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female
age
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anonymous
writes:My partner has one daughter who lives with her mum. When I first met her it was on a day out with her dad when we went to visit her and I thought she had no time for me on that day. I kept my thoughts to myself because I was unsure. About 6 months after our visit to her she came home to visit her dad for 3 weeks. We had been together for over 2 years at this point. On her visit home she showed absolutely no desire to talk to me in any way or on any subject. She knew her dad and I had been together for over 2 years yet she continued to act as if I was not in the house at all. I presumed she resented my presence in her dad's house so I went home to my own house two days into her visit. Her dad and I talked it through and we both felt that he get through her visit as best he could without any questioning of her behaviour. When she left we were both relieved and got back on with our own lives. During the 3 years that she has been away the only time she mentioned my name was to ask her dad on the phone if we were still together and he has always simply replied "yes". That was 3 years ago. Now she is coming "home" again for a visit. He said that before she comes back that she would have to explain her past behaviour. A summary of what her reply was is: 1) I did not realise you liked her 2) I came home to see my dad, not her 3) Why have you left it for so long before saying anything 4) She can't stop me seeing my dad. Her dad has explained to me that her "explanation" of her behaviour was full of inconsistencies. The question is - How do I behave towards her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain thanks for all your replies. I would like her visit to have a positive outcome for all involved. She is over 200 miles away and is coming "home" for a school reunion. Her dad says it would have been better if she was coming home for a visit through choice and not because she does not want to miss out on a school reunion. Her boyfriend was with her when she was last home and he was fine towards me, polite, chatty, talked on a wide range of subjects with me but his good behaviour towards me showed her behaviour up worse. Her dad is convinced that she did the same to the partner he was with before me. When he was with his previous partner he says everything was fine until she met his daughter and then he was dumped. I said he should have told me that earlier. He said it took a while for him to put it together. Her dad says the exact same as eyeswideopen.I dont' know his daughter so I can't say if there's an underlying mental disorder. It's possible that's she's depressed about her life. She is 25, stays with her mum, sees her boyfriend during the week but not at weekends as that's when he plays football, she has a part time job and little money. Her dad tells me that both her own mum and her boyfriend's mum are women who take the "top dog" role and she has to be submissive to both these women. I have often wondered as her role with them is submissive did this have something to do with her behaviour to me? She does have a lot to be depressed about but I don't think anybody talks to her on that level. To babydoll, he has accepted never seeing his own daughter again. I don't like that, it's too big a burden for me to carry. What if she sees me as manipulative? I don't know what to do for a positive outcome. I am not sure how long she is coming "home" for but I think it's a long weekend and it's in July. The difficulty for me is I can't identify the problem. It's a very sad situation.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 May 2011):
 25? she's 25 and acting 10 and being allowed to?
oh no.
she needs to act like an adult
if she can't accept you she needs to suck it up.
sorry she's not a baby even if she's treated like one.
TREAT her with courtesy and respect but DO NOT GO HOME this time if you don't want to... do not let this brat bully you into doing what SHE wants!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): TWENTY.FIVE??? I thought you were dealing with a slow 10-year-old!! YEAH, there isn't much you can or should bother doing other than standing your ground as her father's partner. Don't let her nasty attitude chase you away, it isn't her "home". Let them meet for dinner, visit relatives,etc. alone. Don't waste your time trying to befriend her, seems that her mind is made up due to her own (grown-up) issues that are neither your fault nor your problem. Don't let your partner blame her attitude on her mother, at TWENTY-FIVE, she is accountable for herself and the "influence" of anyone is not a viable excuse. Good luck and if all else fails, make her stand in the corner!
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female
reader, Babydoll86 +, writes (17 May 2011):
I'd like to post my reply to this as im 25 myself and i don't get on with my dad's partner- my parents split long before they got together. I always made the effort with her but she had a vicious jealous streak and made it clear she wanted my dad to herself! Thanks to her now i barely speak to my dad once a week because of this horrible woman and her manipulative ways! Im not saying you are the bad guy, but if this girl feels she is being pushed out she may hold barriers up. It does sound like she is being childish and her attitude is unjustified but i would strongly recomrnd that you keep lines of comunication open and stay possitive. She will eventually stop seeing you as a threat.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 May 2011):
 I think the only way you can expect to have any sort of 'normal' relationship with his daughter is if he and she and you acknowledge that this has been difficult for her for some reason. I would adopt the attitude that she is mildly mentally challenged (sorry to anyone who takes offense at that but it's just a way to approach it) and that she is not terribly socially adept or bright.
Your husband needs to explain to her, clearly and gently, that you are in his life for good and that he loves you, just as he loves her. He would like her to be cordial and polite to you and that means acknowledging you, speaking to you, addressing you by your name and not being rude by ignoring you, being disrespectful and pretending you do not exist. It must be very hurtful to him that she has adopted this hard stance. I wonder what else is going on in her life that she is so unwelcoming and downright rude.
At any rate, in your shoes, I would probably take her aside and tell her that you don't know what went wrong years ago but that you would like to make a fresh start with a new attitude and hope for a truce of some sort. At least you have made it clear that you are willing to act like a normal human being around her and if she doesn't respond, that's her loss.
Does she have some underlying mental disorder?
I can see a great many years have gone by with no one confronting the issues or addressin the situation. Now, it's going to happen and I expect it will be very uncomfortable. Maybe you could find a family counselor to help you through the steps you might take? Even have the counselor there for a discussion and help to thaw her attitude and help you cope with the anger you've felt for the past 3 years?
I have to say your husband sounds a bit hopeless in his handling of the situation. It is his daughter, after all. Go to the family counselor, even if you don't use that counselor's time with his daughter.
Good luck to you on managing this 'reunion.' Three years is a long time to not have seen a daughter. Very sad, all around. Sorry.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Great, let her stay in a hotel and let her pay for it. She's acting like a brat. Be the class act that yoou obviously are and hopefully her visit will fly by. Chin up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your replies. In answer to the various questionsShe is 25 years old now and was 22 years old when this happened. Her parents had been separated for over 5 years before I met her dad. I am not sure how her mother feels about me as I have only met her once. Her father tells me that it's more than likely her mother is behind his daughter's behaviour because her mother would prefer to be the only influence in her daughter's life. I went home to my own house for those days because the only words she said to me were "when are you going back". The emphasis was on the word back. I felt going to my own house was my best option. Yes, she is being asked to explain her behaviour now. The only contact her dad has with her is by phone. In the early days after this he said he tried to take my name into conversations with her but she either blanked it or ended the conversation within minutes. He stopped trying. She phoned him today to say that she will be coming home but intends staying at a hotel rather than at her dad's house because it's no longer her dad's house. He agreed to that. Can this situation be made better?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): How do you behave toward the daughter of the man you love? You show her kindness, and if she doesn't want it you don't push it, you just let her know its there.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 May 2011):
"Her dad and I talked it through and we both felt that he get through her visit as best he could without any questioning of her behaviour." And now she's being called to account on this, is that right?
I am curious how old she is now as well. Also, when did you come into her life as her dad's partner? Before or after her parents split up? Thanks!
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reader, cupidus  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 Her age will rely greatly on any responses, how old is she.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): You don't say how old she is? Sounds like she needs to grow up and accept that her dad has moved on. He doesn't sound much help to be honest though.
Why did you move out for those days? She accepts it or stays away in my humble!
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female
reader, juleka +, writes (16 May 2011):
Hi,It seems that you step daughter still hasn’t got used to the idea of having you around at the last visit. In this situation the best thing to do is to break the ice slowly, firstly find out more about her from your partner her likes and dislikes. Get as much information on her as possible, see if there is any thing that the both of you have in common. Try and make small conversations with her, find out what her favourite food is make an effort and make her feel important. She must be finding it hard as no child likes seeing one of their parents with someone else. She might even resent you a bit, but you must try and handle the situation.When she comes for her visit try and do some of the things that she enjoys, and show her that you’re a nice person once she gets to know you and that you have more in common then she thought.Offer you help when she offers to do something, like clean the dishes, ask her to help you lay the table. Start with small things and build on this. If your partner helps you along the way it will make a big difference.It could be that she doesn’t know how she should act towards you, if you like her. You both have to get used to each other as then this will make both of your lives more pleasant.Take the first step and be brave.
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