A
female
age
30-35,
*hivon1705
writes:Hey,so.. my son is nearly 2months old, hes 1month 18 days, and all of a sudden the father has tryed to get in contact..he put me through complete hell while i was pregnant with riley (my son)we are still very young, but his actions were really immature and made me feel complete crap, he dumped me on the spot when i told him i was pregnant, then he said to everyone that it wasnt his, then he said to everyonje its was my fault and that i didnt let him wear a condom, then he said that i was lieing, then he said he never slept with me, then he got his mum to ring me up threatening me, then his mum threatened to push me in town and called me a basterd! then he sed he wanted to know and i went to meet him a few weeks ago and he stood me up!!and said it was MY fault for not reminding him to turn up! and when my mum died i was 5months pregnant and under alot of stress. pressure and trama! and he couldnt even pick the phone up to make sure me and his baby were ok! he makes out to everyone hes the good guy but hes putting me through hell and put me under so much stress when i was pregnant.. i was on my own at 14 all because he couldnt stand up to his responcibility! i know hes very young but hes had almost a year to get over the fact hes a dad!should i let him have contact? i fear he'll mess with rileys head like he's messed with mine.. i dont want my baby to be hurt like the father hurt meand his mum is mental! she lets him smoke weed , climb about in abandoned factorys, smash glass with his bare hands and get into fights...i dont want my baby to be around that woman! or am i just been selfish?x thanks for any suggestions
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): Hi Sweetie,
It doesn't sound like you are being selfish, Honey, It sounds like you are being a Mom. I am so sorry that you lost your Mom. That is so hard at your age. Losing her while you were becoming a mother yourself, well, not many of us have to go through what you have been through. I am so sorry.
As far as being a Mom goes, I think your basic instincts are good. You have been thrown head-first into all of this, but you have coped brilliantly for two years.
Here's the next part. You are now a grown woman and the one in charge of your daughter's upbringing. You have also inherited all of the other parts of being a grown woman. In order to raise your child, you May also have to take a large part in Raising (Yes, helping him grow up) and forgiving her father. Once we have blood ties, we have a responsibility. It sounds like your mom-in-law is Not being the perfect role model, But SHE is Not putting the joints in his mouth any more than you were telling him not to wear a condom. Let's let HIM assume the responsibility of not wearing a condom and smoking his dope and breaking stuff, they're all his personal doing (as was not insisting he wear a condom also your resonsibility). The common denominator here is that he is immature and you were very young.
Having said that, he is STILL your child's father AND it is in your child's best interest to keep him involved as long as he is not an axe-murderer. It sounds like he is just an immature, young man.
Legally, I would keep him on very tight, supervised visit for now. Make sure that your behaviour is BEYOND critisism. Seriously. And log DATES, visits and EVERYTHING in a Journal. WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN.
I would regard his wish to be involved with his daughter as a VERY positive step forward. You are Forever tied here by your daughter. Think of it this way, she will want him at her wedding, and You and HE will be her child's Grandma and Grampa, no matter what. Try to facilitate some common ground and move forward. It's not going to be easy, but we, as Women, have always become the keepers of our children, traditions and faiths as women. It's what we do. Because we raise the next generation.
If you can think of any way to help other young girls in your situation, please help. You are in a unique position here to tell other girls your age about what you have been through and what your insight is. You could talk to a lot of girls about relationships, sex and the responsibilities that follow.
I told my children about sex when they were in the first grade. It made it possible to discuss contraception and relationship issues when they were in high school. I think that life and sex can be so much simpler if you try to wait until Uni or that age. Usually you have a better sense of what you want or at least are in the direction that you desire before you start adding intra-personal relationships. You know how difficult it is. Tell the girls here your own age what they should do. They probably would listen to someone their own age.
I think that you have a very sound maternal intinct. I am also very impressed that you as second guessing yourself and wondering if you are selfish. It shows that you are looking at the bigger picture and questioning yourself and your own motivations.
The most important thing here is your daughter. I have a really good feeling that you know exactly what is at stake and are willing to make the necessary sacrifices to give her the future that you want for her.
You are a Mom. You know what is best for your child. You know it by instinct.
A
male
reader, oliver151278 +, writes (26 September 2007):
my wife left me and my son and all i wanted was for all of us to be a family some times life is not fair and we have to do what is best for our kids.let him try and make it work as a dad but you have to remember ay one can have a kid but only a man can rise them if he shows signs he wants to be a dad then great but if not its early in your kids life to start over.good luck
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A
female
reader, Serinity  +, writes (26 September 2007):
 This is a tough situation sweetie and I feel for you. Since he is young and immature I would definitely start with supervisd visitation, and by that I mean supervised by someone other than just you. Somebody with some authority, someone who can stand up to him if he trys to minipulate you and/or your child. I would try and keep the child away from his mother as much as possible. But if she insists on seeing the child then she should join her son at the supervised visitations. You have rights, use them. If he really wants to be a part of this childs life then he should be mature enough to accept the supervised visitation. Don't let him get inside your head and twist your thoughts all up, be strong for yourself and for your baby. I would not allow unsupervised visits until he proves (over a long period of time) that he can be a mature and responsible father. At least one year of constant supervised visits and child support. I hope this helps and I wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (26 September 2007):
 Hi
Well for Rileys sake i think he should grow up with 2 parents, but its like i just said in another persons question, supervised visits! Your exes mother is another story. But if she is as rough as bags, i wouldnt want my kids round her either. Maybe she could go to the supervised visits with your ex?
There must be some kind of mediator in your area through social services? So that he can have supervised visits. But in the long run there is no guarantee he will stick around anyway.
My little brother is 25 now. But he became a father just before he turned 15. He was in touch with his daughter for a few years but the last couple of years he has had no contact. My mum has, and collects her every month and has her for the day. Some guys cant cope with the responsibility of parenthood im afraid and its frustrating! But it happens. Atleast if you sort it that Riley can see his dad supervised, then if his dad fcuks up and loses interest, atleast you tried your best and Riley will know that.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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