| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi all..I posted this question a few weeks ago http://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-you-think-i-can-make-things-work.htmlWell now, thing is that my (ex) lover and I had a very productive conversation recently (over the phone) and we got to say some important stuff to one another. We talked for about 2-3 hours and we both yelled and cried and got to vent.. and I think it was a good thing. It was a very good thing. I was exhausted after the call, so much emotion had run through me. He said to me that he will give my marriage the respect he didn't before (meaning he will keep his distance as will I) and that he understands that I want to give the marriage another go. And that he is really sad about it but wants me to do what I think is right. He said a lot of wonderful things. I am sure he was pretending to be a bit braver than he actually was (I did that too,I had to) but his honesty astounded me. He did say some really hurtful things too, and so did I. We were both honest and direct and just - well, ourselves really.Now the thing is... he wants to meet up to gain- yup, the c-word. Closure. I don't know if I can do it. We did say plenty on the phone already but I suppose he thinks that it sort of makes it "official" if you do it face-to-face.Now, if we were to do this, I don't want this encounter to f**k up anything. (My marriage is getting better, slowly but surely, and whilst I am sure some of you may think it cannot ever be good again since I didn't tell my hubby about the affair, it is a choice I made and I am sticking with it so please refrain from judging my dishonesty and help me with this closure thing. )I wonder if I am fooling myself to think that meeting up will resolve anything. Does that kind of "meeting-up for the last time to finish things properly"-stuff ever really work? Am I just subconsciously seeking for an excuse to see him again, and yes, is he doing the exact same thing? I do miss him and I fear that seeing him would just stirr me up more and delay the healing that has now gradually started. Something in my mind keeps thinking that he might be initiating this meeting to talk me out of my decision and asking me to choose him instead of my hubby. Even though he was being so altruistic and understanding over the phone, the love between us hasn't gone anywhere just yet and I worry that he might make one more effort to make me change my mind. He knows that I still want him. I know that if I was to meet up with him, it would have to be in broad day light, in a public place, with no chances of getting sentimental. BUT- he still has a hold on my heart, I will not deny it, and I am worried that this meeting would just add fuel to the fire that I am trying to put out.He thinks that meeting up would be good for us both, he believes that we should talk things through in person in a rational manner but can that happen? Does anyone have any experience of such a thing? Does this kind of closure really exist?
View related questions:
affair Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): Hi again and thank you all for your replies.
I have to say that your feedback confirmed what I already knew- I suppose partly I was, in fact, subconsciously looking for an excuse to see him- and partly had the naive belief that meeting up would cross the t's and dot the i's in this ending it all officially-contract.
I thought about it all last night and got no sleep - but did gain a lot of clarity. This morning he sent me a text, saying "remember, no matter what, I will always love you." Sure-a part of me wanted to reply with the same words but I did not. In my reply to him I stated that meeting up is not a good idea and though I still have those feelings I will no longer act on them as I cannot do that to him nor can I do it to my hubby anymore. I ended my message by saying that if he really does love me he will stop contacting me and keep his distance like he said he would. I know, I know- it's emotional blackmail and also a cliché and all but I had to say it. (And being the romantic that he is, I think I have a better chance getting through to him by using his own language.)
And I keep reminding myself that I made the right choice and I have, as Anon said, a lot to be thankful for. I know it will take a long time to forgive myself for what I did and I have a lot of sorting out to do but I am keeping the faith that I will get through this and that my marriage will survive. It has survived big issues before and in the end there is so much to fight for that I will not give up- I am staying in my marriage because I want to, not out of convenience, as I myself suspected before. I will find my way back to the man I married- I'm on my way there and he is so precious to me that I have no words to describe it.
I hate people who say the following but apparently I have become one of them now: Maybe this had to happen so I would see once and for all what I stand to lose and what I really want.
Anyways, thanks again all of you for the replies, take care!
xx
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (20 October 2008):
 I'm in total agreement, don't risk it. Your phone call is closure enough and will have to suffice. No way is it a good idea to meet up, nope, nada, nix.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): Your age range says 30-35, I really think you know the answer to your own question. If you still care about this guy all the in person meeting will do is add fuel to the fire as you said.
I could understand if all your feelings were completely on your hubby then the meeting would have no bearing on you. But that doesn't seem like the case here. You care for this guy and believe me he knows you do that's why he wants to meet you in person. All I will say is be careful. There's some of us women out here that would love to belong to someone. You already do, I hope you appreciate what you got and don't lose it messing with someone that aint about nothin. I assume this because if he was you would have been left you're husband to be with this guy.
Best Hopes
TF
...............................
|
