A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Well, my question is probably not that different from most.I had a relationship with a girl for 6,5 years. Around 3 years we broke-up because she wanted to marry and have kids and I just didn't know if I wanted to do that (I already have a son). After a six month break-up period, during which she desperately tried to get back with me on the first 4 months, I freaked out when I saw her with a guy in a party. I had already dated lots of girls during this period, but when I saw her I kind of got desperate. So I called her and said that I loved her and really wanted to get back and do everything that she wanted (even though deep inside I wasn't quite sure).So, we got back together but soon after it I started feeling the same way again. I didn't talk about marriage, kids, etc...and she started feeling unhappy again. After 9 months we were almost breaking up again and as a last resort I said she could come live with me in my apartment. I did this because she was thinking about moving out of her mother's house and live alone. We lived together for 2 years and 3 months till she decided to move out because I just couldn't commit to what she wanted. I don't know why I can't do everything she wants. I just can't. Don't feel like doing it. I'm 39 and she's 32. She wants to have at least 2 kids and for me this is like the population of the world! I wanted just to stay with her; just the two of us. I like it that way.Anyway, we're apart for 1 month now. I know she's very upset and really wanted things to be different. I already dated 2 women, but I miss her. Don't know if it's because I really like her or if it's just because I was used to her. It's really hard to figure it out.Sometimes I think that it could be difficult to find someone who really cares about me and takes care of me like she always did. Maybe in the future I wouldn't be able to find someone like her. So, what would be the right thing to do? Get back and do everything she wants even though it's not quite what I want? Or move on and try to find someone who'd like to live the way I want?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): Well q1605,
It's not that simple I guess. Actually I'm the one who always kind of screwed up. In the 6,5 years we've been together I always met other girls, but I always liked her. I know I've always been a jerk.
The first time we broke up she spent 4 months desperately trying to get back with me, till she gave up. Then when I saw her with another guy I freaked out and asked her to come back to me. I, on the other hand, during the 6 month break-up, met lots of girls. But deep inside I really missed her. It's really weird.
i'm afraid that the same thing could happen again. This is the whole problem. she's already tired of this whole story, so maybe if she stays with someone else this time and, hypothetically, I ask her back again, maybe she wouldn't.
And all of this because I really don't know if I want kids anymore. I already have a 13 year old son.
That's it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi SillyB!
Me and my ex didn't have contact for a week, more or less. Actually she called me 3 times in a row the sunday before last one, around 22:30, but I was at a girl's house. I only saw the calls when I left and saw my mobile in the car. I kinda felt bad, but didn't call her. It was already midnight. The day after I sent a message and said that I was already sleeping and the phone was on silent mode....whatever. 2 days later she replied saying that she just wanted to ask me to bring the dog's medicine, she had left there, and leave it at her mother's house. I replied "sure, anything you need!".
Anyway, I miss her but my thoughts haven't changed about the marriage/kids issue. I could marry her, that wouldn't be an issue, but the kids thing is a completely different story. It's really hard because we both like each other. She's avoiding contacting me; I know that she doesn't wanna repeat the same mistake again.
Yesterday I noticed that she had changed her picture at messenger. It was from some kind of party or something. A beautiful picture and she seemed to be having a lot of fun. I felt a little awkward. I really wouldn't like to feel the same way I did before if eventually I see her with somebody else. Till 10 days ago she said she was really hurt and still suffering a lot. I believe that...I know her. But I also know that she'll try to move on and maybe this time for real, cause she's older and we have already been through a break-up and back again process.
I'm really confused. I already dated 3 different women, there are some others that would like to date me and I'm trying to figure out what's best.
I know you think she did the right thing, etc...but can there be any possibility that this could be a very big mistake? That we really should be together and maybe we're losing something really important!
It's really hard to figure it out. And to think that all of this is because some little creatures (kids) that we don't even know if they will be a good thing.
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A
female
reader, SillyB  +, writes (15 July 2010):
 Of course she will be happy. Whoever she ends up married to, you would assume would be because they are in love. Kids are a product of that love. There are many what ifs - the ones to do with her you need to put aside. She has to figure those out. You need to ask yourself whether you will want a family and kids. If its a definite NO, sit her down and let her know, let her make the decision for herself whether she can have a life without kids.
She can find a great guy out there, who she will get along just as well with, but who also wants kids. Vice versa (minus the kids) for you too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I understand your point. But the problem is that we like each other and the difficult thing to do is put aside what we believe in, to stay with the other. Should it be right for one of us to give up what we want to stay with the other? Would it pay off in the future? Would I be happy in the future with her and 2 kids? Would she be happy with me without kids, or even worse, would she be happy with somebody else that gives her kids? It kinda feels that I or another guy is just a mean to an end.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (13 July 2010):
Well I think she is a smart woman for moving out. She is 32, knows what she wants (babies and a husband)and is taking herself out of a situation where she will not get a family. Do her a favor and let her go, don't take her back and do not contact her. She deserves to find someone who makes her happy and will fulfill her want for a family.
I am sure you will find what you are looking for. There are women out there who already have kids and do not want any more, women who never will want kids and women who cannot have kids. There are plenty of women to choose from. None will be her, but they will be unique in their own ways. It'll just take some time.
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