A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid I was living abroad the last 5 years and only this year i came back to UK, when i was abroad I met an Arabic guy and we developed a friendship, he is unlike the majority or Arabs he is kind of wild, out going and he loves a party as much as i do add to that he is not religious, we were friends for about 3 and a half years, we go to the beach together, we eat together and hang out together, he is truly one of the kindest people i ever came a cross and he took care of me when i needed someone to take care of me he was always there, after those 3 and a half years my apartment letting contract ran out and my landlord wanted more money to renew it so i decided to leave and my best friend wasnt too happy with his roommate so we got a house together and moved on, everyone that i know was telling me that it is so clear we are in love with each other, i didn't see it i only knew that he is an important part of my life and that i enjoyed doing everything with him, actually if i am very honest we have never been apart, from the minute we woke up to the minute we fell asleep we were together even when he went to visit his other friends he will take me along and i will do the same without thinking. One day i woke up and i went to his room he was still asleep so i got under the covers and hugged him and fell a sleep again and when i woke up my head was on his chest and his arms were wrapping me and i never felt more safe than i felt this moment it was like i can hide my self in him and he can protect me, all those years he never tried to get me to sleep with him and that day i wanted him so much... It was out of the blue feeling one minute he is my best friend the next he is the only guy im interested in, that morning when i wake up he was cuddling me and i tried to sleep with him but he refused to have sex with me and he was shocked and i was insulted! I thought i felt his love for me, i wasn' wrong he was mad about me but he got scared he will lose me as a friend if he acted on what he feels.. Anyway i got upset and then i seen in his eyes how much deeply he loves me, that night he treated me very well and we had amazing sex it was weird it felt different it was passionate and hot and my heart was beating.. And oh the joy !! Making love beats wild sex any time.. Anyway, we became a couple and it was like a dream, we were so happy and life was perfect.. This went on for a year and then i had to come back to UK for family matters and he went back to Jordan his home country and we agreed to meet in a couple of months to get married, as he is a non European country when he applied for a visa to come here he was refused because he didn' obtain all documents the embassy asked him and then his mom got really sick and she went to intensive care and we were put on hold for further notice, we talk everyday and we text all the time and we skype at least one hour a day if not 3 hours because we like to sea each other, now it is hard for him to come to UK specially with the government making it hard with immigration rules, he want me to move to Jordan and live there, he doesnt want to try again and come to Uk he doesn' like the weather and he doesn' want to leave his family incase his mom passed away he need to be there for her specially with doctors saying she doesn' have long to live.. He cries for me to go to him, he looks shattered and broken and sad and he says he find it hard to live day after day without me, he have his own house in Jordan and a job that can support us both and he wanna get married and have loads of kids. i love him but i don't want to live in Arabic country, i wanna be free to express my freedom in any shape i like and this would be possible there i wouldn' be able to wear what i like or say what i like, the culture is completely different and i am not ready to give my freedom up, i truly love him actually i love him so much i my self struggling to live without him, i miss him it hurts i need him and i am lost, Cupid what do you think i should do, should i move to Jordan and be with my soul mate and struggle to adapt with that society or should i give up on love and stay here in the civilization i know and love and hope one day i will find someone like him and hope i will jave what we have together with someone else although when i close my yes i see him, he is in my heart and mind but i am a liberal girl and muslim rules would bring me down cause all my life i have been wild, doing my thing never doing what i am told.. I don' know i love both of him and my western life style and i cant have both i have to choose either love in a wrong place for me or the right place for me without love. please Cupid my mind is foggy and this is why i said a lot here so you can give my mind some rest and think for me... Ruby
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Dear OP have you ever read the book "Not Without my Daughter?"
they made a movie of it with Sally Fields a while ago.
It's a true story of how a married american woman went for a visit with her then husband from America to his birth country (not sure which one) and she could NOT leave. He would not let her go... finally he said.. ok YOU GO the child stays...
she would not leave her daughter.... she had to sneak out of the country with nothing using the help of total strangers.
your words "I don't want to live in an Arabic country" are all you need to read over and over....
as a woman I get it. as a middle aged woman who pretty much did what (and who) I wanted, taking risks that may impact on where you can live and what you can wear and who you can talk to... NOT worth it....
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Intrigued 3000, with all due respect, easy for you to pursue evolution... from Canada.
If you had contracted an Islamic marriage in Jordan, spiritual evolution would not be the first of your concerns, you'd have other stuff to think about first.
Like, how to leave the country if your husband does not want you to ( so much for " if it does not work, you can go back " ). Did you know that by Jordan law a married woman can obtain a passport , and travel abroad, only by written consent of her husband ? . What if he says , no dearie, you ain't going anywhere ?
Or, what if he says, ok, go. Civil, amicable divorce ( no mandatory alimony or economical privisions though, it's all on his good will ). She'll have to leave the kids behind, though, even if they are babies - no tribunal there will let a foreign non Muslim woman have sole custody of Jordan,Muslim kids outside of the country. If her husband says, you go, the kids stay - she risks not being able seeing them again till they are 18.
Taking risks may be empowering and stimulating , I don't doubt it, but it should be based on a more aware, informed evaluation of the risk factor ( pros and cons ratio ) than the OP seems to have .
Ultimately it will be her choice, but it needs to be an open - eyed choice. In other words, be sure you read ALL the fine prints before you sign on the dotted line.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 March 2013):
 I'm coming on this question agreeing with CindyCares. I think the sacrifice being asked of you is too great. Your self-esteem and self-image will erode and you will grow resentful of him for all that you have given up.
There may be women who have successfully managed the transition, however and if you feel you want to pursue your research into moving I would seek out the women's expat groups in Lebanon and have some frank conversations with them.
You're not giving up on love altogether, that's a pretty dramatic statement. You're just giving up on a wonderful guy who turns out to be what we used to call "GU," or geographically undesirable. Of course, if you choose to refuse to entertain the thought of another love in your life, no doubt, that is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your choice.
Not to be too crass about this, but if his mother is so mortally ill, then when the time comes that she does finally pass away, he could reconsider trying to move to the UK.
Another solution is to move to a third country where you both would be strangers to the culture, and one in which you both could express yourselves in the way you desire. There are expats like that all over the world.
Anyway, I would not move to a culture where you'd have to give up so much. Especially if you have children and ever wanted to leave. I don't think those stories end well.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (6 March 2013):
 Cindycares, with all due respect, we are not as young as you think we are. We just realize the valuable life lesson of taking risks, espcially at a young age, because when you become middle aged (like I am), too safe a lived life is more dangerous to our emotional and spiritual evolution.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 March 2013):
Only dissonant voice in the choir , I'd tell you , no, don't do it. At least,look long and hard before you leap.
Muslim countries aren't exactly the best place for a "wild ", freedom loving girl, and Jordan isn't exactly socially forward on women issues and their place in society. True, the King in recent years has made enormous, almost unbelievable , and very admirable investments to promote culture and education for both sexes and in all social classes , but these " cosmetic " touch ups haven't really cut deep into the texture of a very conservative ,maschilist society. You look at the pictures of beautiful Queen Rania with her very Western designer clothing , and think " how bad can it be "- she is the Queen, for an average woman it can be bad, real bad.
Married women wear niqabs ( the FULL veil, not only the headscarf )- it's not exactly mandatory but that's what is proper, recently a CHRISTIAN bank clerk has been fired on the spot for refusing to wear one. If your " wildness " refers to alcohol or drugs, totally forget about it, you'd end up in jail in no time. As a married woman you'd have much less freedom than a single girl, ( who already can't exactly do as they please ), you would not go anywhere on your own. Maybe you'd be pressured to convert and , even if you aren't, you'd be expected to live according to the countless, oppressive rules of a good Muslim wife . I would not count much on your husband being a wild and independent type, they are all wild and independent abroad, out of parental and social control, once they are home in a deeply religious society, they have to fit in and conform , if they want to live there. You'd be married
according to the local laws who offer you absolutely no protection or guarantee in case of contention ,spousal abuse or divorce, and " if it does not work you can go home ",... easier said than done. You'd have no saying in the education of your tons of kids, and if you divorce they'd be authomatically assigned for custody to their father once they reach age 9.
I'd really think it over very well, before following your heart, it is an absolutely different, and for a Western mind, absolutely weird lifestyle , that would require a total mental makeover and an humongous adjustment effort to any Western woman, imagine to one who prizes her freedom and " wildness ".
The posters who say " follow your heart " work on the assumption that the most important , the ONLY thing that can give you happiness is love, meant as romantic love.
I suppose they are all relatively young. Let a few years , at most a couple of decades , pass and they will realize it is not so. There are other things as important as love, perhaps even more. Like freedom, independence, and the possibility to be true to yourself and to live a life that reflects your true self with its own aspirations, preferences, values and needs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): Go with your heart and I hope he keeps his word and marry you as premarital sex in an arabic country is frowned upon. I would caution that even though you going to follow your heart, dont close all doors in the UK as you need to be sure that this guy is a keeper and living there is something you can manage. SO go for it but remember keep your options open, should things not pan out, you can always return home with minimum challenge in starting from scratch.
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A
female
reader, BeeHappi +, writes (6 March 2013):
Aah! Who said romance was dead. My advice is to follow your heart. You two sounds like you are so in love.
I think you have made up your mind already.just go to him and follow your dream....
Best Wishes!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 March 2013):
 My vote is yes. Don't have load of kids though, I hope he is just exaggerating. Standard of living is high in Jordan. Maybe when your kids grow up they can study in UK, so they get the best of both cultures. You have been there for 5 years so it's not like you don't know what to expect. When you become a mom it's a new lifestyle for you anyway. Your boyfriend is not religious so it's only his in laws that you have to put up a show a little. Does his parents know about this and are they thrilled that you are European?
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (6 March 2013):
I'm a die hard romantic. If you say that you're a wild girl, then being with him in Jordan could be one of the wildest things you ever did. If you don't follow your heart with this one, down the road you will always wonder "What if". I say take the risk and see what it will be like to live there with the man you love. If it does not work out then it does not work out, but you at least have to try. I know that there are lots of bad stories circulating about living in a culture like that. Why don't you talk with some people who moved there to be with there husband. Find out from them what it's really like. Who knows? Maybe you will adjust and eventually learn to love it there.
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