A
male
age
36-40,
*agger4
writes:My last relationship ended 3 years ago. It's been kind of tough on me and despite seeing a few girls between now and then there weren't any that I even considered wanting to make my girlfriend. About a week after my ex and I broke up she started dating a friend of hers; someone I was actually somewhat jealous about when we were dating. As far as I know they are still together. I'm very hung up on my ex and despite knowing that I don't want her back (she's probably a different person by now and I know it wouldn't work after what's happened) I can't help but think that I will never find anyone who compares.Everyone keeps telling me to put myself out there again and just try harder. They give me the whole "plenty of fish in the sea" bit, but I find myself lacking enthusiasm and I don't even want to bother anymore.I've had a certain degree of self-hatred that has fluctuated throughout my life. The last couple of years it's been particularly bad. It usually stems from the fact that I have a hard time seeing past my flaws (despite the things I'm good at outnumbering the flaws significantly) and one of the big focal points for it is that I feel like I screwed up a relationship that would have been perfect for me and that I don't think I will ever get it back.What's even worse is that I've been extremely lonely lately. I'm somewhat starved for physical affection, but I have a hard time being affectionate without the feelings that go along with it. So while I'm lonely and desperately want a girlfriend, I know that wanting a girlfriend for that reason is both unhealthy and will eventually cause it to explode in my face anyway.So my dilemma is that I want more than anything to fill this void I feel, but I don't know how to go about it. I am working very hard to improve my mental/emotional state, but sometimes I just want to lay down next to a pretty girl and hold her. It's a strange scenario where I crave affection to help me stop these feelings, but I also know that you can't really love someone else until you can learn to love yourself.I know that these are all just symptoms of underlying problems, but one of my biggest self-criticisms is that despite being good looking and intelligent (not trying to brag, but I get told it often) I'm unable to deal with women comfortably in a romantic situation.Should I look to date someone? Should I avoid it? Am I going about this all wrong? Any suggestions on better ways to continue my efforts?I just need to do something to help these feelings because I am having an increasingly tough time coping. Any advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (12 February 2013):
 You can't count on a relationship to fill the void of what's missing. The best thing that you can do is start working on yourself more. Take a trip, go out and do something, get some hobbies, go out and have fun... If you're still hung up on your ex, then you're really not ready to date again. Take the time that you need to heal, and don't worry about doing it on some sort of time limit.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 February 2013):
You say getting a girlfriend because you're lonely and want to fill a void is unhealthy. Why? If people were never lonely and had a void to fill the human race would have died out a long time ago. I'm sure you can handle whatever mental trauma you may suffer from getting a girlfriend right now.
Just keep at it. People come along when you least expect it. I have found people at times in my life when I didn't put in an ounce of effort. Just wait until a pretty girl flirts with you and do what comes naturally. If it doesn't come naturally for you then force it.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (12 February 2013):
First of all you are doing nothing wrong you are just being human. In saying that no one is prefect please try and not be so hard on yourself right now .Give the dating scene a break for awhile and allow youself some space .Perhaps as you stated it might be a good idea to get those other problems sorted and just take time out .Best Luck Nora B,
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