A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:been with my hubby for 25 years, we were high school sweethearts. Recently I've been thinking about sleeping with my friend, who is a female, and is married herself for about the same time. I've allways wondered what it would be like to sleep with another female, and my friend recently told me that she has slept with another one of our friends to try it and she liked it, so now more than ever I want to do this. My hubby whom has been looking at quite a bit of porn lately, girl on girl, and we've discussed his "habit" and his neglect sexually, towards me because of it promised to stop but as you probably already know that didn't last long, longer than I thought but he's back watching and whacking, so I was thinking of maybe making my own video with my friend and me and just leaving it with him one day with a note to watch this and see what he thinks. My dilemma is this will he be angry because it is like cheating or will he be extremely turned on by this, I want to try this so much and all he does is watch girl on girl so why not?? Should I ask him first or just do it and hope for the best? This is a question I would like a lot of guys to answer honestly and let me know your opinions and some woman who maybe have tried this themselves. Thank you for your time
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for all your advice, let me start by telling you that I have hit my sexual prime and told my hubby that. I told him I just want to have sex all the time lately, and he still chose to look at porn?? I never had a real high sex drive but I never turned him down when he wanted it. I wanted to please him and did so, now I feel it's my turn, I was there for his sexual prime time (highschool sweethearts) shouldn't he return the favor? I feel that he 'd rather look at porn and whack off than come to me when I specifically told him what I was going through and went to him and told him I had hit my prime. Now I fell like I've become a "chore' now. So that's why my fantasy of being with another female has become more of a reality now something I want to do especialyy when all my hubby does is watch girl on girl.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Can we put the porn issue to one side babes. Simply ask him not to do it arround you and make sure it is hidden from you. If it's not in your face, then it won't be such a sore point.
Being sexually frustrated and having no joy in bed is a complete different situation. Birdy is right, maybe counselling and therapy might help. Please update your post and lets us try to help you with the sexual problems in your marriage. If you and him are fighting about pornography or anything else, then you can't be happy and intimate in the bedroom because the two off you are too angry. Remember, this is your childhood sweetheart, don't you want to rediscover the magic that has kept you together for years....
I'm gonna lift some suggestions from a question answered by the "Wizard of Waz". Try what he says and it really might help to bring you together. You should also take the suggestion from "qcumbr1" Naked pictures of his wife, and sexy videos of her should really help to focus his attention back on you. If you have sex with another woman without his permission then there is a "threesome" in your marriage. It would be her and you, and then you and him. As I said, a recipie for him having evidence of your unfaithfullness and being able to embarrass and humilate you. What happens if he gets angry and shows the video to his mates, your family or your friends. One guy who found his wife's old sex tape, was angry enough to consider putting it up onto the internet for everyone to see.... Anyway babes, like you say, "Yeah I know it's wrong people, but whatever". It is your marriage, your life. We can only try to help and provide advice, but we are not having these problems, you are.....
REPLY FROM THE "WIZARD OF WAZ" (16th August 2008)
Sure you feel rejected because he is getting lazy in bed. His 3 hours a week porn ogling is a symptom but it is not the cause. Just like your own self-obsession is another symptom of the same root problem.
Many couples start to lose the initial heat of intimacy after a few years together. Lack of open and honest communication is the one major obstacle that prevents the flames of passion being rekindled again.
So he has to stop lying to you about his solo habits, he might be more willing to do this if you can stop lying to yourself that it is "porn" that is the problem rather than the pair of you becoming a bit lazy and self-absorbed.
If you genuinely want to sort this out then I have a few suggestions which may help but only if you both realise that problem-solving requires a little honest effort from you both.
Step one: Open up a dialogue with your husband. Tell him you know about his porn ogling and admit to him (and yourself) it doesn't really bother you as much as the fact that you have both become crap in bed. The emphasis should always be on "we" or "us" rather than get drawn into them more personal finger-pointing negative accusations.
Step two-Suggest a period of celibacy. If a car breaks down we dont attempt to drive it until it is fixed. So if sex is crap for you both then garage it for repairs. Stop doing it. Note the emphasis is always on you both, not you or him. Keep the problem isolated from any personal accusations. He can still do his porn/blow up sheep, and you can still fire up the rampant rabbit/10" dildo whenever either of you feel the "need". Denial of each others private time of self-relief should not be part of the deal for either of you during this phase.
Step three-During the period of abstinence, research sex, all sex, find out what other people do, from the erotic to the bizarre. Discuss it with each other. The objective here is not to find out what each other likes but to enable you both to bond by just having a discussion about the whole sex gig.
Step four-While you are in the no-sex zone you should both spend more time with your kids. Get to know them better. Unplug the tv/playstation/pc etc and sit down and talk to them. Let them feel confident they can have mum and dad's attention whenever needed. Play games with them. Have family days away. Let the kids suggest where to go. Learn to enjoy being parents.
Step five-After the agreed celibacy period, say one month, you can start being intimate again. But keep it within non-sexual boundaries for a while longer. Have a teasing romancing period. By now you should have some sort of respect for each other as individuals, so this is the time to discuss what you both like and so you will both be more than willing to get down and dirty with each other for mutual pleasure rather than sefish personal relief.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Why don't you just divorce your husband. He has this hobby that distresses you so much that your gonna have sex with the lady next door. One is looking, the other is cheating. A slight over reaction dear. The women in pornography are not his wife, as we have said, this will blow up in your face. He will find it very easy to embarrass you and divorce you for your unfaithfulnes, you will even provide him with the evidence to give to the judge. Just divorce him, honeypie, it's much easier and then you can have all the female sex you want....
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (28 October 2008):
 Your response sounded like you have a LOT of anger and resentment towards your husband, and his habits. Those are two huge red flags for a marriage. It sounds like your marriage could use a lot more help and reflection than what you were proposing. I think if you cheat to salve you own sexual needs, that could be the straw that broke the camels back. You should try to get the two of you to a marriage counselor and work out those issues that seem to be eating away at your soul. Anger and resentment lead to hatred. If you were childhood sweethearts, you have a lot of history of love, and to just simply give up on it would be heartbreaking. And I think that turning away and going off in your own direction, as in your question, is just a cry for help out of sheer frustration. Your avatar is American, and I know for a FACT that you are exactly in the right place for amazing therapy camps. There are marriage camps to teach couples how to rejuvenate their old spark and train you how to fix marriages that are sexually broken. I know, really, that's probably what you truly want. There's a lot out there on the net, so get out there and see if there is some kind of marriage getaway that you can drag him to. I hope that you are able to get back together and feel like a loving couple again. Good Luck.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 October 2008):
 You are just trying to justify cheating on your husband, and it's not working. If he is not satisfying you in bed because of excessive porn viewing then you need to lay down the law or separate. Do not have sex with your girlfriend unless you decide to divorce. Show some class.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question OOh yea also Diovan who said anything about a" threesome" just want the experience myself, willing to let him watch later on tape, but that's it for now anyway
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your advice, but I have a response to Diovan, you say he may feel jealous or inadaquete, but what about how I feel when he constantly wants to watch and whack off to porn?? Don't you think that makes me feel inadaquate? like I'm not doing all I can to please my man?? And I have talked to him about this situation, didn't do it to embarrass him or belittle him, just to tell him I didn't feel comfortable with him doing it all the time and neglecting me sexually because of it. I even askied him if it was a' PROBLEM' and he said no apologized and said he wouldn't do it anymore, but he's back online! Make no mistake it's not like I don't want him pleasing himself at all, that's just wrong, but he doesn't have to watch porn to do it, I certainly don't, I got an itch I scratch it I don't go to the internet all the time to see big dicks, he wouldn't like it either. I do understand though that me sleeping with this girl is reality and not a fantasy and is chaeting, but it's something I really want to try and would like my hubby's permission, but if he doesn't agree and he keeps disrespecting me and watching this porn all the time when he said he would stop then guess what I'm doing it, what he don't know wont hurt him right, Yeah I know it's wrong people, but whatever
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your advice, but I have a response to Diovan, you say he may feel jealous or inadaquete, but what about how I feel when he constantly wants to watch and whack off to porn?? Don't you think that makes me feel inadaquate? like I'm not doing all I can to please my man?? And I have talked to him about this situation, didn't do it to embarrass him or belittle him, just to tell him I didn't feel comfortable with him doing it all the time and neglecting me sexually because of it. I even askied him if it was a' PROBLEM' and he said no apologized and said he wouldn't do it anymore, but he's back online! Make no mistake it's not like I don't want him pleasing himself at all, that's just wrong, but he doesn't have to watch porn to do it, I certainly don't, I got an itch I scratch it I don't go to the internet all the time to see big dicks, he wouldn't like it either. I do understand though that me sleeping with this girl is reality and not a fantasy and is chaeting, but it's something I really want to try and would like my hubby's permission, but if he doesn't agree and he keeps disrespecting me and watching this porn all the time when he said he would stop then guess what I'm doing it, what he don't know wont hurt him right, Yeah I know it's wrong people, but whatever
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): You have this fantasy, it's something that turns you on. Your partner may find this interesting in pornography, but reality and pornography are two very, very different things. Having sex without your husbands permission is never recommended, and it is always cheating in my opinion. You may raise the issue with him if you want, but even if he says yes, the reality of you having sex with somebody else may cause him to feel jealous and inadequate and your marriage may be in danger. Please talk to your husband, hopefully he will understand, and maybe it might work out for you. Many couples on Dear Cupid have tried to have threesomes, but it usually backfires and relationships are strained, marriages are destroyed, and friendships lost. These things are usually best left to fantasy. If you are sexually dissatisfied, use your energy to spice up your love life at home first. Talk to your husband, he's not your enemy, he's your partner. If you have these feelings, it's best that he knows, and maybe you both can come to a compromise, or find things to do together that will turn you both on.... Leave fantasy to the movies, it's never as good in real life....
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female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (28 October 2008):
I think that this whole thing might backfire on you. Guys like it as a fantasy, not in reality. That's what porn is. Having his wife sleeping with on friend, caught on tape, would probably arouse the wrong sleeping beast. Sorry, this answer is from a female, married 31 years, but I hope that it has a bit of relevance. It seems that your heart is in the right place, wanting to please him (good for you), but watch out for that line between fantasy and reality. Guys really do love that their wives are EXCLUSIVELY their own!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): I'd ask first. He might consider it cheating, which technically it is.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Guy here!
Ask him if he wants to join you two. He will probably say yes.
If you dont feel like asking him to join you, ask him if its ok if you sleep with the other woman. If he says NO, then consider the marriage over, and do it anyway. Why be with a controlling person? Are you trying to control him? Sounds like you might be! If you do this out of spite without telling him, that is f'ed up in my opinion.
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