A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Alright, this story is a lot of background and not much happening now - I'll try to keep it brief.I moved to this city 4 years ago. Just before I did, I met a man (let's call him Thomas), and left him behind in the other country. We were friends but not close - it didn't matter. In this city, I met another man (call him Steve) and developed feelings for him.Over the summer I went back to the other country and through turmoil and a lot of heart wrenching stuff I became close to Thomas. We started a relationship. I came back to the city and left Thomas behind, thus beginning what has now been a two-and-a-half year long distance relationship. It's been hard, but I've stuck with it.Thing is, I always thought my feelings for Steve would go away, but they never did - they got stronger and stronger.Last summer Thomas and I got married, preemptively, after the UK Border Agency said they didn't believe we were genuinely committed to each other. Now he's my husband but they are still rejecting his visas and he isn't allowed here at all. He's never been to this city and doesn't know anything or anyone here who is important to me. Meanwhile my feelings for Steve are now bursting at the seams.Yesterday a friend of mine, and Steve's, who's never met Thomas, confronted me saying Steve and I are clearly "madly in love" and "joined at the hip" and that I should get real and divorce Thomas to be with Steve. I'm kind of annoyed at her as this is none of her business, and yet she has a point. I was set to move away from this city, back to the other country, in July. I tangled my family up in the thing as well.Right now, what I am thinking I should do is return to the other country and be with Thomas, and give that a chance to live without the constant pressure of distance plus the proximity of Steve. So stick to the original plan, but with a twist - if, after 6 months of living there with Thomas, I still can't stop thinking about Steve, I should leave Thomas and come back to this city to be with Steve.The following things are what I've taken into consideration to make this decision:*My life is very compartmentalized - when I am in this city as compared to that country I feel like two different people. Hence it is quite plausible that I am truly in love with both men. However, my feelings for Steve are right now infinitely stronger than those for Thomas - whenever Thomas writes or texts, or I see a picture of him, all I feel is guilt. On the one hand, I know that I feel love for Thomas when I'm with him. On the other, I think about Steve more while I'm with Thomas than I think about Thomas while with Steve, if that makes sense? But I don't know, because I can't have a conversation with the version of me who lives in that country. (that sounds insane)*I really have tangled my entire family up in this - suffice it to say my nearly immobile grandmother has decided to live out her final days with Thomas and I and is going there in like 2 weeks to live with him and wait for me - this makes me feel HORRIBLE.ON THE OTHER HAND: I haven't spoken to Steve at all and I'm sure he would be shocked to know I am even considering leaving Thomas for him. I'm thinking I won't tell him, but this is very risky for obvious reasons. I still have no confirmation from the horse's mouth that he has feelings for me (though he obviously does), or that he'd want to be with me if I left Thomas. I don't know if it is reasonable to talk to Steve and tell him what my plan is or if that would be doing him a grave disservice - I may, after all, decide to stay with Thomas, and Steve deserves the right to get on with his life rather than being wrapped around my little finger until 2012!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Right. This is all coming to a rather surprising conclusion.
I spoke to Steve and he says he's not interested at all (nobody believes him, he has 200 reasons to lie, but I am just going to take him at his word - it's the only thing I can do). Meanwhile 2 days after that I'm still not interested in trying to make things work with Thomas. I even stopped wearing my ring yesterday. Now I just need to tell him it's over.
They often say when forced to choose between two men you end up choosing neither. That seems to be what's happened here.
Very interesting. But I ironically feel a lot better...
OP
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): Thanks again - that sounds like a good ideaI came clean with Thomas over the phone because he wanted to be all intimate and such and I couldn't handle it, haven't broken it off with him but I told him I need to figure this out for myself. Going to talk to Steve next week (we've a big conference on this weekend, he doesn't need more stress yet) and my dad, and my counsellor, and get all their feedback too.. but I probably should fly to Africa for a week or two just to make sure I'd be doing the right thing. Assuming of course that I CAN fly to Africa.I'm leaning towards Steve at the moment... somewhat naturally, to be honest, but I'm so afraid as this is already causing lasting damage to my marriage and I haven't even spoken to Steve.My best friend says as long as I'm completely honest to myself and the people around me it'll sort itself.I'll keep you posted - thank you for your help. I'm so afraid...OP
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 Alright sweety...
Thanks for the answers :)
It looks like you trust Steve a lot.
You've been in a 2 and a half yrs LDR with Thomas.
Things have might changed.
I would say... Talk to Steve. Ask him (playfully,seriously...however you think it's right) how much he likes you. Is it more of a friendly/flirty attention or he's very passionate about you...?
I just feel you're gonna miss Steve a lot more if you decide to live with Thomas. Steve is more of a person in the present,while with Thomas you remininsce the good times you had.
So,get this answer from Steve...then go on a trip to Africa and meet Thomas. Just visit him for a few weeks,but do not move there.
Once you have seen BOTH MEN RECENTLY, your mind and heart will reach a decision.
Let me know how it goes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): Thank you mizz.butterflies!Here are the answers to the questions:1) Will this "moving to the other country and coming back" continue? Is it something that HAS to continue,because of work,or you can actually CHOOSE where you want to live?At this point I can, for the first time in my life, because I'm graduating in July - and I don't actually have a job anywhere. I've been financially dependent on my parents, and in fact, so has Thomas - who was raised in an orphanage and has no parents of his own (this contributes to my guilt pretty badly as you can imagine)2) Where does Thomas live? What if he's never allowed into your country,will you be able to live at his?Yeah, I lived in his country before I moved to this one, and I'm not from either. I could easily live there - it's a country in Africa although I don't want to say which one for anonymity reasons :)3) What is the level of intimacy between you and Steve?Very high - he has the spare key to my flat (and he carries it on him, even though he never lets himself in without my permission); I have his credit card number; he has a spare copy of my student card so he can get into the university library; we have all each others passwords. Sexually, however, it's not there because he knows I'm married and he is very respectful of that... yet when we're in a public meeting, we're happy to sit and whisper right in each others ears in a highly intimate way. If that makes sense?4) Is Thomas completely in love with you? How do you communicate when you're apart? Do you own a house together or you stay at his?I believe he is - he says and acts like he is. When we're apart he does most of the communicating, initiating calls and texts etc. He's been staying at a friend's house (he has no income) but he literally days ago put down the deposit on a new flat, where he and I and my grandmother are due to live...OP
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (26 February 2011):
I read the entire question and it probably is the most serious/interesting on the site right now.
What you're going through is extremelly hard. You're caught in the middle. It's confusing,so I'll ask you a few things.
1) Will this "moving to the other country and coming back" continue? Is it something that HAS to continue,because of work,or you can actually CHOOSE where you want to live?
2) Where does Thomas live? What if he's never allowed into your country,will you be able to live at his?
3) What is the level of intimacy between you and Steve?
4) Is Thomas completely in love with you? How do you communicate when you're apart? Do you own a house together or you stay at his?
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