A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:First, thank you for reading. Please bear with me; I have a lot on my mind. It's also a pretty screwed up situation, but then again, why else would I be writing for advice from strangers?I am a good-looking college grad, 22 y.o. who is in law school right now. I met my ex-fiance in college. When we first met, I was 20 and she was barely 19. I proposed to her a year later. I feel that if a couple do love each other and want to find a way to stay together, then why wait for marriage? But I'm young -- maybe foolish and too idealistic.I have dated several girls before but never had a serious relationship. When we first met, she did not have much experience with relationships. In fact, the only guy she's ever dated was in college, and he was the only one she's ever had sex with. He left her because he was scared of commitment, and she felt very rejected and depresesd after. She and I had sex after the first week of meeting each other, felt very attracted to each other, and have been together for 2 years now. She is quiet, shy, and has an introverted personality. I vary; sometimes I'm very outgoing, but other times I enjoy staying at home. My personality is also very quirky; I have a very caustic and witty sense of humor that she sometimes doesn't get. On the Myers-Briggs scale, if you believe that stuff, I'm an ENTP; she rates the exact opposite, an ISFJ. However, I don't enjoy partying, or even large groups of people, and we've always done things just by the two of us. She dropped out of college and planned on transferring to the same university that I'm going to law school in; it's in a different city 700 miles away from where we went to college and where her home is. Our plan was for her to find some work on her semester off, get to know the city, and apply to my university. However, she could not find steady work, only temp jobs. I believe it's because she's scared of the city, of not having much previous work experience, and being constantly rejected by positions she applied to. I encouraged her, but to no avail.Sex is regular; we had sex 2-3 times a week. We know how to get each other off. She likes my body, and I think she's damn sexy.She also has some anger issues. She can get physically violent at times, and has hit me in the past. She said she was never abused during childhood, but she tended to be neglected and her father was never present. I have very old-fashioned values and high aspirations. I see a relationship as one in which the man is the provider and a gentleman, and the woman, while not necessarily need to be a housewife, should not be so independent and liberal as most modern girls are. She seems confused; she likes helping me out and caring for me (and I caring for her), but she doesn't like the thought of being in a stereotypical 50s "woman's role".The day after last Thanksgiving, I was busy studying for exams. Law school's stressful, but I put every effort during this first semester into making our relationship a happy one. I was therefore devastated when she told me that she was leaving for good. We got in some huge fights before, but nothing like this. I always try to find some way to reconcile, to understand each other better. I told her to write me a list of reasons why she suddenly decides to leave when I needed her love and support the most in the time of upcoming exams. She wrote:"I just don't like your outlook on life and my bad attitude is just a bad coping strategy""I haven't bee nice, I pout, hit, am grouchy, name-calling""You see the world around you as worthless scum""Kids: I picture not doing it right, conflicts with your family, being looked down on""I feel like I'm not doing anything right. When you're mad, I feel like all my efforts go out the window."...among many other reasons.I was very pissed off. I alternated between denial, attempting to persuade her to stay, and rejecting her. She left a couple of days later. I felt empty and severely betrayed; we had promised each other that we'll stay loyal and dedicated to each other for the rest of our lives. Or at least I meant it on my end.Exams came and went. I put my all of my efforts into them. And now she calls, asking me if I could take her back... if I want to. I do, and don't. I feel fundamentally betrayed. I feel like I will be betrayed again. And I feel like things might not change. On the other hand, I wonder if there's hope for us yet.For all the bad things I write about here, there are many aspects of our relationship that I have not yet mentioned. For one, when we are on good terms with one another, we definitely show serious love and affection towards one another.So ultimately, the question is simple despite the complex circumstances. I know I have my whole life ahead of me. I love studying law, and I feel I'm good at it. I know girls will want me when I have a degree and a good job. I just don't have time to pursue another relationship right now. But I also know that she and I could get along if she could just work with me on understanding each other.Should I take her back or not?
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female
reader, Confusedinthecity84 +, writes (16 December 2007):
 First of all, I wonder if we NT types are particularly attracted to the message board format? :)
It sounds as if you are determined, confident, and secure in yourself. She might be worried about your expectations of her despite your reassurance and encouragement when she was looking for a job, for example. Her anger may stem from insecurities or from comparing herself with other people, or even with you. She could be worried that you'll find her lacking in one way or another. Her confidence level (based on what she wrote you) seems pretty low. If she is an SF and you are an NT, her perceptions of you might be different that your perceptions of you. F's and T's are really different in emoting. What we NT's think is over-the-top emotionally, SF's might see as perfectly normal. (Anything less is "coldness" or "aloofness.") Her comments to you in that letter could just demonstrate different emoting styles.
That's not to say you should change, or she should. Just that, if you decide to get back together with her, both of you will have to learn to accommodate each other, and to be forthright yet kind when something hurts or bothers you about the other person.
I know it's mostly speculation on my part based on the little I know of you two, but it could be very good for the two of you to sit down and discuss your relationship. It sounds like torture, maybe, but it seems that the two of you have miscommunicated about what you each need from the other person. Is she okay with your idea of what your female partner should be? Have you been meeting her needs? Her anger could be a response to feeling ignored or misunderstood. Are you patient and willing to respond calmly even when she's upset? Ask her if there's something more she needs from you at the same time you tell her what you need from her.
If the relationship is going to work and be drama-free (which is what I think you want based on your post), it's crucial to understand where both of you are coming from. Do you want to get back together with her just because you are comfortable with her and know what to expect? If so, then that's a bad reason. But, if you do really love her--it sounds like you do--and think that the relationship has potential, the two of you should do some soul-searching and try to reach a level of understanding so that she doesn't get angry and leave when you need support, and so that you are offering her the support she needs in the relationship, too.
Bottom line: love sometimes takes a lot of work. If you both are willing to make the effort, you will have a great understanding of each other and a solid foundation for the future.
I wish you the best!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): Ok, here is my response from a fellow NT, I am an INTJ on the Myers Briggs, and think a lot like you do probably.
I can tell you are an NT, you are very analytical, cut and dry right to the point and just the facts man.
For my personality type I am rather naive in relationships and they are truly my achilles heel. We NTs feel deeply for others but we also worry that we are with the wrong person, and we are not really easy to get to know....one reason is that we tend to not waste a lot of time talking about are insights to people which are many, but spit them out like so much fact, we leave out the part of how we got there....it sounds like your girlfriends view of your view of the world may just be a lack of communication and understanding like you say....you may think she is not as smart as you, and that is why you don't spend the effort giving her your insights, your feelings, but if you want the relationship to be better with a feelings person, you are going to have to try....and you are going to have to try not fixing things for her when she is telling you how she feels about anything, reflect back to her what you hear her saying in your own words and let it be about her and let her know you hear her.
You know best how this relationship is working, you know if you love her or not, I don't, no one can answer your last question but you....I broke up with my boyfriend to because something happened that really upset me with an ex of his who caused problems from the beginning of our relationship, I told him never to call me again....he was very hurt and very angry and when I tried to take it all back he resisted for over 2 weeks, we still don't have our romance back and he calls me three times or more every day....I think it his pride that won't allow him to trust me again, even though I repeatedly say how sorry I am, he has things to be sorry for too, and he doesn't apologize...he is a feelings person too, that is why I love him so much, he is my opposite and we get along great, never really argue or fight, that was our first and possibly last big fight, and it shot our belief that we as a couple would not ever fight, we are not perfect, and maybe we can do better.....now I am very sad that we lost what we had and we are both working on other areas of our lives to see if we can better focus on a relationship later, kind of weird, but true.......Don't let pride and worry and indecision make or break this relationship, ask yourself if your want to be in love with her.
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A
female
reader, starfairy  +, writes (15 December 2007):
 It sounds like it all just got to her and she had to vent some anger, or whatever she was feeling.You rushed things, and by all means that's not a reprimand. i moved in with my boyfriend after 4 months (we're still together).But sometimes when you rush things, somewhere along the line you experience a big glitch.If the relationship was as good as you say/feel it was, give it another go. She might have just got a little scared, it sounds like she has some issues with the way you run the relationship, and some issues with your family.Arrange to meet up, and talk. Get out all your issues. Give her a chance to vent anything. Part of being in love is recognising each others faults, and still loving them anyway.I got the impression you are the dominant one int he relationship, maybe she just felt a bit stifled.
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