A
female
age
41-50,
*ustlove
writes:I am 27 years old and have not spoken to my mother since I was 16. She married my step father when I was 10 and he began molesting me shortly there after. After 6 years of molestation and rape I finally found the nerve to tell my mother what was happening. When I told her she was blank, she looked me in the eye and said "There is no need for anyone else to know this Jen" gave me hug and walked away. At that very moment in my heart I knew that she had known the whole time. I moved in with my dad and haven't spoken to her since. Just a few weeks ago I received a call from her saying she wanted to get together with me (she is terminally ill with cancer), I have a lot of hatered towards her but at the same time think that maybe seeing her will give me a sense of relief. Do you think it's a good idea to see her? and would it be wrong for me to question her about the past?
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (6 April 2009):
I am so glad you went and even though I feared this is what would happen I am glad you kept your cool.
It sounds like you have some kind of closure on this now, even if it's not the happy ending you may have hoped for.
You have found that blood is not thicker than water and I am so glad it has made you a better mother to your child (whether she is fostered of not she is still your child.)
I'm really happy that you can now move on from this in some way.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, justlove +, writes (6 April 2009):
justlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI met with my mother. My fiance and foster daughter came along for moral support. She spent the first half hour saying how much she loved me and how proud she was that I was getting married. She said that I found a great guy and that my foster daughter seemed sweet. When I asked her if she knew about the molestation and rape she admitted that she knew, I always thought that she knew but hearing her admit it was hard. Knowing that she knew literally made me sick, I can't imagine laying in bed and knowing that my daughter was down the hall from me begging my husband to stop raping her. She actually said that "it was hard for her to hear me crying and begging him to leave". SHE HEARD me crying and didnt even try to stop him. Then she had the guts to ask if she could walk me down the aisle at my wedding. It took all the power in me to not jump across the table and slap her.After all that is done, I am glad I went. I now know that I did the right thing by blocking her out of my life, I know that I am twice as strong today because she was a cowardly bitch that didnt stand up for her own daughter. Aarin is my foster daughter not even blood but I would never allow anyone to hurt her. I will spend my enitre life protecting that child. needless to say my mother is dead to me now, I said my good byes today. When she does dies , (which I hope is alone and in pain) I will not be there, I will not pay respect to her. She showed no respect for me as a child so she doesnt deserve me.Thank you all how responded , I took your advice and I am truely glad I did.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (1 April 2009):
I think if you don't see her and she dies then you will always wonder about whether it would have helped you to talk to her.
I would go, meet up with her. But do not expect ANYTHING from her.
She may still not be sorry, she may still think she was right, she may just want to see you for selfish reasons. She may just expect your forgiveness because she is dying, because that's what happens in the movies. You both cry and say you love her really and it's all ok and she gets to die happy.
What ever happens when you see her, keep calm. If you cannot forgive her then tell her but calmly. If you scream and shout, no matter how good it feels at that moment, you will not get the answers to all your questions.
Stay calm, keep your distance, expect nothing and ask her to explain how she could let that happen and do nothing. Why she didn't do anything when you told her, and why she never left him to get you back.
You may still get nothing, and you may have to carry the anger around for life, but at least you will know you tried, and that means you are better than any of them. It means you have never sunk to their level and if you can keep your head held high, then you can do anything.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2009): i totally agree with RCN. I have never had that happen to me by my dad, but my mother is gone. i am 27 years old and my mother died of cancer when i was 9. I know that you have alot of pain built up inside. but if you could meet with her and let her know how you feel in a calm voice show her how good a job that your dad did in raising you. the most important thing is that you get closure and not forgetting but being able to say now that you know how i truly feel about what you allowed to happen to me and that was wrong. if she was on her last legs she probably would not be contacting you. so you know that she know something that she did was truly wrong. no matter how bad you treat someone and hurt people. you will always have to face them again to say i'm sorry for hurting you. Let her go off to sleep know that she(and no she can't make it right now its to late)but she can ask that you forgive her. Honey this is the only way you will be able to move on with your life in peace. and no matter what she has done. she is still your mother and when she is gone it will be totally different than for you to know that she is in another town. my mom has been gone 18 years and i still feel just like it was yesterday. my step father was very abusive to her and to us. i went 13 years after my moms death before speaking to him for the way he treated us and her and she was dying with cancer. but i had to let him know how i feel. it will take alot off of you for you to let it out. not raging by CALMLY
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2009): First off, I am truly sorry for what you have suffered. Here goes: I think you should agree to meet her because you may regret it later. That being said, she has wronged you HORRIBLY and that hatred you feel towards her is completely natural. So when you see her be honest about your feelings (well don't punch her in the face, dude) in a constructive way. Make sure you have a network of support around you at this time. It's not going to be easy, I'm sure, and you're going to want a friend to lean on.Well that's my 2 cents. Best of luck to you. I mean it.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (1 April 2009):
 It's up to you. If it were me, I'd get together with you to find closure. You don't want to have her gone, and not have the opportunity to close this chapter and pain you've been going through.
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