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age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I've got a weird and very personal question. I have a secret I probably should have told my boyfriend awhile ago but I was to scared to and it still scares me, so, given the change in circumstances, should I tell him? It's really a long story, I'd be grateful for any and all advice, please! :)My ex got a little grab happy which contributed very much so to the becoming an ex part, but when I tried to end it, he thought he'd force me to have sex with him. I was thirteen at the time and he was almost fifteen and I thought I could handle myself, but I know enough to draw the line at sexual activity, so please don't lecture me on that, I have no plans of giving up my virginity just yet. He thankfully didn't succeed in forcing me due my kicking him where the sun doesn't shine and running to my best friend's house. However their wasn't enough evidence to arrest him. That was almost two years ago now, I thankfully haven't seen my ex since. I've been dating this guy for almost ten months and I love him but he's also starting to get closer to me and it's scaring me. He ran his hand along my leg today and I nearly grabbed his wrist and begged him to stop. I don't know why but I'm just so all around scared and tense. I didn't tell him about my ex because he went to a different school and I thought I could put it behind me, but I get so scared that this guy will end up being just like my ex and he's just too sweet for that. He really is a nice guy, just out of the blue today he kissed my forehead and it was the sweetest thing ever, he just held me hand and we talked for awhile but then at lunch he ran his hand along my leg and I freaked out. A similar thing happened awhile ago at a dance when one of his friends tried to put my boyfriend's hands on me and I just had a freaky panic attack, I just kept seeing my ex in my mind and he was yelling and I started panicking and I just don't know what to do.I think I should tell him what happened to me, but I don't know, I'm scared of his reaction and my own reactions to him. I don't want to offend him, but if I don't tell him soon, I'll just explode when it all becomes too much.Please advise, thank you for listening to my long story and once again please help the confused little me!
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 Well what do you think you should do? If you tell him, it would raise his awareness and he will know how to touch you and how not to touch you. Although, he could also be overwhelmed with such information, he may not know how exactly to handle it and he may end up running away from the problem.
If you do not tell him, you can either carry on with things as they are, making him aware that you do not like being touched in certain ways, which is normal for most people anyway.
Whatever you choose to do, professional help is something I strongly recommend, to make lift some of the traumatic weight from your shoulders if nothing else so that when you ARE ready for sex, when you are older, you will not have to worry about the past and you can immerse yourself in enjoyment.
I hope that helps.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): well i disagree with the top anon poster since if she read your post correctly she would have realised that you didn't 'try' sex in your previous relationship at all and that it would have been closer to sexual molestation than anything.I digress, i believe that from what you have said that this new guy you have been seeing wouldn't have the same intention as your ex however that doesn't mean he has no intention of sexual contact.you've been scarred by the ex boyfriend and you'd like to be free from those memories so you can move on and explore what a normal relationship can be.i suggest you do this when you're alone with him, away from friends so that you can control the situation.if you tell him about the ex problem then he will most likely understand.sexual experimentation at a young age can be fun as well, if it's with a person you feel is genuinely close to you and not just using you as a toy then you can discuss those boundaries and maybe set limits as to what you will and will not do.you seem like you have a good head on you, perhaps you could take a long think about what your limits are and keep those in mind, if he crosses those limits then you could give him just 1 warning so if he does it again he isn't respecting your wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): its none of his business, keep it to yourself, you evidently arent ready to try sex again, so wait till your ready, and then try it.
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 Thats a really hard question..sometimes guys dont mind...but other times it bothers them. BUt no matter what you should be able to be honest without anything happening. If he cant handle that then its on him. but you are still a virgin so you really should be fine. Just be honest. But honestly telling him wont solve your problem. You need to see someone. It wont go away. trust me i know
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