A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've began seeing a man of a different ethnicity than I am. Although I think this isn't such a big problem, I'm unsure if he would be serious with me because of culture/ethnic issues in the future. We are both adults, way past the issue of parents telling us what to do, he's 36 never been married and a bachelor who loves his job (he teaches at the uni). In any case, he said he wanted to be just FWB. I don't want to be hurt again, but I do like him and enjoy spending time with him so I said that was good for me. I didn't mind either since the sex is satisfying and he's very thoughtful when we are together. What is an issue is he's never text/emailed me to go out, ever. I am always the one making dates to meet up. When he does see me, he seems happy and is affectionate. He even cooks me dinner and it's his idea...lol He talks and we play...but after I leave, I don't hear a word from him. I recently sent him a text asking him to have coffee if he had time. He never replied. I haven't text or emailed him and just continued to spend time with my friends, but I am haunted by the questions that he doesn't like me as much as he claimed, that am I just a temporary fix for him until someone he really would like to date comes along, or maybe I'm just not as cut out for this type of relationship as I thought I'd be. I don't believe I want more with him, but I do expect some type of feedback (validation may be a better word). I have other male friends who text me throughout the day or invite me for Happy hour, etc. They also work and go to school, have other friends they see, yet I see/hear from them more than him (but I'm not sleeping with them so maybe that's the difference). I don't want to stop seeing him, but I don't want to continue feeling uncertain either.So, I began dating other men to just stop dwelling on the issue. Nothing sexual, but this has made me question men in his ethnic/cultural background. Although I am attracted to this type of man, if he isn't open-minded when it comes to women that look like me, why would any other guy like him also. This is the second guy I've dated of his ethnicity that behaved like this (the other one, just wanted to sleep with me, so he was a bit more honest up front). Maybe I shouldn't continue to pursue men like him. I don't know, maybe I'm thinking too much about the "maybe's" lol. In any case, should I just break it off and leave him alone. It seems that he likes it that way although he's stated he doesn't have friends besides me and his colleagues, his work keeps him busy. I'm really to the point where I'm just torn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually, I'm not angry at accusing me of being a racist, it only made me wonder where you came to that conclusion. This is what I got from your "opinion" that you were assuming that I had sex with the other guy also. I wrote that he was at least honest about wanting to sleep with me from the beginning, he just happened to be the same ethnicity. So by assuming that I was behaving in a "slutty", as you say, manner, was presumptuous of you and that pissed me off since you don't know me personally. I just feel you have nothing to add to my question, so this will be the last time I reply. I don't need validation from "YOU"...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): I'm not surprised that you got angry at me for the racism comment.
But you also didn't say I was wrong about my main observation. Was I?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I see a male opinion, I expect a true opinion, but not one where you decide to judge me personally. Racist, don't think so, I've married within my own race and dated within my own race and outside of my race. I have bi-racial siblings and my own grandmother was bi-racial..lmao wow! Slutty, um, excuse me, but I'm a grown ass woman, and if I'm having consensual sex, with ONE man, that does not equal "slutty" behaviour. But, I'm sure your post was just to cause issues, so I'm going to leave it alone.
As for the other posts, thank you for posting your opinions, I have just decided to leave him alone. I have other guys who are interested and yes, I believe I do want a relationship that is more in depth. I've come to the conclusion that I am not cut out for a FWB...lol It's really my first FWB, so I wasn't sure how I would feel about it. You live and learn. I am too old for it and although I get very lonely sometimes, I just will fill my time with those that want to be in my company. I have more than enough male and female friends to call on. Thanks again, agony aunts. You're never to old to learn from your mistakes...apparently ;D
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): I get the distinct feeling that you are putting up with things from guys of this other ethnicity that you wouldn't be tolerating if it was from guys of your own race.
In my opinion that is kinda slutty and more than a little racist.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): I seem to be the only female out there that has this type of attitude. If a man tells me he wants to be FWB, I already know what that is. It is just a nice word for f**k buddy. It has been proven over and over and over again that when you mix the "friends" part in the equation, problems arise.
I believe that you are on the right track with going on with your life and enjoying your friends and dating. Good for you. At least you are not sitting around beating yourself up over the fact that he hasn't called or text, etc. Here's the problem. You should never "date" this type of person. Going out to dinner, hanging out, etc has left you confused when he doesn't call right? The reason why is because these are the things that people do that is in a committed relationship. Have you noticed that you are not wondering about your other male friends as much? Why? Answer is simple, your not sleeping with them. So often times when you mix hanging out with sex without the commitment, a lot of confusion happens. That is why if I am in that type of situation, I have sex and LEAVE. That's all that is. I don't stay for a glass of water.
The best thing that you can do is be honest with yourself and figure out what type of relationship you want. I believe that you want a committed relationship. Nothing wrong with that. The next time a man tells you that, remember what I just told you. He doesn't want a friend he wants a f**k buddy. If your boat don't float that way, let him sail on down the river. Hope that this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): Okay. He told you he wanted to be "friends with benefits." I think from what you have told us its very clear that you can read that statement as " with benefits" - never mind the "friend" part. Because, unfortunately, friendship with you is not what he's looking for. If he wanted your company to go out to a social event he would invite you, or at least respond to the invitations you have made.
He simply wants you to be there whenever he feels the urge to have sex.
It is for you to decide if that is what you are willing to settle for. Sorry, but that seems to be the way it is, again, based on what you have written.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (17 November 2009):
You didn't tell us what his ethnicity is. Honestly, it doesn't matter what ethnicity a guy is, guys from every ethnicity do that sort of thing. I've been in the exact situation as you...the dates we had are different of course, but I've been in the position where I had to initiate everything but he seemed really happy and excited to see me...then one day, got the ever-so-loving ignore.
Do what you you're doing now by just going out with other men and living your life. He's nothing serious at least for right now, so don't every think about him. If you're not worth his time, he's not worth yours, right? Who knows what his problem is, but it's not you. Maybe he's been hurt in the past, he's scared, he has sexual addiction, he's improving the ingredients in OxyClean...who knows. Whatever his reasons are are his...it's his own issues, so don't even think about texting, emailing, or calling him again. Even if it is for a bootycall, he needs to do some work!
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