A
female
age
30-35,
*iss_Confused91
writes:I have been in a relationship for three years now and i believe i still love him but im not sure. See he pays half the rent and im a full time student and mom and i been thinking lately that im just using him as a crutch. i really like someone else and im just confused. Can you love someone and still have feelings for someone else or is it that i want out of this relationship to find out what else there is. but im scared that i will lose myself with money problems and not making it work for our son. I mean everything about him gets under my skin lately. i cant even really get turned on by him anymore. but then i think do i really want to go through having someone else to see how we will fit together if we break up. how will my son handle it and what if i mess everything up. or am i just scared to start over?how do i know if im still in love with him or if he is just my security blanket??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): here's the thing: love is a drug. it literally is. when you first met your boyfriend three years ago, you probably got that feeling of butterflies in your stomach didn't you? that's because when you first meet someone you really like, your brain releases a chemical that is responsible for the high you feel every time you're around the object of your affection. that's why people have the honeymoon phase. it's physiological. anyhow, just like any other drug, if you use it for any extended period of time, you inevitably build up a tolerance to it and it doesn't give you the high it used to. this is also what happens with that euphoric feeling of "love." when people have been together a while, that feeling winds up going away because it's effect is not the same on you as it once was when you first met. and a lot of people make the mistake of thinking that means they fell out of love with their partner. wrong. that's when your real love begins. that's when you rely on your friendship and compatibility to get through. i think a lot of people make the mistake of getting married during the honeymoon phase, not realizing that feeling will of course wear off eventually, and what they have in common and a solid foundation is what becomes the important thing after that.so do i think it's natural that you're not feeling that new, beginning "spark" with your current? of course. you'd be crazy to expect to still feel that way with him. do i also think it's normal to bump into another person who peeks your interest? most definitely. you're only human. thing is, you could leave your boyfriend for this guy, have that honeymoon phase with this new dude, and in about six months, have that wear off and be in the same poistion you're in now, wondering if you need to leave him for someone else. what you need to decide at this point is if you think what you and your boyfriend have is worth holding on to. in my opinion, put the effort into your relationship to make it work. because this will be a never ending cycle for you until you realize love works like this. good luck.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 November 2012):
 Where is your son's father?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): "i believe i still love him but im not sure"
Then you're not *in* love with him OP. You're always sure when you're in love with someone it's a very unmistakable thing.
You're veryt obviously only seeing him as a security blanket. Look at the things you say. Everything about him annoys you, you don't find him hot anymore and you even question whether you even love him. That's pretty clear you don't.
Are you using him for security? Yes, you don't want the hassle of going it alone financially, you don't want to have to date because it's not a stable guaranteed thing and you're worried how this will all effect your son.
Ask yourself this. With no son, your own source of income and there was another guy waiting for you, would you stay with your boyfriend? The answer is no.
So yeah, you don't love him and you're only staying out of security.
Whether you can stay living like that with a guy you don't love, no longer want sexually just because you're afraid of the big bad world of being an independent woman is something you must figure out for yourself.
I certainly couldn't and "because of the child" has never been a good reason to stay in a failed relationship.
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A
male
reader, Young and in Love +, writes (5 November 2012):
 It sounds to me that you are a young woman who is finding the pressures of life to be a bit much for her. I think that because you are around various guys (and I'm gonna assume that the guy you like is someone you see relatively often, and if that's true, pay close attention), you have developed a sort of emotional bond with him. You see him (possibly at school), and enjoy the time spent together. On the other hand, you have a man at home who you're having a rough patch with. The fact that everything he does is starting to weigh in on you is a common sign that there's a problem in the relationship, BUT it also means that because there was a problem, you've subconsciously directed a lot of the negative feeling you have towards him.
Consider these things:
Do you talk about negative things with your boyfriend often?
Doing so will cause you to associate those negative feelings with him because you only discuss them with him.
Do you talk about these same issues with this other guy?
If you don't, then you're creating a cloudless time to spend with him. And if you do discuss the same problems with him, do you go to him with a positive outlook. Just how everything your boyfriend does gets under your skin because you have associated him with negativity, everything you do with the other guy doesn't seem so bad because your hormones are telling you good things about him.
3. Are you discussing your feelings with the other guy?
Talking about all of the bad blood between you and your boyfriend with him will only serve to make you feel he is "there for you" and "more emotionally available," but that's just an illusion. It's always easy to be there for someone who is a friend when you don't have to see it from the other person's perspective. You wouldn't argue with someone and take their side, right? So of course it's easy for him to see you as in the right, while your boyfriend would want to "win" the argument, and adamantly say you're "wrong." Also, if you've told this other guy that you like him, then you've set yourself up to be wooed by him at every turn. He'll present himself as a wonderful guy because he wants you. If you haven't, then don't.
My belief is that most people know what they want when they come here. Some are just looking for people to say what they want to hear so they can assuage the guilt the feel. My ADVICE, however, is that you try to distance yourself from this other guy for a while, and focus on your relationship with your family (boyfriend and son). Kids can put a strain on a relationship, and also give it very little time to improve. Based on your age, and the fact that you're in college, I'd say neither of you were prepared for the responsibility nor the time consumption a child takes up while that young (I'm guessing he's 1-2 years of age).
Try to ask your parents or his to babysit once a week each so you two can get back the spark of romanticizing one another. Get out of the house and see a movie. Go to dinner. Kiss each other long and hard and have some passionate sex in interesting places. Do something reckless to remind yourselves that your still young lovers and not old people who've fallen into a routine of monotony. And most importantly, try to remember the reasons you liked him in the first place (and don't give up and say you can't). Try to discuss happy things with him, and TALK things out with him. Communication! Communication!! COMMUNICATION!!! It's a cliche thing to say, but by God, it's the freaking truth. How often do we get an idea of what the other person's motives are and just roll with it instead of asking what they are? How often do we think we know how someone will respond only to be thrown a curve ball?
But know this...the WORST thing you can do, is to "go through having someone else to see how we will fit together if [you] break up" Absolutely not! If you cheat (even just emotionally) with another man, one of two things will happen. Either you'll find that you like him, leave your boyfriend, and be seen as a cheater and harlot (and a plethora of other mean things) who broke up the family, or you'll see you messed up and are in love with your boyfriend, and he'll either find out (ruining your relationship with him and your son) or you'll feel extreme guilt.
Let this other guy go. I hope you haven't acted on any of these feelings, but I'm telling you, I've seen this happen before. I've had female friends cry themselves to sleep because they did the exact same things your thinking of doing instead of following the advice I'm giving you. And I think you owe it to your boyfriend, your son,a nd yourself to give it an honest effort to work things out. Your hormones are messing with you. They're itching for romance and closeness. Just try to direct them to the father of your child before you direct it to someone else. It's not too late to rejuvenate your relationship. I sincerely hope you follow my advice. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (5 November 2012):
 I think that you are in this relationship for all the wrong reasons, and i think that in your heart of hearts you know this is true as well. He brings security to the relationship by helping out with things financially providing a sort of comfort blanket for you. But this is not enough to keep a relationship together, your already looking elsware, but you won't make the leap because your affraid you will lose yourself in mony problems. Personally i think you have got to take the bull by the horns and end this relationship, its the right thing to do for all of you. The longer you leave it the harder it will get so do it now.
Good luck
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