A
female
age
36-40,
*lare2011
writes:Should I meet at hotel? Hi, Any advice is really appreciated!Im just out of my only relationship 3 1/2 years and have never really 'dated'. Well i met someone when i was away down the country a few weeks ago, we kissed and me and my friend went to his hotel with his friends for a while. Nothing else happened and we have been texting nearly every day since (2 weeks). So he said he would like to come and visit me, he works a lot of weekends so he asked me to take a day off during the week. I cant do that so i said why dont you come up on a sat afternoon and stay up for the night. he said he will, its not for nearly a month because of clashing days off etc.I was a bit drunk when i suggested he come up and stay, but its a 2 hour drive to where he lives so i thought it best. Anyway the advice im looking for is, is this a good idea? i dont want to sleep with him, it will only be the 2nd time meeting him. Also do u think this is too long of a date to spend with someone you only met once? im not really sure if im doing the right thing?Thanks guys.cnela
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female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 Mmm drinks, weekend, you're sending all the messages that will lead him to think of you as not good relationship material, but a great side salad. If it's what you want then it works for you. That's cool. Just let him know now you'd like a fling and not a long term relationship, so heads up for all. On the other hand wouldn't it be a tragedy if you both hit it off real sweet only to end up a booty call.
Not only that, but you're not giving yourself a chance at anything to grow. Why is that? If he shows up only for 2 hours and you smile with appreciation, believe me, he'll be back. Especially if you hit it off on this second date. He'll be leaving with anticipation and good thoughts, and not in question as to how many other guys you have showing up for a few days grace. Why start off feeding him doubts and lingering questions as to his security? Wouldn't it be grand if for a 2 hour drive (like that's a big deal!) for a two hour chat to find out he's coming back to see you next week. To me, that says way more than a weekend with drinks.
A
female
reader, Clare2011 +, writes (16 May 2011):
Clare2011 is verified as being by the original poster of the question thanks again for all the replys. Cupidus i know what you mean.The problem is i can't do a weekday. Also i would prefer if he was staying up here because then we can have a few drinks. I know i will be really nervous like i said im not used to dating!
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female
reader, cupidus +, writes (16 May 2011):
The best aphrodisiac is politics and until you've tasted that sweet pill, you don't know your power. Do not accommodate him, he wants to come up during the weekday, let him, firstly he'll feel his power because it's him showing you how far he'll go for you, and in his mind, it's all about you right now, give him that. Call him and change the weekend to a weekday.
Tell him, you've made other plans for the weekend period.
This way he's respecting you, not feeling he has to have sex with you, he may not at this point. And you have your power and his power in balance. You are also showing him you have values, nice guys like those, not so nice guys want to throw you off balance. So for the safety of the relationship keep the balance full of respect and clarity. The juggling of politics in a relationship is a precarious position, keeping your name off the tabloids and keeping your opposition at arms length is how you want to play this union until a bipartisan relationship can be established.
If your the right candidate you'll have his vote, but take a look at his track record you may not want it.
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A
female
reader, Clare2011 +, writes (16 May 2011):
Clare2011 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the replys.
Well he was happy to drive up and back just for the day midweek but i cant do that thats y i said sat for the night. And i said 'we' can stay in a hotel. I think the best thing i can do is tell him i wont be doing anything with him. Also what do u think about spending this much time on more or less a first date? any suggestions on what to do? like i have never really been on a date so this is new territory for me!!
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A
female
reader, Clare2011 +, writes (16 May 2011):
Clare2011 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks cupidus.
well he was happy to come up for the day on a weekday which there would have been no possibility for sex. but i changed it to a saturday. so i thought it would be better if he stayed as its alot to drive up and back in a day u no?
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A
female
reader, cupidus +, writes (16 May 2011):
Mmm I'm kind of thinking about the movie "TAKEN"
Seen that? Hotel rooms all have beds, you could call ahead and ask them to remove the bed but I doubt that's going to happen. Best to let this new flame know well in advance that you are not going to jump his bones. If he backs off then you know what he was all about. You can suggest a public place and make arrangements to meet but it must be a public place you are familiar with, not of his choice. Then there is this 2 hour drive dealeo, 2 hours seems hardly a journey where kindred spirits are concerned. I've read that men will climb the highest mountain, swim the coldest ocean, drink the urine of Capuchin Monkeys to reach the women of their fancy. I'd be much more pressed to allow him this opportunity. Testing the waters, placing a thermometer on his intentions. If you make it too easy for him, he'll think you are too easy. Just logical and guys for the most part think logically before anything. So work with it.
Some added advise on safe dating:
Get a full name, not just oh they call me "Rocky"
Get a birth place, the name of his employment, the place he lives, a picture is great to keep you safe, just say you'd like to be FB friends. If you're going to get in their car take a picture of their car and plate number and email it to a friend. Sounds ridiculously paranoid? Think about this, I've had a few blind dates who drove off because they did not want me to take a picture of their car or plate no. Think they're doing time? Probably or still on the run.
Let people know where you are, text, picture, note on a fridge. Know your surroundings, don't go with a man to a place you are not familiar with. If he says I have to drop by so and so's, tell him you'll wait for him and stay where you are. Follow your gut, if it feels strange back off, leave, find a public area. Do not escape to a bathroom, bathrooms are cages.
Men will offer information about themselves if they are comfortable giving it, ask for a business card a phone number or they're email address. A man who is reluctant to give you these simple everyday devices of communication, either has ill intentions or they don't have an address or job or phone. It's as logical and simple as that. Play safe, stay safe.
Also when they phone, phone the number back after the call. I've had women answer, been told its a pay phone, heard message machines voicing his and her's names, gotten totally different message machines with other peoples numbers (clue they're sofa surfing) etc. If the guy answers just make up that you touched the wrong number on your phone and listen to how he ends that call, I've had guys actually get angry I called their number, even by accident. It's all in being a good dating PI, don't let your guard down, the animal kingdom never does it, and we are all animals or a very wild kingdom. Safe hunting.
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A
female
reader, The Girl with the Diver's Hair  +, writes (16 May 2011):
i agree that if you wnat to meet him meet him but do be careful not saying that anything bad will happen but nowadays you dont know who is about and dont know who you are dealing with maybe meet for dinner or coffee befor thinking about hotels and everything gain eachothers trust
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, RosePetals13  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 HI Cnela,
Personally I wouldn't meet him at a hotel. Things going on nowadays just makes me paranoid lol. But if u do want to meet him I'd suggest meeting him in a busy/public place. But if u HAVE to meet him at a hotel tell him to bring a friend or 2 & u want to bring ur friends as well. It's best to not go alone, at least the first time. Be safe & good luck! [:
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 May 2011):
 meet in public.
make sure he knows that you will not be going to his room with him.
my partner is a 2 hour drive from me. I see him pretty much every weekend now... so 2 hours if you have a car and the income to support the drive is doable but frustrating...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): Yes, it typically is far too long a date with someone you have only met once, especially if alcohol was involved.However given the distance, the fact that you've already planned it and corresponded several times since meeting him you could investigate motel prices and local attractions. On top of being helpful it also informs him in a face saving way that this visit is not a sexual adventure and you will not be spending the night.You could suggest some outtings, a place for dinner and add a casual comment about picking him up the next day for another outting before he goes.Do yourself a favour and do not be quick to accomodate his every whim to avoid hurting or embarrassing him. It is his job to court you and to do it effectively he has to know exactly what you want and don't. Start the way you mean to continue.
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A
female
reader, Clare2011 +, writes (16 May 2011):
Clare2011 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks fi the tree
well i said to him 'why dont u come up and i can book somewer for us to stay'
so do u think i should just text him with a few places? the plan was i would stay with him.
He is going to be driving 4 hours up and back so i was goin to book somewer cheap enough in town since he will be spending a fortune on petrol...
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (16 May 2011):
 By all means, if you would like to meet him, then meet him, but you are right to be careful about where he stays, just ask him if he could book a hotel room, and give him some information about local hotels and prices. Plenty of time to organise it too.
When you meet, make sure you meet in a public place and tell family and friends where, when and what time you are meeting.
Good luck hun, don't rush into anything, just enjoy spending time with someone you like
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