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female
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anonymous
writes: I am a woman in my mid 20's. I am engaged, and I am expecting to get married to my fiance in a couple of months.This is my problem:A few years ago, just before I started going out with my fiance (who was my friend then), I met this guy. Let's call him A. When I first met him, I was really attracted to him, but I didn't give the feeling a second thought because I didn't know him. As time went on, I heard more and more about him (we had mutual friends), I realized that he was everything I wanted in a guy, like a person you only dream about. But I treated it like an infatuation because, I personally didn't know him, and felt that I was making him what I wanted to make of him. Basically I knew him through others.After years, I met him again. This time, when he looked at me, I felt that same attraction. That same feeling, it scared me a lot. He has this way of looking at people, like he can see right through you. I am still not certain if he only looks at me like that, or if he sees the whole world like that.Eventually, due to circumstances, and the fact we both share the same interests, same goals, same dreams, we see each other a lot more now. That feeling for him has only grown ever so stronger. The worst part is, if there is something called being born for each other, me and him are it. Even though we are both not at all like each other, we both want the same things in life. We are both willing to make the same sacrifices. We are both willing to work for the same things.There are moments when he kids around telling me to leave my fiance or get married later on. I can't determine if he does that because of my ambitions or if he does that because he feels the same way about me. The wishy washy person in me hopes for the latter.In the past I have always been able to shun these feelings away, but now it's ever so hard. I purposefully don't talk about him, because I don't want people to know how I feel about him. Some people in my family have become suspicious. I met him on his birthday, but I purposefully didn't wish him because I didn't want to give the wrong impression. I wished him a zillion times in my heart though.All these feelings sounds like I should be with him, but there are two problems. One of them is that he has a girlfriend. But I know that she comes second to his dreams.The second problem, which is also the bigger problem is that I am engaged to a man that I deeply care about. He is really my best friend in the whole world, and I really don't want to hurt him. His idea of life, and my idea of life are totally different. We both don't share the same dreams, and we both don't want to make the same sacrifices. He loves me enough to compromise a lot for me though. I think I do too. My family also adores him. They have become so close to him, that even though we are not yet married, he has become a part of the family now.So I am at odds now, should I be with a man who I feel is born for me? (Who may not feel the same way towards me?) Or should I be with a man who I care about deeply?It's not that I want to be with A either. It's just that I am troubled by these feelings for A when I am engaged to a great guy like my fiance. Right now I feel like my soul is with A, and my body is with my fiance. I just want help to bring them both together.Please advise,Serendipity
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, pops +, writes (26 August 2005):
If you have any doubts about a marriage, don't marry. As bad as it is to call off a wedding, its worst to end a marriage that should not have taken place. I don't get the feeling that A feels the same way about you that you say you do about him. You say he has a girlfriend. Well, is he going to give her up for you? If not, you need to get your feet on the ground again. But spare your fiance while you do this. Cancel the wedding, and either drop him for A, or get into counseling so that you can find out why you would accept a marriage proposal from one man, and then have a romance with another? Something is not right here.
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