| A
male
,
anonymous
writes: Please help. My partner and I have a great desire to be together. A few weeks ago we went out for a few drinks with her friends and her ex was amongst them. Our relationship was still very new at the time and she'd broken up with her ex for a few months before we got together, but he was all over her! Sure he was a little drunk, but he knew we were together. Anyway, As a result I didn't want her to see him unless I was involved. Since then she's lied to me in order to meet with him. I know that there is nothing more than a friendship between them but she still lied to me! This is not the only lie to surface either. I know there are more, as I have found the truth by other means. I have given her a world of chances to come clean and have given her opportunities to win my trust back, but she still wont come clean on them.What should I do?
View related questions:
drunk, her ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, mhg1022  +, writes (25 August 2009):
The foundation of any healthy relationship is trust.
Once there is a breach of trust it is VERY difficult to believe in that person again. Trust walks hand in hand with loyalty, respect,and love.
I am a middle aged man who prides himself on his honesty and loyalty.
BUT, I have been in a relationship (which is now basically over) for eight years. She STILL lies to me about big and small things. She also lies by omission. She must think that I am an idiot because she is an awful liar.
BUT, I must blame myself for allowing my own lack of self esteem to let her get away with her deception over and over and over.
I think that if you PUT up with it (like I did) you will only reinforce the liars evil ways.
Get tough, Get smart and Get out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): if a woman is dishonest with you from the start then she will always be dishonest with you. If you have not honesty then you will never have trust.
You can tell yourself that it was a small lie and maybe a one-off but eventually you will find yourself questioning the smallest discrepency in what she tells you. Wondering if she is telling the truth when she says she is going out with her friends.
If this guy is her ex then why would she want to be in the same company with him let alone want to meet with him unless she still has a strong affection for him.
Being honest and totally honest here, cut her loose. In a relationship there should be total honesty, the past is the past and thats something you do not need to know about but the present and the future is about 2 people in a relationship that hangs on a slender thread and that thread is woven by love, truth and understanding. Should any of these be missing then the thread will lose its strength and break.
...............................
A
male
reader, epicdrome25 +, writes (5 April 2009):
Let's start off with the fact that you sound like a pushover. I understand its a new relationship and you dont want to have arguments and such But!! You need to let her know your not going to stand for that. That type of behavior will not be tolerated in anyway. My girlfriend was somewhat that way. But I never took any shit from the start. she made mistake after mistake with all sorts of fucked up things. The only reason I stood by her side was because I knew if I could change her ways she was the one. It took 8 months to mold her from an average girl to a women. You cannot let a women walk all over you in a relationship wether its new or not. I'm not saying your dominote or higher than her the same thing applies to yourself. If this girl is someone you see as a great lover who you can see yourself with forever? Then take the steps of molding her into a relationship type of partner. Every new girlfriend needs to be changed nito what your looking for. They are use to being the way they were with there last man who may not of had many demands. You need to let them know your different. If your serious about her! Be sure, Dont commit your time for a part time Girlfriend. Dont be afraid to be firm. If you show weakness the natural human instinct of any human male or female will prowl on that and use it against you. I can give you advise all day but you need to figure yourself out in order to solve this problem. Dont take advise from these teenage kids who may respond. Take advise from the guys who are actually in love with a women who was once like the one your with now. I could not be more happy in my life with my Honey then I am now. But beleive me she was far worse then what yur dealing with. But she was worth every heartache, headache, sorrow and tears. What we have now most people only dream about. You can have trust and love and be happy with your partner without the worries. You just need to talk things out. Compromise with your partner. I"m 25 years old and I couldnt have more joy in my heart than now! In fact after 8 months of struggle It was the best thing to happpen and worth the effort. If you can ever feel that way about this girl then take my advise, I promise you wont regret it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): hey man.
In the first year of my relationship with my ex she use to lie to me alot, and i use to let her get away with it becasue of other people telling me that some girls need privacy and space! And..like your situation..she use to meet her ex at parties and clubs. Well what she shud realise is that its humiliating for you..m8..do u honestly think shed let you meet your ex? no ofcourse not, girls are very territorial! My relationship started getting better when i started letting her know up front that if the lying didnt stop she cud find someone else! I think this made me realise how much she loved me becasue the lies did stop and she became more communitive...dont be mistaken this isn't being controlling..ofcourse girls do need space and such, however theres a difference between trust and space to being mae a twat out of..it hurts to see it! m8 stand up for yourself..tell her how you feel, she should respect that! plus it would be justified if he wasnt all over her..but he is...m8..she wouldnt allow it neither should you!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Hey Dude,
Same thing for me! A lot of women lie as do men! It's like finding a needle in a haystack, trying to find someone who deosn't lie. I would just keep her around, until you find a good girl, because you might never find a girl who doesn't lie .
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): You have to open your eyes and see that if you continue forgiving her shes just going to do it again. I just discovered my girlfriend getting a late night call from her ex (which ive caught her 3 times already) and the name on the phone came up as her aunt's name. I told her to pick up and she started getting nervous and freaking. I knew right there it was her ex (although she tried to convince me otherwise) i grabbed the phone and called back her aunt and when i said whos this? Her ex answered.. i said F**k it, im out of here.. and i feel like im free and im not living with a doubt in my mind of anything wrong.There are other girls who have the same ideas about how relationships should be as you.. go find them!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): hey it tears ya up when she lies eh, mine is the same! im fed up of this too and thanks to the other guys above!! Yer all right!! Take control!!!! of what you want and need i certainly will be telling her that i'am awear everytime she lies, and that telling me that she lied because she didnt want to upset me, or bullshit excuses, wont cut it anymore!!! she ethier be honest or with me or its over ! stand up for your morals it makes us the good souls we are and if they continue then the old cliche plenty more beautiful fish in the sea millions of them.. Stand up for yourself.. And to be honest i think she is still on the rebound its takes more than a few months to get over an ex maybe 12 at least in my experience if not more women tut
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007): If you stay with this girl she will ruin it for future relationships. No matter how different the next girl is, you will always have that thought in the back of your head that she is lying unless you get out of this relationship fast. There are other girls out there who would be willing to give you what you need with honesty and not secrets.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): You know the answer here.....right.....RIGHT!!! This may be hard for you to except. The problem is not her or friend or your reaction. It has to do with you. You need to develope self-respect. You do not deserve this type of treatment. She is not worth the trouble, you deserve better than this and shuold expect nothing less. You are the problem, I dont mean this in a bad way,or as a critismn, understand this OK, your the most important person!! When you can develope self-confidence in your self these types of delemas will cease to bother you and you will be a more confident person. Listen this can be hard, OK, but its not worth the trouble, take care of yourself first. Your the most important person here.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): I have the exact same problem. I've caught my gf lying about checking up on her ex at least a dozen time. It's gone from me telling her to unfriend the ex on myspace and facebook to me finding out yesterday she has been getting on a friends account to check up on her ex everyday. We've been together for a year, and her and the ex have been broken up for over a year. And it's always the same fight about the ex and her un-willingness to stop hurting me and being obsessive over her ex. You have to realize girls like that have a major control issue and losing the person they can control finally gets them to see the whole picture. I've packed up all of her stuff and forced her to move out. I know you will second doubt yourself more than once but you got to let her go. When your gut tells you something, it never lies.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2007): Well i just read through this page and
Belive be i know exactaly what al you guys are talking about, So i have bin in this situation Few many Times with Few many Girls.
So the thing is "She Lieds to you"
At this time you have 2 question that you want to answer
One : how Much Do u Love Her?(Enough to let this pass)
Two : Is This Eating you Up Inside.(you cant live with this)
If you answer Question #one you are A rare Breed and hats off to you Sir.All the best for you,
But if you Answer Question #Two, Tha youare like of us who have feelings. So the thing is if she is liying to you and you know about it 2 ways either you catch her int he act and 1000% prove that is Liying or you just move on there are onest women in this work and may be one of them will be more better for you.
I have personally got through all of this Shit and Guess what still going through but knowing this, i chose to live my life little more better. welll what i wanted to say its way longer than this of if you need more advise send me your exact prob @ [email address blocked] and i will try my best to get you to solve your prob. i am not a Dr or any thign i just have good experience with these thing. and can give youa solid advise. so Good luck to all ( belive me we all need that )
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): man, where do i start.. i am going thru this right now my girlfriend has lied to me 7 times in total of two years... i know where ur coming from and it kills everytime the lie because your just like why? i havent lied to u why dont u just be honest with me, and their reply is i didnt want to lose u... your not alone all we can do is give them space i dont want to lose her because i truly love her so i just give her space and sadly treat her like shit, in the sense that i dont give her the time i used to give her b4 and just do my thing and my stuff is more important to me now, well good luck and dont worry itll come back to her
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): Man the same thing has happened to me and my girlfriend. Im sorry that you are going through this as well! I sucks cuz it feels like we are trying so hard to just let it go and be ok with it, but then they lie about the stupidest little things and it makes you think what else are they lieing about? I have not figured out how to fixed this besides leaving when you are gone she will realize what she had and lost. You sound like a good person you don't desevre to be hurt by the person you are investing so much time into! That's not fair.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2006): I too have found my woman in quite a few kies. She has gone to great lenths to keep things from me. But it's a very differant situation. She has a man she loves in Cuba,
I know more than she trhinks I know, ie phone calls, emails ext.
...............................
A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (25 August 2005):
 It seems to me that both of them are finding it difficult to get over each other. She may like you a lot but obviously, they still have feelings for each other if they can't keep their hands off one another and lie to people they care about to meet up.
You seem like an easy-going guy who really likes this girl and is willing to give her many chances to sort this out but there is only so much you can do. If she still has feelings for this ex then you have to tell her; it's me or him. It's not fair to you that you're strung along while she decides what she wants. Good luck :)
...............................
|
