A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A very close friend of mine from work has expressed interest in moving in with my roommate and I, as we have always gotten along great in a group. The two of us have been spending a lot of time together and think we would be great roommates. The only problem is, I am very in love with him. I am afraid of the emotional toll it would take on me to live under the same roof as him with this terrible secret. I don't want to tell him how I feel about him, but I also am at a loss for what excuse to give him. How can I explain that we can't live together without revealing why? Or should I just live with him anyway and hope that one day I get over these feelings?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2015): First, to you and many readers reading your post and my advice. It isn't love until the other person loves you back. Until then, it is infatuation. Get that into your head, and it will help you to adjust your feelings.
No, you shouldn't live with him. If he doesn't share the type of feelings you have, it will be awkward and miserable for you. Him too! You will have to tortuously watch him date other women, and your jealousy just might turn to bitterness.
Should you tell him how you feel? No! Your feelings don't matter unless you get some sign that he may be attracted to you. If you've known him for any extended period of time, and he has never once attempted to make a romantic connection, or hasn't presented any gesture in that context; it is safe to conclude he doesn't feel that way about you.
You mention nothing of him asking you out. So I'm inclined to believe you're in the friend-zone, and probably not his type.
Have you ever asked him out for a date, to see how he would react? Many OP's who have written DC have simply shocked people by dousing them with their feelings. Surprising them out of nowhere by proclaiming they are in-love with a long-time friend, or an acquaintance. A negative reflex is usually very painful, if it were to be rejection. Fear of rejection keeps people where you are, or they'll find some clever way to be close. Like pretending to be "friends," or "roommates." It's better to keep your distance, keep your feelings to yourself; or grow the nuggets to ask the guy out. Don't offer anyone a way to manipulate you, by confessing love without any reciprocated feelings.
It's very safe to admit attraction in a non-serious manner.
"I really like you!" Or, "I find you quite attractive." Don't ask if he finds you attractive. That's fishing for compliments and could be misinterpreted. Give yourself a safety-exit.
Mild flirtation opens a door, but you haven't walked in. If he doesn't go for the bait or return the favor. Stop!
I do not recommend being roommates. Why would you put yourself through that? All you have to do is ask him if it would feel awkward to go out on a date, just to see where things go from there. If he accepts, then you have a chance to find out. If he declines, it means he is not romantically attracted to you; and you have to be woman enough to handle it.
You're twenty-six plus, and you're a woman living in the 21st century. You don't tell people you're in-love with them who have no clue. It's crazy. You are strongly attracted to him. Love isn't love until the feeling is mutual. Being fixated is far from love, because love has to have a basis. Fixation doesn't.
I'd say, withhold verbalizing how you feel. Test the waters by asking him out, just the two of you. See what kind of vibe you get. If he shows discomfort or wiggles his way out; then accept that with grace and dignity as a polite "no." Then move on. Rejection isn't fatal, unless it's a medical issue. Otherwise, you'll survive the embarrassment.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
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