A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, Anthony here, I am looking for some advice please as I ‘ve go myself into something of a dilemma!Should I marry a girl I love and have had a five year on off relationship with but has cheated and lied to me in the past, but has now said she has changed, or should I stay with my new girlfriend of five months who I have a steady relationship with, without the emotional highs but without the emotional lows either of an emotional roller coaster of a relationship?Should I return and get married to my on off girlfriend of four years given that we had quite a volatile relationship, however she now says that she has changed or continue with my new relationship of four months?The reason I am asking this is because in spite of everything that happened over the four years I still very much love my first girlfriend. So how come I am in a new relationship you ask? Well, after the last major bust up when she said we were 100% over, and I quote one of her texts" "its over, you've wasted four years of my life, I ‘ve told my friends and family we are over, you are a d**k, now leave me alone so I can move on, if you keep contacting me I will change my number"Basically we had been in a 4 / 5 year on / off relationship and we girlfriend and I decided to go ahead and get engaged. In spite of all the ups and downs and the painful breakups I love her dearly.We split up about ten times over the past 4 years and a lot of negative stuff happened between us. While I can't totally forget the stuff that happened particularly when I never once called it off, we had decided to move on from all that.I know that this is just one side of the story of our relationship and there are of course two sides, but I will try and give as objective an overview as I can. I apologize in advance if this seems a bit long but I will try and make this as short as I can.Year one; I was thirty years old at the time and she was twenty five years old. Five years ago she came to work in the city that I was living in, she had a long term boyfriend (I thought their relationship was off ) when we first got together. We spent every evening together and were intimate, however as she would return home every single weekend I quickly realized that something was not quite right. We talked about it and she told me she had a boyfriend but she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. We kept in contact until Christmas, which was when she returned to her home city to live.I guess I should have cut contact as soon as I found out about him, but she said she couldn’t decide between us. Also she had a recent family tragedy where her sister died so I made allowances for this. When I pushed her for an answer she would say "time will tell" and as I had by this stage fallen deeply in love with her, I hoped that by giving her time she would chose me. I talked to my sister about this and she thought I had low self-esteem to continue seeing someone who hadn’t completely split up from her previous boyfriend.I thought that by giving her space and time she would return to me. When it came for her to move back to her home city, she moved in with him straight away and basically cut all contact with me. This was five years ago. I found this extremely painful but with time came to accept that I was probably just a fling while she was in my city. Four months later they split up and she moved out of his house. She then contacted me and asked about giving us another go. I was extremely hesitant (as were my friends and family as they seen how hurt I was 1st time ) but after a long chat and the fact that she said she was now truly single we decided to give it another go. As soon as we started going out her sister half joking half serious told me to "watch her as she has a roving eye".We started going out and about two to three months into the relationship this time I sensed something was not right. I asked her if she was in contact with her ex and she swore on several occasions that they were finished. One evening while flicking through photos on her camera I came across photos of her ex taken at his house. The camera shows the dates the pictures were taken and it was four months after we “officially” started going out. When I asked her about this she said I had no right looking at her pictures (which I accept may be true however I never would have found out if I didn’t)We talked through it and I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. She had some time off work so we decided to get a house together. Two months after moving in we had an argument about bills - she didn’t want to contribute anything towards them. The end result was her clearing all her stuff out of the house, literally throwing the key back at me in the street in front of my neighbors and moving out. This was the second time we split up and so I decided to leave her alone completely after this. This brings us up to the end of year one which was four years ago. Year 2 ( four years ago)A few weeks later she started ringing and texting and coming up to visit and eventually we started going out again.We attended a wedding together and she got drunk and started flirting with the best man and his mate. It was embarassing because they asked me if we were going out. When she was sober I asked her about this and she said she couldnt remember and said "it was only a bit of fun"She then got a job in the same city as me again and moved in with me again. In order not to be arguing about bills I paid for everything. I also always pay for meals, trips to cinema etc. Even with that, about six weeks after moving in she moved out again as we were arguing about small stuff. I had found out that as well as visiting her ex behind my back, she was ringing and texting him.My condition for taking her back was that she would stop contacting him and also remove him from her facebook page. She agreed to stop contacting him but wouldn’t remove him from her FB page.So she called it off again ( for the 3rd time ) and changed her FB status to single.A few weeks later she started contacting me again saying she wanted us to get back together again. I was hesitant about it but I forgave her and so we got back together again. Three months after getting back together she became cool and distant again. She kept talking about how her laptop was really important to her and it was a present. We both knew that it was her previous boyfriend that bought it to her. Anyhow she called it off again ( 4th time). This was three years ago and this time I was determined to move on.Year threeThe pattern by now is familiar, usually about a month after we split up and when I am just about starting to re-build my shattered life she would show up again, we would get back together, she would call it off and I would be right back where I started.A short time later she started contacting me again. We had now had an off relationship for two years. This time I said we were not getting back together unless we were getting engaged. Her response was "we ll just go with the flow". Three months later, her close friends started to get engaged, one by one. These would have been her partying friends. Where we had been in an on off relationship they had been going steady for years. Then she decided she would like to get engaged. Given that we had such a volatile relationship I was suprised at this.Because I was hesitant and didn’t want to make a mistake, I took a job in a different city for four months. I guess I thought if she is still serious time shouldnt be a barrier. We had daily phone contact however when I returned she refused to meet me unless I proposed with an engagement ring. At this stage we had three years of an on off relationship. I tried to explain that I wanted a steady constant relationship before getting engaged so for another two months she wouldn’t see me. When we did get back together I was never invited on nights out with her friends. When her friends had house parties year ago, I would find out about them after they had happened. When I asked her why she didn’t invite me she would say she either forgot or thought I didnt want to come. Que another breakup.Year fourThe year before last we broke up on two other occasions. She tells me she feels totally insecure because I never proposed to her. I would of course love to have got married but with her I never know when she’s going to grow tired of me and call it off again.Year fiveThat brings us up to the last twelve months where we had been going out steady this time last year and we decided to get engaged. She had been looking at different engagement rings and we couldn't agree on the cost. She wanted to book a week away for us however I asked her not to book it until I could confirm I could get the time off work.We had an argument while I was driving on the motorway and so she demanded to be taken to the train station to go home. Normally I would try and talk her out of it however this time I didn't. I took her to the train station and stopped contacting her.There were another five times over year two and three when we broke up and got back together however I didn't put the details in here as it would make this too long, also on those occasions we got back together again after a shorter period of time.I have never been the one to actually call it off, though she would say my actions would have contributed to it on some occassions. My friends and family ask why I am so forgiving, I guess its because in spite of everything I have said, I really really love her. When the relationship is good, its great, when its bad - its called off completely. Unfortunately she had another family tragedy and I met up with her to sympathise with her and her family.Now while we were off I was asked out by a really nice girl. We rarely argue and get on really well. While we done have the highs of the relationship I had with my first girlfriend, we don’t have the lows either, its not a rollercoaster of emotion, more a steady constant relationship, and yes I do love her too. Anyway I hadn’t heard from my 1st girlfriend in a few months and when she called me I told her I had been asked out by someone else. She said she never really meant for us to be off and didn’t mean what she said in the text. She has called me quite a lot over the past month, though I didn't go to meet her. I went through everything that happened between us and she promised to change and that she will take everything on board.I may sound foolish for saying this but I am inclined to believe that she has changed and that if we go ahead and get engaged now that she will be honest, loyal and respectful. I can (if I work on it ) try and forgive her, the problem is I am having difficulty forgetting. I also wonder will I regret ending my relationship with my new girlfriend, we don’t necessarily “click” the same way I did with my 1st girlfriend though we do get on really well. Has too much happened to consider getting married or should we go our separate ways. In one sense she tells me that she was immature and spoiled when we first started going out however she now realizes that she cant behave that way anymore.I ‘ve discussed attending a relationship counsellor and she is agreeable to this.Should I go ahead and return / marry this 1st girl who has now matured and promises to tell the truth, given that we have a five year history and have been such a huge part of each others lives, or has too much happened? I would have married her a long time ago if she was the person she is today, however we had a volatile relationship with such huge trust issues and she was by her own admission very immature when we first got together.I guess my heart is saying I love her and to just go ahead and get married, my head however reminds me of all the hurt, betrayal and lies which makes it difficult to trust her and to stay with my new girlfriend who, though we may not have that intense passion I had with the first girlfriend, seems much more stable. Sounds strange but if I don’t marry her the thought of her being with someone else makes me really sad and if I am honest jealous.So should I return / marry a girlfriend whom I love and has now matured and will be honest and wants to settle down, and have a five year history with? Or, because we have had such a lot of negative stuff over the past five years, should we just leave it and go our separate ways?I have met both of them ( separately ) of course to discuss things. When I was with my new girlfriend I start thinking that my 1st girlfriend could be with someone else now and, given that we had a five year history, surely I should give it one last go, it seems such a waste of all that time for nothing to come of that relationship. When I was with my old girlfriend I think of some of the hurt and resentment she caused me and though I forgive her, the feelings of love and hate seem intertwined, then I think I met someone new who never once hurt me or betrayed my trust and I never really gave her a chance.My heart says go back to the woman I was with involved with for nearly five years, my head says stay with my new girlfriend of five months. I want to be sure about my decision because at 35 years of age, the person I am with now will probably become my wife and hopefully we shall go on to start a family. Thanks for taking the time to read this, I appreciate your advice. One way or another I am going to try and make a decision this weekend as all this indecision is not helping. Confused Anthony.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2013): Sorry if this sounds harsh but I am just calling it as I see it. You sound emotionally unstable. This is why you are in the situation you're in.I suggest you do not have any girlfriend for some time and work on resolving your own issues.Otherwise no matter which decision you make will be the wrong one and you'll either end up hurting a good woman (your new girlfriend) or end up hurting yourself even more. You're either going to get back on the roller coaster ride that was your first girlfriend, or you are going to take your new gf on a roller coaster ride as you are doing right now (does she even know how close her relationship is to breaking up? Or how many times it will come to this point again in the future if you decide to stay?)I do think you need to stay away from your first girlfriend since she is very unstable too (so are you, as evidenced by the fact that she takes you on a roller coaster ride and you willingly get on it and have never sought out something healthier). But I also think you should let your new girlfriend go because you're not treating her very well right now or behaving honorably in a relationship. I think your first girlfriend destroyed your sense of right and wrong, so at least don't perpetuate this on the new unsuspecting girlfriend.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2013): Please break up with your new girlfriend. You are being unfair to her by being in a relationship with her when your heart is not 100% with her. If you stay with your new gf you are only doing it because you feel you are getting old and need someone to start a family. All while your thoughts will be of another woman. This is what we call USING someone. That's. being a jerk. If you are having thoughts of another woman even considering marrying then you are being unfair to your current girlfriend as you are not able to give her your 100% instead you already have one foot out the door and if you stay with her it is only because your cost-benefit analysis tells you that it benefits you more to stay. Please stop using this poor nice woman and set her free so she can find a man who truly loves her and will give her his 100%. She deserves someone more emotionally stable. As for your first girlfriend. You would be nuts to marry her. Marriage doesn't change anything. A crappy relationship will become a crappy marriage. A relationship with 10 break ups in 4 years will be a marriage with 10 break ups in the next 4 years. If you believe she has changed then sure give her a chance but it should be a probation so what does marriage have anything to do with it? Just because you are 35? Your thinking about what love and marriage is, is very distorted.I guarantee you that she will continue to cheat on you as she always has. You want to believe she has changed. There is no evidence. In fact there is by now way more evidence to the contrary.But if you like drama then go ahead and get back with her and give her yet another chance for the hundredth time. But marriage? That would be totally irrational and foolish. Basically I do not think you are ready for marriage. It seems you are not emotionally stable enough to want a mature relationship and see a toxic relationship for what it is. And instead of healing from past pain you want to involve other people in your life as an escape mechanism. So you end up using the new woman, in the way the first woman was using you. And then you seem to think that being 35 means you are ready for marriage and kids and it should be one of these two women.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (24 November 2013):
 Anthony: Please re-read your submittal a few times. It is self-answering...
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (24 November 2013):
Don't marry either! You really, truly don't love the 5 month girl. If you did you would of cut your ex out of your life. Let your girlfriend go. It is kinda cruel.As for your ex I think you have unresolved feelings for her. In saying that, I don't think you should head back into her arms either. I think you have been abused through those years. I think you need to focus on you. I think you need to do things that are necessary for Anthony and his needs. You can't do that if you in any kind of relationship. My ex and I broke up over a year and a bit, and I struggle moving on. He is all I think about. But our relationship was so connected with each other. He was an addiction. When we had highs and lows. But when we hit the lows, it was nasty! I don't think it is fair to another man to come into my life without him getting ALL OF ME. After all he deserves it..... and well, so do I.Best Wishes Anthony!
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A
female
reader, shna +, writes (24 November 2013):
 First off you shouldnt be making this decision based one its either girl number 1 or girl number 2 your going to end up with !! Life doesnt work like that !!
To be honest your ex girlfriend is a bitch !! She has literally used you as a door mat for your entire relationship and you dont even realise it ! Anything she wants all she has to do is click her fingers and its done !! Dont you see thats why she kept leaving you ?
You asked her to contribute to bills? OVER
I want to get engaged cause thats what all my friends are doing while ive been fucking around- no? OVER!?
She is so immature and i dont know where she got the idea that she could act like this ?
What makes you think that by marrying her that things will be any better ?
You really think shes not going to use the same attitude when she wants a bigger house a bigger car or you to spend more time with her ( cause i can already put my life savings on it that shes be a stay at home mother who lets you work day and night to pay for her expenses )
I can also guarentee you that if you marry this woman and have children she will use them as a weapon against you in the future!!
Fair enough you guys didnt have a great start to your relationship but that doesnt give her any reason to act or treat you the way she does !!
In my opinion she sounds like a bit of a gold digger !!
I think that just because your relationship now is not as extraordinary with this girl at present it doesnt mean you should get back with your ex ! This girl is obviously a rebound and to be honest she is doing you the world of good ! Mabye you will never love her but at least she is giving you some sort of idea as to what a normal relationship is like along with giving you some idea as to what you wany from a relationship!!
This ex is never going to change you had five years together including several break ups if she didnt change after any of them shes not going to change now ! She is only threatened by the fact that there is another woman on the scene with you and so she is panicking & saying all the right things to tug on those heart strings of yours !!
The decision is yours but i wouldnt go down that road with her again to much heart ache and no respect ! You deserve somebody who loves you and who will do anything for you not sombody who expects you to do everything for them !
This woman is emoitionally manipulative stay away !!
And if you do get back with her come back to me in five years to prove me right about her attitude towards you and your bank account !
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): Neither. The one you're with at the moment is a rebound and the one you had before doesn't deserve the opportunity to break your heart again, which she would.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 November 2013):
 I think you are being a little unfair to "girl #2" by even THINKING about getting back with #1 - because it means you are not over #1.
But since you ask, #1 should not be an option. You spend THAT long with her and it didn't work, she is promising the moon, but there are NO guarantees she will keep them. I think you are wasting your time on #1. AND you are wasting #2's time by even considering going back with #1.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): Personally, I think you'd be crazy to even consider going back to your exShe's exhibited a pattern of behaviour over the years which is not suddenly going to change - no matter what she might be saying. I think she's just paying you lip service to get what she wants - you back in her life again giving her unconditional love and support until she's had enough again because things aren't going her way.I think your ex may have borderline personality disorder. This means that she will be UNABLE to change her bahaviour without professional help (even if she genuinely means to). Unless she's been on an intensive therapy programme in the time that you've been apart I fail to see how she can have changed.Ultimately I don't think your current girlfriend is for you either since you are obviously still hung-up on your ex but better her than the drama queen.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 November 2013):
 Okay you didn't ask out girl two while you engaged. It was a during time off. Anyway girl one wanted you back because you are now dating and she doesn't want you gone forever. Remember you said you would be jealous if someone else had her? She is the exact same way. Sometimes when two people spend enough time together you pick on the same traits. I believe also she wants to get engaged because her friends are doing so and when women approach 30 they want to seal a deal as quickly as possible. She would try her best to suck you back in, as long as you keep in touch with her and let her know you still feel for her.
Even when you were talking about engagement plans there were arguments that led you to take transportation separately. You would always be arguing. She would use a break up to punish you to make you comply or act faster. She's totally self serving and says things and change stories when it's convenient.
It's unfair for girl two because you have feelings for both women. Girl two deserves to know the truth. Would you want her to go through what you had the last 5 years?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 November 2013):
This is an easy one. Don't get married to girl one and concentrate just on yourself. You are not being fair to girl two because you are doing what girl one had been doing 5 years ago. I don't know how you can get engaged to girl one while starting something new with girl two. 35 sounds old to you but it's not. I think there is reason why you stayed in that relationship and it's because it was not boring. You craved excitement but sometimes that much drama can wreck lives. You both decide that marriage ends this drama but what happens is that you have nothing to sustain the relationship since a long term relationship needs a strong foundation and your last relationship is built on drama and instability.
If she is really changed then let her prove herself to the next guy and start with a clean slate. If I am girl two and I know the truth of where you came from I would be really worried. How much does girl two know about you? I am guessing she doesn't know much and that reeks of deception on your part. The pattern and habit of deception was carried over from the past and now girl two will have to pick up the pieces later. I believe you love drama, you love acquiring a relationship more than the women they are. Don't confuse the two. If I were you I would give myself time to move on from the past relationship and focus on what I really want in life.
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