A
female
age
30-35,
*ovesagiftkeepitsafe
writes:I dont really know how do put this but here goes. my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and we have a pretty solid relaionship we get on so well and we always have a laugh and joke. but recently (as in the last week) I have been finidng things hard, he really wants me to meet his best friend who's a girl and he talks about her a lot more recently too saying she wants to meet me and wants to become my friend and get to know me. but I`m really jealous of her and I feel intimadated by her I have no idea why as I know it's me that he's going out with and not her.I have asked him if theres any thing going on between them and he says no that I`m just being paranoid as I have been badly treated in the past and I do trust him. but I feel like I`m being forced to do somthing I dont want to do and I dont want to feel like that again. What the hell am I supposed to do, am I supposed to ignore my own jealous feelings and meet her doing something I dont want to do or meet her just to make him happy.I have talked to him about it and he's saying that if i dont meet her he will be upset and I dont want to make him unhappy. other than this one problem we are getting on so well and i havnt been happier with him. I`m just scared that i`m going to lose him over this one person. please help. what am i surposed to do
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 December 2011):
 two things:
1. i want to know my fiance's friends. after nearly a year of dating you don't know his best friend.....unless you have been the one to prevent the meeting, i'd see this as a red flag that he has not wanted to introduce you
and then the old saying:
2. keep your friends close and your enemies closer... you don't have to be her BFF but you should be friendly.
Jealousy is an emotion rooted in insecurity. Figure out what makes you feel insecure about this woman and we can deal .ith that...
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 December 2011):
Mother/girlfriend
Work colleague/girlfriend
Best female friend/girlfriend
Girlfriend/daughter
Yes, men have for years somehow always managed to wind up putting themselves between two women who like him, but somehow see each other as a threat. I'm sure some women have been put in the middle too, but mostly it seems to be men in the middle.
And your boyfriend has wound up in the same position. He's between you and her - two girls he cares for in totally different ways, who probably both see each other as a problem. His friend will see you as, perhaps, insecure and wanting to take him away from her for no reason. You see her as trying to steal him or whatever.
And ALL, because you're not having sensible conversations in some way.
My advice is to meet her. Here's why:
1 - You'll see her, you'll be able to watch her and see how she feels about him. I she is really after stealing him or whatever, it should be fairly obvious.
2 - It will make things a little more comfortable for your boyfriend, who probably feels like he is in the middle and can't do anything about it.
3 - You might even like her once you get to know her.
Those are 3 very strong reasons for you to go see her. You'll know how they act together and whether it's just friendly, or whether there is more. Your boyfriend will hopefully feel more comfortable and not feel so 'in the middle. And you might make a new friend.
If you choose not to meet her, then:
1 - Your boyfriend will start to think you're hugely insecure, and perhaps even controlling.
2 - He will continue to feel like he's stuck in the middle.
3 - This friend of his might start to say things about you that you won't know about.
4 - You'll become even more paranoid and jealous.
Seriously, this is one of those situations where meeting her will do more for you than anyone else. She's not going to suddenly leave his life, so this problem won't go away unless you tackle it head on and meet her. Much, much easier to do that than risk creating a rift and forcing your boyfriend into an impossible situation.
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A
female
reader, JamyKelley +, writes (24 December 2011):
I can see this whole situation from both sides, more one than the other, but perhaps I can give you a new perspective. On the one hand, I would REALLY prefer to never be put in a situation where my husband is pressuring me to meet one of his female friends(though he has done that before, I just toughed it out and did it). I understand that the pressure is being transferred from the friend to him to you and that shouldn't be happening. On the other hand, I am a woman with a best friend who is a guy and now that he's got a girlfriend that he's starting to feel seriously about, I have a really strong urge to meet her. For me, I want to see, from my perspective, whether or not she's right for my best friend. My reasoning for that is, even though he and I can't even think of each other in any way but platonic, he and I have known each other for longer than he or I has known any other friends and I feel like I know him better than anyone else could. We share all our secrets and thoughts and experiences. However, although I really want to meet her, I am not pressuring my friend to put the pressure on her. If and when she's ready to meet me, I will gladly jump at the chance. I do feel, however, that if she doesn't want to meet me or any of his other friends at some point in the future, that she's got something that she doesn't want us finding out and telling him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2011): You've really only got two options:
You can put aside your insecurities, meet her, and see what sort of dynamic your boyfriend and this woman actually have.
or....
You can refuse to meet her because of you feel threatened and overwork your paranoia and negative imagination in a vacuum because you know nothing about her.
I would go with the first choice. Meeting your partner's close friend is par for course when dating anyone. I would also have suspicions about a female "best friend" too, but I think it's all the more reason to show up.
Also understand if you don't meet her and stand your ground, your absence will be explained away as "she's insecure." Be mature, put on a smile, and be proud to be introduced as your boyfriend's girlfriend. Why else would he introduce you? You don't have to be friends with this girl, you just have to meet her.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 December 2011):
 I will probably get shot down for this answer. But my thought is that, if it were me, that I should not have to meet, deal with someone who I am not comfortable with. That's my feelings on that. Just because one person likes aspects of another person does not mean that everyone else will feel the same about that person.
Ask your boyfriend to explain what are the things he really likes about this girl who is his "best friend"? Please try to put the little geen jealously genie away while he talks about her. Try to keep a face a poker player would love to have and give nothing away of your own emotions. And not be judgemental so that he feels free to speak.
However even after he has extolled her virtues, Go with your GUT feeling that something is not right here. especially as he has been talking to her A LOT MORE recently.
Ask him for what you need and you want. And my first request would be that he allow you some leeway because you have had a hard time recently. And not to pressure you, and not to lay guilt on you about not meeting this demand. Because the demand is coming from her, I suspect, and he just feels he has to do it to please her. Well he doesn't and neither do you, need to please her.
And ask him to please pour his heart out to you, instead of her. And to not pressure you to see someone you do not want to see.
I would have thought that YOU ought to be his best friend.
How is it that another girl is getting so close to him? Is it that she wants to check out the "competition"?
And she has enough influence with him to ask him a favor and enough influence with him that he will agree to grant her that favor. And enough influence with him that he would pressure you to accept what she wants done?
No way.
Maybe she's been trying to find out more and more but your boyfriend has not yet revealed enough? Knowledge is power.
Men can be so gullible with a manipulative girl and not see her ulterior motive.
And if she can worm her way into being your "friend?????"
And if she can work her way into lulling you into a false sense of security and become your "friend"?????? then she can ask to join you both more often - that way she gets to see your boyfriend right under your nose more often and showcase her talents in front of your boyfriend.
Three is a crowd. it has always been that way.
How do you know she does not want to assess where she can trump you, flirt with your boyfriend, and undermine you?
I think she should get her own boyfriend and talk to him.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (24 December 2011):
 Put on a happy face and just meet the girl. You're not being forced to be her other best friend. Just talk for a few mins and get comfortable, and if you can't, then at least you did something for your boyfriend that meant a lot to him. I'm sorry if I'm making this sound easier than it is, but this shouldn't be hard for you and this shouldn't become a conflict for you and your boyfriend. So put on a brave and caring face, and just do this for your boyfriend.
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