he will hide it from them. If he wants you to be attracted to him he will dress in what you do accept. While it is possible that he will get more involved in cross dressing, it is also possible that it may diminish.
Behavior is the easy part to change. I will say that total elimination is not likely, but containment is possible. Like dieting, the most successful plans will allow for some indulgences.
OK pause time here There is much more to talk about. If you and the forum accept this so far, we can proceed. I'm answering anonymously because of the sensitivity of this subject. My level of dysphoria is similar to your boyfriends in type but less in intensity. In other words I don't feel as much need to be female as he does nor do I feel it as often.
We have just started to scratch the surface on this. Let me know if you are ready for more.
Just an experienced guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Romney and Co hate people like your husband because they are hard to deal with. The world is so much simpler if everybody fits inside little boxes so you can organize them neatly, preferably in groupings of us and them.
The real world, isn't so neat and people exist on ranges from gay to hetero with few at the extremes, rather most being say 70 gay% and 30% hetero and even that varies over time and experience.
Gender identity isn't fixed at either extreme either, you are neither 100% female nor 100% male. And that doesn't have to be related to gay/hetero feelings. Tomboys are the best example of this, plenty are mostly hetero even though they tend to lean towards the male life style.
But while it isn't that odd anymore to see a woman in jeans in a diy store, it is odd for a man to wear tafata to a knitting store. Why?
You say Transsexuals do it for a laugh. Sorry, this just ain't true. Some joke about it but the joke runs deep. Laugh on the outside, cry on the inside. Each case is different but it is a struggle between what your mind tells you and society expects from you. How it is for your husband, that is something only he can tell you but it is who he is.
As you said, no guarantee that if you leave him you will find a perfect mate in someone else. So, how much do you love HIM, all of him.
It can't be an easy to be in love with a man who wants to get into your panties, to see how they fit. For one thing, he will tear the seams... or worse... they will be to big for him.
A couple is two people, making it work, together as individuals. Whether they can make it, depends on how well they can make it work, despite their own quirks and the quirks of the other.
If you read your own story back. What is actually the issue? I mean beyond what society thinks of it or you thinking he doesn't make a very attractive female. What is the actual issue if he would wear female clothes all day, for the rest of his life?
Society disapproves? You feel ashamed because of what others think?
I am not saying that watching a man in drag makes it easy to keep a straight face but can you life with it?
The brutal reality of life is that one day, one of you make be ill and the other needs to wipe your ass as you spend th rest of your life as a near vegetable. Compared with that, cross-dressing is nothing. Or it is.
Does the good outweigh the silly? Is the silly bad for you?
It is soul searching time, what is it that you really want out of live. And you are old enough to know that perfection is rare. Is this good enough? And not just for now but the rest of your life? Including when he is taken to hospital with a stroke in garters?
People are a package deal. You can't pick and mix. So, either take him, or leave him.
Some couples make it work. And yes it helps if you can see the funny side of it. At least he will want to come with you for clothes shopping. He will know just how much it hurts to get a bikini-wax.
It might not be perfect but maybe he can be your girlfriend with a dick. It is still better then your husband being a dick with a girlfriend right?
You need to decide what it is you really want out of life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): Not explaining his interest to you from the get go was naughty of him. He probably secured you first and waited until you were hooked before disclosing. Never a good or honest way to go about things.
Yes the sort of activities hes proposing can escalate. That is why his marriage broke down and it sounds as if he is already heading down that road again with you by trying to coerce you into things you are obviously very uncomfortable with.
Above all, children need a stable upbringing with (ideally) a set of happy parents. If you cant see that with your current partner then i would not start a family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): I'm sorry for the stress this has caused u n I see why ur stressed. I think this guy isn't the person for u. N I think u shouldn't be so set on having kids at a certain time. If it doesn't happen, I'm sure you will make an excellent foster parent. You're settling for this guy even though this isn't what u want. You're settling out of fear that you'll end up with a jerk with worse issues. Your guy needs to be around other queers and crossdresser s he can suppress this urge for only so long, n then what. I'm lesbian n very queer loving. A woman taking on a man persona attracts me to her....although she must be happy with being female otherwise it would be like dating a guy. I probably could date a crossdressing man but never sleep with him. I would be attracted to his womanly beauty. Since ur not bisexual I don't think he's for u. Seeing the "Man" in a woman persona is a total turnoff for some so don't go down this road if already ur feeling apprehensive.....what will u tell the kids when he dresses like mom n come get them from school. How will u explain to your kids or they're friends. Seriously kids are sensitive n a lot of kids can't cope with this once its out. Don't force yourself to like this, its natural for him but not ur natural. You may love him but is this something u want for the next 20 years. What if he meets a friend n they dress up n go to a bar, n he get hit on by guys n like the rush. What if he can't stop dressing. Everyone has issues, true...but now that this is out do u want to continue with him and his identity issues. You must decide n stop settling. You should not have kids with this guy until five years. He needs time to explore his identity.
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