A
male
age
51-59,
*uma
writes:I'm hurting and I don't know what to do.I was married last year to a woman who is difficult. I knew this going in and hoped that she would become a kinder person. I endured physical and emotional abuse from her, but the frequency of the events appeared to diminish. Eventually I ran into a woman that I really clicked with. Her name was "Saucy" and she is six years older than me. Her personality was identical to mine with subtle differences. We could talk for hours on end. When I touched her I felt the most powerful electricity flow though my body. I had never felt such a thing before, I had never been so attracted to anyone. I found myself wanting to see her more and more and we always seemed to run into each other. Soon it was undeniable and we made love and fell madly in love with each other. I could see myself going to the ends of the earth for this woman. I wanted to marry her and give her children, a feeling I had never felt before. I ignored my wife and she didn't notice. I did not care about her anyway, not like this. I promised Saucy that I would leave my wife when I got a new job so I could take care of her. The job fell through and I kept Saucy hanging on. Saucy gave me six months and the time came and went and then she dumped me. Not in a direct way, but rather she started making excuses and I would ask her directly if I needed to let her go and she would say no. I would catch her in a lie and ask why? tell her she didn't need to lie to me, that I could handle anything. She said she didn't want me to go away but we needed boundaries. Saucy has a bit of an alcohol problem and I would visit a bar to have a beer after work and I'd see her there and she would turn into a different person. We would push and pull each other back into the relationship. I would get angry, she would be sweet and tell me she loved me one minute and the next she would say she never loved me and never wanted to be with me, or to have children. we promised we wouldn't call each other for two weeks and neither of us could stay away. We fought harder and I drove her away with confessing my neediness to her. It has been six days since I've spoken to her. The last conversation we had lasted for hours, on and off. She told me she didn't want me and I needed professional help. Which I probably do a this point, just to sort out this mess in my head. She hangs up on me and later she calls back, she yells at me and says she's going to get a restraining order. She hangs up and calls back. I stop answering and we haven't spoken since. I have no intention of calling her as it will only drive us both crazy.I told my wife the truth and she is crushed. I didn't leave my wife for fear of crushing her and she wants a divorce yesterday. Strangely enough I started to feel like I wanted my wife back, but I know that I'd be torturing myself and her. I truly Love Saucy. I miss her smile and the way we uplifted each other no matter what was happening in our lives. I grew so much as a person when we were together and so did she. I found myself again and everyone who had previously didn't like me began to apologize for their behavior. Every part of my life improved, my health, relationships, self esteem, work. It was the healthiest thing I had ever known. I miss her so much. I feel like every cell in my body is aching. I try to do other things. I've even tried to work it out with the wife because of the feeling of hopelessness. I've tried to convince myself that I hate Saucy for doing this but I can't. I waited my whole life to truly love someone like this. She told me that some older guy who didn't want her was the love of her life and that she didn't want me the last time we talked. I love her enough to want the best thing for her, even if it's not me, should she decide that. I want to believe that she said those things out of anger, because she really did love me. She used to leave messages on my phone about how she truly loved me. I could hear in her voice that she meant it. Was she trying to convince herself? trying to get back at me because I hadn't left my wife? Should I just give up and find someone else? If I do give up I think I should move away to another town. If I can't have her then I never want to see her again. Right now I'm hoping that love will somehow prevail over the situation, the mistakes I made in driving her away, That she didn't mean the things she said and that she was just hurt and wanted to make me hurt so I could feel what it felt like. I don't know what to think, she won't give me an answer about anything. so I resign myself to face the pain in silence. Should I move away and forget her or should I get an apartment here and give her time and see if she comes back to me?
View related questions:
crush, divorce, emotionally abusive, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Puma +, writes (23 November 2008):
Puma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think that I finally understand. Though I still don't know exactly what to do. I now know exactly the type of woman I'm attracted to and I'm gonna spend some time by myself and do some healing. then I'm gonna go out and find a new one, that's better and also I won't be married, which will be a huge plus. My whole life I ran away from the my type and I only really tried with one and that's Saucy. I've ruined things with her and she did her part too. I ruined her reputation in this small town. She is only guilty of telling me she really loved me when it was just a fling, I guess, to her. Finally I can relax and know it's finally over. She had such a hold on my heart and mind. I must have had some power over her too but I've destroyed that. I was obsessed and I will never call her again. Truth be told, if she ever knocked on my door, I'd take her back in a second but I sincerely doubt that. I accept it completely and I'll never contact her again. the lesson she should learn here is don't tell someone that you truly love someone and you want to have their children unless you mean it. I felt like she would have gone to the ends of the earth for me. She made me feel like a King, she would tell me this often. I felt like she loved me so completely and I just fell, and I fell hard. the night before last My wife ran into her at a bar and they had words. The next day Saucy called me multiple times and just screamed at me, never letting me speak, insulting me with angry words. I would just tell her I was sorry and that I loved her. She said she didn't want to hear it. She'd hang up and call back later still very angry and more insults would ensue. Finally I told her that I did not love her and hung up on her. She called back and I wouldn't answer. She left messages saying it was OVER and she never wanted to hear from me again.
I'm so confused. One minute she is kind and loving, the next she accuses me of stalking her, which I'm not, the next she hates me and says she never loved me. I don't know what to think. I left a message on her voicemail telling her I'd take all the responsibility, everything was my fault and that I'd never contact her again. I love Saucy so much and only want the best for her so I'm trying to let go. What is she really trying to tell me? Does she really want me to give up? I feel like this is the love of my life.
A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (21 November 2008):
 This scenario seems to be everyone's story and I wonder if such a thing even exists that two people love each other mutually and will be happy ever after? LOL They love us, hate us, love someone better. The story of cupids arrow piercing the heart of the wrong person. The eternal triangle.
But you said your wife was the unstable one, but this Saucy sounds just as nutty as she is but with more personality than your wife.
You might need to take a break from women for a while to collect yourself and sanity.
From what I hear, men love bi-polar women because it helps them actually feel emotions that are usually difficult for men to express. Maybe love is nothing more than being addicted to intense emotion? I met the love of my life 5 years ago, but he is still in love with his ex and never me. I might never get over this man. (Doesn't help that he lives across the street)
But as with the women you mention, my guy was very hot cold and verbally abusive and thus I force myself to have nothing at all to do with him. He now is ice cold toward me for unknown reasons, (neighborhood gossip I suspect is behind this) and it kills me, but I can't have anything to do with him either because he is so hurtful.... walks into the bar I frequent, sits next to me, barely will talk to me because he is too busy telling the girl next to him how beautiful she is and is she married.... oh well!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): Im sorry to say this but i think you need to get an apartment ALONE. and find out who you are. It sounds like you need someone else to be happy. Learn to love yourself. You cannot truly love someone until you do. Find out who you are, what you want, and when your not looking for it, love will come along. Whether it be Saucy / your changed wife or someone new.
Do something for yourself. Change your life.
...............................
|
