A
female
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anonymous
writes:Sorry... this is a long story.I’ve known a guy since I was 7 years old. Let’s call him John. He lived near my grandparents so I would see him at around Christmas time every year. My whole life I’ve had feelings for him. When we were a bit older we started emailing each other regularly about all sorts of personal things. Emotionally, we were as close as any two people could be.When I graduated high school I decided to attend the same university as him. We started hanging out quite a bit and sometimes things would get overly friendly, he would ask me the kind of things you ask girls you like i.e. “what do you look for in a guy? “, “How many kids do you want?” etc. One night we even ended up making out (I didn’t let it go any further than that, I was still a virgin and kinda scared). After that night I assumed we had finally started to admit our feelings for one another but the next day I tried to bring it up in a flirtatious way and John’s response was "...we were both very drunk."After that I deferred uni and moved back home. I met a guy, and we got pretty serious, he proposed!... everything was looking bright, but I still thought about John all the time... wondering if maybe I was making a mistake... Then one day my fiancé decided that he “loved me, but he wasn’t IN love with me”. We don’t talk any more.I’m quite successful now (career-wise), I’m renting a great place and my life is pretty good. I’m not too interested in pursuing a relationship with anyone, I’m happy being single.....But I also miss my degree and I’d like to move back so I can finish it part time (the uni here is pretty bad), I’ve also just been given a job opportunity there that I’d like to accept. When I told John about this plan he said it was great. He’s finished his degree now and is moving off campus, he needs a place to live and he thinks we should be flatmates. Despite John’s completed degree I have greater earning power than him, and a house full of furniture. I would probably get a house for myself and rent one of the rooms out to him. At first I was excited.... I was looking at rental places and asked him check out an open house for me. He liked it and I’ve put in application.I don’t have any of ‘those’ hopes for him and I anymore... but I still can’t make my feelings disappear. Today I found out that the girl he’s been fooling around with recently is now officially his girlfriend... apparently he took her to the open house I asked him to go to... makes me think they see it as their house. I have been seeing red all day.Thing is though, she’s still at uni so she will be living on campus, the house I like is about 45-50 minutes from the uni, and you can’t have sleepovers at the campus so she will probably be at the house a LOT. I have no illusions about how angry it will make me when she is around. I am always jealous of his women... how am I going to feel when she’s wandering around my house at 7am in her PJs? Or lingerie? I know I can’t live with them cuddling on the couch... having to listen to those noises in the night... treating her like a hostess should treat a guest... I can’t do it! I already fantasize about doing violent things to her every day!If I ask him not to move in then I might make him angry at me and probably hurt my chances at getting to hang out with him at all. I’m not friends with any of his friends, if he has a girlfriend what is the likelihood that he would visit me? Or want to see a movie? If I don’t live with him I don’t think I would see him ever... and putting my feelings aside, I love him as a friend too. I don’t want to lose that. How do I get over these feelings that have plagued me for the past 17 years without jeopardising our friendship? Should I give up the plan of continuing my degree and just stay here?
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (19 February 2011):
Definitely finish your degree. But I would recommend not living with him. Even without the girlfriend, living with someone you're friends with can destroy friendships. If you don't realize beforehand and discuss how to manage things, things like cleaning the kitchen, garbage, noise, not buying more milk, etc etc etc adds up and turns into roomate wars. Add on top of that, the jealousy of him and his girlfriend, and that will make your living situation intolerable.
Since you can afford to live by yourself, you should just do that. Talk to him about it, about the fact that you'd rather live by yourself, and have that independence. That you don't want any fighting about house rules and such to interfere with your friendship. It's perfectly natural for someone to want to live by themselves instead of with roomates, so he should understand. Tell him you'd like to remain friends.
And do try to befriend the girlfriend. If you want to remain friends with him, you can't avoid the girlfriend. You can't insist to only see him and deny her. So meet her, try to get to know her, and maybe you will like her. If you do befriend her yourself, you'll find the jealousy usually fades away.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 February 2011):
 Ok first things first. "Should I give up the plan of continuing my degree and just stay here?". The answer to that is an emphatic NO. Do not EVER change your life to accommodate a third person. John will be with some girl so you give up your degree. Thats what it is, all said and done. Right? Do you see how ridiculous that is??
Next, what do you do about the living together situation?
Its entirely your call. She may not be too regular at your place together, but then again, she might be. Greater chances of that happening.Of course you're going to feel hurt. Of course you're going to feel jealous and bad. Completely normal, expected reactions. The thing is, are you willing to go through all this? You're scared of jeopardizing your friendship with John if you say no to him moving in with you, because that would make him angry. BUT, if he DOES stay with you, if this girl hangs around all the time, as you say, watching movies, cuddling on the couch, having sex with him....thats eventually going to drive you to the brink of extreme irritation and anger, which again is natural, and then you might say something or act in a certain way that will in any case ruin your relationship with John and "anger" him. Because lets face it, you cant possibly watch his life with his girl unfold right in front of you and not react. So you're running that risk of either way, whether you agree to live with him or not.
You have to tell John that the entire situation is uncomfortable for you. If he's a decent human being, he would definitely understand it and yet be friends with you. Dont try to do anything now to please anyone...you have a good life...dont complicate it. Its always better to clarify things from the word go.If your friendship means as much to him as it does for you, he will surely understand.
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A
female
reader, MissVee +, writes (19 February 2011):
Hello there. Sorry to hear that Cupid was drunk when he shot those poisonous arrows of his into you!
Let's be frank with one another, girl to girl: Can you REALLY imagine having to listen to her moaning and groaning through the bedroom walls, hear her carnal cries echoing throughout your house without wanting to black her eye or push her down the nearest staircase? The sad fact is that she will be there, in YOUR home, lounging on YOUR furniture, appreciating the man that YOU are secretly more than a little bit in love with. She will, as women are wont to do, deliberately make you green-eyed every chance she gets simply to give herself an ego boost once she REALISES that you love him. And it will show, in your body language, your eyes and your tone.
Stress is one of the greatest killers known to mankind. When we stress, all sorts of horrible hormones go surging throughout our bodies. They age us prematurely, make us more prone to cancer, and they make Botox a necessity before the age of thirty. Knowing that this Other Woman (feel free to substitute "Other Woman" with any curse word you desire as you read this) is going to be around you all the time, most likely with her tongue in his mouth more frequently than not, as is the case with new lovers, do you REALLY think that you can be calm? At least calm enough to concentrate on your studies??
One final observation as I glance at your letter: Has it occurred to you that John comes begging at your door only when he needs something from you? Hmmm. I believe there is a word to describe people like that: User. Be alert, chicky. Men like him ought to come with massive red warning stickers stuck on their foreheads, and another in between their legs (just in case a night in the bar ends with an accidental night in bed and the first sticker is somehow unnoticed).
You earn enough, you have a nice house, you're HAPPY. Why forsake all that for John? Best luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): Tell him that you're rethinking your decision because you think that you would find it uncomfortable staying with ANY couple... Make something up... like you're still pretty bummed about your heartbreak or whatever.
But I think you have answered your own question - you don't want to live with him.
But perhaps meeting the gf would help you? You might even LIKE her. LOL.
I DO think you should finish your degree though. And if you do have such good earning power, why not get a place by yourself? You can't compromise **your** future!
Alternatively: if you really are so close to John maybe you should talk to him about it. Everything you've said here. You might be over your *hope* with ever BEING with him,(dont say this next part: but you still might have feeling for him)but the natural instinct to be jealous still lingers. You also feel like there was that kiss that you didnt deal with.
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